The Inflation of Life - Cost of Raising a Child Has Soared
Your little bundle of joy is going to require a wad of cash.
The cost of raising a child from birth to age 17 has surged 25 percent over the last 10 years, due largely to the rising cost of groceries and medical care, according to the Department of Agriculture, which tracks annual expenditures on children by families.
The government's most recent annual report reveals a middle-income family with a child born in 2010 can expect to spend roughly $227,000 for food, shelter and other expenses necessary to raise that child - $287,000 when you factor in projected inflation.
And, no, the bill does not include the cost of college or anything related to the pregnancy and delivery.
"If you sat down to tally up the total cost of having children, you'd never have them," says Timothy Knotts, a father of four and a certified financial planner with The Hogan-Knotts Financial Group in Red Bank N.J. "It's a very expensive adventure."
Talk about a life-changing event. That's a lot of vacations, clothing, and restaurant dinners you may no longer enjoy.
Plan Early
Ultimately, of course, the decision on whether or not to expand your family has little to do with dollar signs.
For most prospective parents, kids are the central priority around which all other lifestyle decisions get made - career moves, housing choices, where to live.
Because of its financial impact, however, it's wise to begin planning for parenthood as early as possible, says Matthew Saneholtz, a certified financial adviser with Tobias Financial Advisors in Plantation, Fla.
"You don't want to get too hung up on whether you're ready financially, because no one is ever really ready and it works out in the end, but you do want to think about how you see that first year with a new baby," he says.
Among the first issues you'll want to address:
Will you both return to work or will one of you quit to care for the child?
Does your employer offer maternity or paternity benefits?
Are you going to need a bigger car?
How much will your health insurance premiums climb after baby makes three?
You won't necessarily have control over the process, but you should also discuss how many children you'd like to have and when you'd like to have them, as that affects the timeline for getting your financial house in order.
Ideally, says Saneholtz, you should pay off your credit cards and put retirement savings on autopilot before you welcome a baby.
The four-bedroom house with a fully equipped nursery can wait.
Couples should resist the urge to splurge on a house at the top of their dual-income budget, says Knotts, since you may change your mind about whether or not to return to the office after the baby arrives.
"Our advice to clients is any time there's a life changing event, be it a baby or your own retirement, don't make any huge changes," he says. "Take your time. Do you want to be in a different school district, or closer to relatives or work? There's a lot to think about."
Testing 1-2-3
Prudent parents-to-be should also practice living on less before the big day arrives, says Chuck Donalies, a certified financial planner with Investment Planning Associates in Rockville, Md.
"Review all your expenses and cut out what you can," he says. "Almost every household budget has some fat in it."
Keep in mind that your annual medical expenses will almost certainly rise after you bring your newborn home.
Mark Lino, a USDA economist, notes that healthcare costs for the average family have increased 58 percent over the last decade, faster than any other expense component in the survey.
"With kids in particular, you're going to have emergencies, and while you might go without for yourself, you're going to take your kids to the doctor when they have a fever," says Knotts. "Someone's going to break an arm or knock out a tooth, and that could cost you a few hundred or thousand dollars each time."
As a starting point, Knotts suggests living on 90 percent of your after-tax income, using the money you save to fund an emergency account worth three to six months of living expenses.
If one of you plans to quit work to care for the child, your new spending plan should reflect the projected loss of income.
You can also apply those dollars toward a life insurance policy after the baby comes along, says Donalies, providing protection for your little one (and your spouse) in the event something happens to the breadwinner.
Donalies recommends a term life policy that covers your family until well after your child is out of college.
"The cost of a term life policy is so low that you should have a policy until your child reaches age 30," he says.
Ka-ching: Child Care
If you both plan to continue working, and you don't have family willing to provide free labor, you'll have to factor child care costs into your budget.
Such costs vary by region, as does the type of care provided, but the average annual price tag for full-time care in 2010 for an infant in a child care center ranged from $4,650 in Mississippi to $18,200 in the District of Columbia, the National Association of Child Care Resource & Referral Agencies reports.
The average annual cost for full-time care of a 4-year old drops to $3,900 in Mississippi to $14,050 in the District of Columbia.
Nannies are more expensive still.
According to the International Nanny Association, nannies who live outside your home can cost more than $3,000 per month for full-time care, and as an employer you'll be required to pay their Social Security taxes.
Ka-ching: College Tuition
There's no rule that says you have to help your child with college expenses, of course, but if you plan to do so, you'd better start budgeting for that as well.
The average cost of a four-year college for in-state residents, including tuition, fees, room and board, climbed 6 percent for the 2011 and 2012 academic year, averaging $17,131, the College Board reports.
A public four-year school for out-of-state students cost an average $29,657 this year, while four-year private colleges cost more than $38,000 per year.
Knotts cautions parents, however, to save for retirement first before throwing money into a tax-advantaged 529 college savings plan. After all, there are no scholarships or loans for retirement.
Manage Money and Expectations
Finally, remember that it's ultimately you who decides how much you're willing to spend on your kids.
Families with higher incomes, for example, tend to spend more on discretionary expenses like Apple (AAPL - News) iPods and Decker Outdoor's Uggs - things your child may want, but doesn't need.
The USDA report shows that a family earning less than $57,600 per year can expect to spend a total of $163,440 on a child from birth through high school; parents with an income between $57,600 and $99,730 can expect to spend $226,920; and families earning more than $99,730 can expect to drop $377,040.
"Kids don't have to have all this stuff," says Knotts. "We are a generation where we feel like we need to give our kids all of these experiences, but you can do a lot with your kids without spending a lot of money."
Children may be a blessing, but they don't come cheap. Families that plan ahead not only have better control over their budgets, but are often able to do more with less. They're also better positioned to ensure their own financial goals don't get derailed along the way.
Showing posts with label KIDS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label KIDS. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Could You Go a Week Without Yelling at Your Kids?
Could You Go a Week Without Yelling at Your Kids? Redbook Magazine
For every mom out there saying, "Sure, no problem," there are thousands more shouting, "Impossible!" Here's how a confirmed yeller got through seven whole days using her inside voice.
By Amy Wilson
"Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty and raging fury." —The Incredible Hulk
I don't consider myself an angry person. I can count on one hand the number of times I've shouted at my husband, and I wouldn't dream of raising my voice at a rude salesperson. In fact, in all the world, there are only three people I ever get veiny-necked at: my children, ages 7, 6, and 2.
I'm not proud that I couldn't imagine treating a line-cutting stranger the way I do my own flesh and blood on a daily basis. But strangers don't tend to work my last nerve like my own kids can. What I actually say when I yell at them tends more toward "I don't care how itchy it is — you're wearing that scarf!" than anything truly damaging, but nonetheless, I've been meaning to stop. Two years ago I gave up yelling at my kids for Lent. I should've known it wouldn't go well: If I couldn't last 40 days without dark chocolate, I'd never be able to abstain that long from my primary means of discipline. I went 10 days without chocolate. Without yelling? Four hours.
Recently, however, I've sensed that all my sound and fury is losing effectiveness. As I railed at my children one morning for fighting over Silly Bandz, I saw them cast furtive glances at one another — Here she goes again. That day, I gave myself a new challenge: no yelling at the kids for a week. Only seven days. At summer camp, when I was 9, I didn't brush my hair for a week on a bunkmate's dare. By the end, I could have happily worn a baseball cap for the rest of my life. Would a break from yelling be similarly liberating? I needed to find out.
DAY 1: THE CHALLENGE BEGINS
I send Seamus and Connor, my 6- and 7-year-old sons, to brush their teeth after breakfast, knowing that they can't peacefully coexist for more than 30 seconds. I hear them hollering through the floor. Then a thump that sounds like somebody's head. Then howls of rage.
Any other day, I'd take the stairs three at a time, shouting that they'd better cut it out if they ever want to see Scooby-Doo again in this lifetime. But today I just stand there, taking cleansing breaths, and after a few thump-filled minutes...silence. To my astonishment, their fight ends without my intervention, and no one loses an ear either.
I'm not yelling! I think, terribly proud of myself.
Problem: My kids are. Lowering my own voice has made it glaringly clear that my children live their entire lives at the top of their lungs. I stay out of their scuffles for the rest of the day, just listening to the din around me. Where did my children learn to go full-throttle like this? Sadly, the answer is obvious.
By saying almost nothing at all, I avoid yelling for the entire day — but this tactic won't work for a whole week. Is there a way to execute firm discipline in a kinder, gentler way?
DAY 2: SPEAK SOFTLY AND...
My plan for today is that I will interrupt their fighting, but each time I want to get louder, I will get quieter instead. Just like Supernanny does with her recalcitrant charges.
"Shut UP!" my oldest shouts across the kitchen table.
"No, YOU shut up!" his brother bellows back.
These words are forbidden in our house, but I'm tempted to yell them myself. Instead, I murmur so quietly that they have to ask me to repeat myself: "The next person who says 'shut up' has to do 10 push-ups."
The military-style threat quiets everyone down — except for my 2-year-old daughter, who says, "The next person to say 'shut up,' dem do 10 pushers?" Her brothers, suddenly sticklers for rules, insist she drop and give 'em 10. Maggie doesn't mind, but she's kind of vague on what push-ups are, exactly, and in the ensuing battle over whether her attempts count, my oldest accidentally uses the "S.U." words again, then refuses to perform his own punishment. Soon I'm standing over him shrieking like a demented drill sergeant because he won't do the push-ups I'd prescribed specifically to avoid yelling.
"How's your experiment going?" my husband asks when he gets home that night.
"I yelled at Connor this morning," I admit (on the defensive), "but he disobeyed me to my face!" David listens to my story and proceeds carefully. "Okay, he didn't do his 10 push-ups," he says gently, "but that was just a silly thing you made up. I mean, he wasn't running into traffic."
He's right. I was yelling about the push-ups, but the boys' fight was long over. To stop screaming, I need to learn to quit while I'm ahead.
DAY 3: THE STRESS TEST
I take the kids out to dinner with my friend Susan and her brood. Between us, we have five children ages 7 and under, which makes for a big, boisterous table. As our kids squirm and talk at top volume, the woman in the next booth gives me the fish-eye over the rim of her wine glass.
I want to say: If you're looking for a peaceful, child-free meal, lady, don't go to a pizza joint at 5:30 p.m. But I internalize her judgment of me as a bad mom who can't control three children. To prove her — and myself — wrong, I grab Seamus's arm and hiss under my breath: "Use your inside voice now, or I'm taking you right out to the car, mister!"
This quiets him down for a few seconds, then I have to threaten him again, then his brother, then him, then his sister. I'm in a full sweat, while Susan just sits there, enjoying a garlic knot as her daughter bounces on the banquette.
"That lady's shooting us dirty looks," I explain.
"Really?" Susan says. "I hadn't noticed."
"Maybe we should get the pizza to go," I say.
"Why?" Susan asks, genuinely confused. "They're not running wild. They're just being kids."
She has a point. I'm disciplining my kids to meet a stranger's standards. If their behavior isn't bothering anyone else in the restaurant, then the wino lady is the real problem.
DAY 4: IT'S A TONE THING
I go way easier on my kids today to make up for the pizza episode. When I find a trail of Goldfish crumbs across the living room, I don't conduct an interrogation; I Dustbust. When Maggie insists on wearing a tutu to the library even though it's 40 degrees outside, I let her wear it stuffed under her coat. I start to actually feel the calm I'm working so hard to project. I even think my kids are more peaceful. When David comes home, I meet him at the door to tell him my progress.
ME: "I didn't yell today! For real!" I shoo the kids upstairs while he raids the refrigerator.
DAVID: "Wow — good for you."
ME: "Kids! I said turn the TV off! Move it!" He sticks his head around the fridge door.
DAVID: "Uh. You're yelling."
ME: "That's not yelling!"
DAVID: "It's kind of yelling."
ME: "This! Isn't yelling! It's how I talk!" David smirks like someone who has just had his point made for him. "How else do I get them to brush their teeth the first dozen times I ask?"
DAVID: "Well, it's not only about decibel level."
ME: "What is it, a tone thing?"
DAVID: "If you notice, I don't really talk to the kids like you do."
ME: "If you notice, you don't really take care of the kids like I do." You can probably guess how the rest of the evening went: not so much volume, lots of "tone."
DAY 5: THAR SHE BLOWS!
Okay. Yesterday I thought I wasn't yelling and maybe I was, but today, I do not yell, in decibel or in tone. I smile and ask nicely, no matter how many times I have to repeat myself. This may be considered success, but I'm so stressed from the effort that I might blow a gasket. Then dinnertime arrives.
"I didn't want ketchup on my hamburger!" Seamus howls. "I wanted it NEXT to my hamburger! It's RUINED, and YOU RUINED IT, MOMMY!" I stand still, gripping the kitchen counter, but it's not working — probably because he can see that Mommy Teapot is about to boil over.
Later my friend AJ tells me, "When one of my kids really gets going, I whip out the camera and tell them I want to capture the moment."
"And they stop whining?!" I ask.
"Sorta," she says. "At least it gives me something to do besides throttling them." Huh. I've been meaning to take more pictures of the kids....
DAY 6: THE SIMPLE TRUTH
My friend Cece calls from Chicago at 9:30 a.m. on Saturday. As soon as I answer the phone, all three of my children start pulling on my pajamas wanting their second breakfast — you know, the one kids demand as soon as you finish dumping out the cereal they didn't eat 20 minutes earlier.
"I will make you French toast, but I'm on the phone," I hiss, and after a few minutes trying to catch up with Cece, crack eggs, and break up three fights, I hang up and tell them how disappointed I am in what I must admit is a slightly raised voice. The rest of the day, I focus mostly on the kids, and things go more smoothly.
Suddenly I realize: multitasking causes yelling. If I don't attempt to do anything besides parent my kids — including getting dressed and using the bathroom — why, I won't have to yell!
DAY 7: AN ALL-NEW MAD MOM
I wake up feeling enlightened. It's like a juice fast: impossible for six days, but suddenly I can do it forever. I marvel at how far I've come, and we have an amazing, sun-dappled day.
The kids are wild after dinner, and it takes me an extra half hour to get them down, but I don't crack. As I settle into the couch for what is, next to my family, the most important thing in my life — an all-new Mad Men — my heart swells with pride. And then Connor appears at my elbow to say, "Mom, I'm not tired."
ME: "Go to bed, buddy."
CONNOR: "But I'm not tired!"
ME: Firmly: "It's an hour past your bedtime!"
CONNOR: "NO! I want another story!"
ME: Getting louder: "No! No story! Mommy is closed!"
CONNOR: "But—"
ME: At full blast: "I'm DONE! Do you hear me? GO TO BED!"
And just like that, I went Betty Draper on him. I made it until 10:15 p.m. But I still failed.
So there you have it: I couldn't stop yelling for a week. But I did yell less. And I realized when and why I do it, and that, okay, it has less to do with the kids' behavior and more with my own moods. I'll probably keep yelling, but I'll also keep trying to stay calm. If the Hulk can turn back into Bruce Banner, there's still hope for me.
Feel free to leave a comment on this thread...
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST IT OVER...
For every mom out there saying, "Sure, no problem," there are thousands more shouting, "Impossible!" Here's how a confirmed yeller got through seven whole days using her inside voice.
By Amy Wilson
"Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty and raging fury." —The Incredible Hulk
I don't consider myself an angry person. I can count on one hand the number of times I've shouted at my husband, and I wouldn't dream of raising my voice at a rude salesperson. In fact, in all the world, there are only three people I ever get veiny-necked at: my children, ages 7, 6, and 2.
I'm not proud that I couldn't imagine treating a line-cutting stranger the way I do my own flesh and blood on a daily basis. But strangers don't tend to work my last nerve like my own kids can. What I actually say when I yell at them tends more toward "I don't care how itchy it is — you're wearing that scarf!" than anything truly damaging, but nonetheless, I've been meaning to stop. Two years ago I gave up yelling at my kids for Lent. I should've known it wouldn't go well: If I couldn't last 40 days without dark chocolate, I'd never be able to abstain that long from my primary means of discipline. I went 10 days without chocolate. Without yelling? Four hours.
Recently, however, I've sensed that all my sound and fury is losing effectiveness. As I railed at my children one morning for fighting over Silly Bandz, I saw them cast furtive glances at one another — Here she goes again. That day, I gave myself a new challenge: no yelling at the kids for a week. Only seven days. At summer camp, when I was 9, I didn't brush my hair for a week on a bunkmate's dare. By the end, I could have happily worn a baseball cap for the rest of my life. Would a break from yelling be similarly liberating? I needed to find out.
DAY 1: THE CHALLENGE BEGINS
I send Seamus and Connor, my 6- and 7-year-old sons, to brush their teeth after breakfast, knowing that they can't peacefully coexist for more than 30 seconds. I hear them hollering through the floor. Then a thump that sounds like somebody's head. Then howls of rage.
Any other day, I'd take the stairs three at a time, shouting that they'd better cut it out if they ever want to see Scooby-Doo again in this lifetime. But today I just stand there, taking cleansing breaths, and after a few thump-filled minutes...silence. To my astonishment, their fight ends without my intervention, and no one loses an ear either.
I'm not yelling! I think, terribly proud of myself.
Problem: My kids are. Lowering my own voice has made it glaringly clear that my children live their entire lives at the top of their lungs. I stay out of their scuffles for the rest of the day, just listening to the din around me. Where did my children learn to go full-throttle like this? Sadly, the answer is obvious.
By saying almost nothing at all, I avoid yelling for the entire day — but this tactic won't work for a whole week. Is there a way to execute firm discipline in a kinder, gentler way?
DAY 2: SPEAK SOFTLY AND...
My plan for today is that I will interrupt their fighting, but each time I want to get louder, I will get quieter instead. Just like Supernanny does with her recalcitrant charges.
"Shut UP!" my oldest shouts across the kitchen table.
"No, YOU shut up!" his brother bellows back.
These words are forbidden in our house, but I'm tempted to yell them myself. Instead, I murmur so quietly that they have to ask me to repeat myself: "The next person who says 'shut up' has to do 10 push-ups."
The military-style threat quiets everyone down — except for my 2-year-old daughter, who says, "The next person to say 'shut up,' dem do 10 pushers?" Her brothers, suddenly sticklers for rules, insist she drop and give 'em 10. Maggie doesn't mind, but she's kind of vague on what push-ups are, exactly, and in the ensuing battle over whether her attempts count, my oldest accidentally uses the "S.U." words again, then refuses to perform his own punishment. Soon I'm standing over him shrieking like a demented drill sergeant because he won't do the push-ups I'd prescribed specifically to avoid yelling.
"How's your experiment going?" my husband asks when he gets home that night.
"I yelled at Connor this morning," I admit (on the defensive), "but he disobeyed me to my face!" David listens to my story and proceeds carefully. "Okay, he didn't do his 10 push-ups," he says gently, "but that was just a silly thing you made up. I mean, he wasn't running into traffic."
He's right. I was yelling about the push-ups, but the boys' fight was long over. To stop screaming, I need to learn to quit while I'm ahead.
DAY 3: THE STRESS TEST
I take the kids out to dinner with my friend Susan and her brood. Between us, we have five children ages 7 and under, which makes for a big, boisterous table. As our kids squirm and talk at top volume, the woman in the next booth gives me the fish-eye over the rim of her wine glass.
I want to say: If you're looking for a peaceful, child-free meal, lady, don't go to a pizza joint at 5:30 p.m. But I internalize her judgment of me as a bad mom who can't control three children. To prove her — and myself — wrong, I grab Seamus's arm and hiss under my breath: "Use your inside voice now, or I'm taking you right out to the car, mister!"
This quiets him down for a few seconds, then I have to threaten him again, then his brother, then him, then his sister. I'm in a full sweat, while Susan just sits there, enjoying a garlic knot as her daughter bounces on the banquette.
"That lady's shooting us dirty looks," I explain.
"Really?" Susan says. "I hadn't noticed."
"Maybe we should get the pizza to go," I say.
"Why?" Susan asks, genuinely confused. "They're not running wild. They're just being kids."
She has a point. I'm disciplining my kids to meet a stranger's standards. If their behavior isn't bothering anyone else in the restaurant, then the wino lady is the real problem.
DAY 4: IT'S A TONE THING
I go way easier on my kids today to make up for the pizza episode. When I find a trail of Goldfish crumbs across the living room, I don't conduct an interrogation; I Dustbust. When Maggie insists on wearing a tutu to the library even though it's 40 degrees outside, I let her wear it stuffed under her coat. I start to actually feel the calm I'm working so hard to project. I even think my kids are more peaceful. When David comes home, I meet him at the door to tell him my progress.
ME: "I didn't yell today! For real!" I shoo the kids upstairs while he raids the refrigerator.
DAVID: "Wow — good for you."
ME: "Kids! I said turn the TV off! Move it!" He sticks his head around the fridge door.
DAVID: "Uh. You're yelling."
ME: "That's not yelling!"
DAVID: "It's kind of yelling."
ME: "This! Isn't yelling! It's how I talk!" David smirks like someone who has just had his point made for him. "How else do I get them to brush their teeth the first dozen times I ask?"
DAVID: "Well, it's not only about decibel level."
ME: "What is it, a tone thing?"
DAVID: "If you notice, I don't really talk to the kids like you do."
ME: "If you notice, you don't really take care of the kids like I do." You can probably guess how the rest of the evening went: not so much volume, lots of "tone."
DAY 5: THAR SHE BLOWS!
Okay. Yesterday I thought I wasn't yelling and maybe I was, but today, I do not yell, in decibel or in tone. I smile and ask nicely, no matter how many times I have to repeat myself. This may be considered success, but I'm so stressed from the effort that I might blow a gasket. Then dinnertime arrives.
"I didn't want ketchup on my hamburger!" Seamus howls. "I wanted it NEXT to my hamburger! It's RUINED, and YOU RUINED IT, MOMMY!" I stand still, gripping the kitchen counter, but it's not working — probably because he can see that Mommy Teapot is about to boil over.
Later my friend AJ tells me, "When one of my kids really gets going, I whip out the camera and tell them I want to capture the moment."
"And they stop whining?!" I ask.
"Sorta," she says. "At least it gives me something to do besides throttling them." Huh. I've been meaning to take more pictures of the kids....
DAY 6: THE SIMPLE TRUTH
My friend Cece calls from Chicago at 9:30 a.m. on Saturday. As soon as I answer the phone, all three of my children start pulling on my pajamas wanting their second breakfast — you know, the one kids demand as soon as you finish dumping out the cereal they didn't eat 20 minutes earlier.
"I will make you French toast, but I'm on the phone," I hiss, and after a few minutes trying to catch up with Cece, crack eggs, and break up three fights, I hang up and tell them how disappointed I am in what I must admit is a slightly raised voice. The rest of the day, I focus mostly on the kids, and things go more smoothly.
Suddenly I realize: multitasking causes yelling. If I don't attempt to do anything besides parent my kids — including getting dressed and using the bathroom — why, I won't have to yell!
DAY 7: AN ALL-NEW MAD MOM
I wake up feeling enlightened. It's like a juice fast: impossible for six days, but suddenly I can do it forever. I marvel at how far I've come, and we have an amazing, sun-dappled day.
The kids are wild after dinner, and it takes me an extra half hour to get them down, but I don't crack. As I settle into the couch for what is, next to my family, the most important thing in my life — an all-new Mad Men — my heart swells with pride. And then Connor appears at my elbow to say, "Mom, I'm not tired."
ME: "Go to bed, buddy."
CONNOR: "But I'm not tired!"
ME: Firmly: "It's an hour past your bedtime!"
CONNOR: "NO! I want another story!"
ME: Getting louder: "No! No story! Mommy is closed!"
CONNOR: "But—"
ME: At full blast: "I'm DONE! Do you hear me? GO TO BED!"
And just like that, I went Betty Draper on him. I made it until 10:15 p.m. But I still failed.
So there you have it: I couldn't stop yelling for a week. But I did yell less. And I realized when and why I do it, and that, okay, it has less to do with the kids' behavior and more with my own moods. I'll probably keep yelling, but I'll also keep trying to stay calm. If the Hulk can turn back into Bruce Banner, there's still hope for me.
Feel free to leave a comment on this thread...
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST IT OVER...
Monday, April 2, 2012
Traveling Stress Free with Your Family
Your Guide to Stress-Free Family Travel
Experts (parents themselves!) give you their best advice for wiggling out of the inevitable problems you encounter when traveling with kids.
So you've gone online to research a destination, find a flight, or book a room, and now you're ready to hit the road with the kids, right? Not so fast! Even a well-planned family trip can have bumps along the way -- your toddler has a meltdown on the plane or your hotel turns out to be not so kid-friendly. Don't wait until you're caught up in a stressful situation to find a fix. Check out these smart, commonsense tricks of the trade from seasoned travels who've been there and done that with their kids.
For eating on the go ...
Suzanne Farrell, a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association and mom of two in Denver.
Don't go overboard. When you're traveling, you're going to run into some temptations, such as chocolate chip cookies on the plane or at the hotel. Stick to your kids' normal eating habits when you can, but it's okay to give them a treat, especially if you balance it out with healthy choices.
Pack smart snacks. Food keeps the kids' energy up and helps prevent meltdowns in stressful travel situations. But you want the snacks to be as substantial as possible -- this means keeping sweets to a minimum. I like to offer goodies such as pretzels, cheese sticks, peanut-butter wraps, and a homemade snack mix made from whole-grain cereal. My 4-year-old loves helping me make it, too.
Bertie Bregman, M.D., chief of Family Medicine Service, Allen Pavilion of New York Presbyterian Hospital, and father of four in New York City.
Boost immunity beforehand. It's definitely scary to have a sick child in an unfamiliar place. The best thing to do is make sure everyone's immune system is strong weeks before any travel. You can help do this by having your kids eat well, take vitamins, and get plenty of sleep. It won't prevent every type of illness, but it's a good start. And carry contact information for local doctors and hospitals just in case.
Bring the basics. We always pack medications, including a fever and pain reliever (acetaminophen, ibuprofen), a stomach med, a thermometer, and, of course, plenty of bandages. Also, a bottle of hand sanitizer or wipes can be a lifesaver when you're traveling.
Know local hospitals. If your child does get sick, the first place to go is the front desk at the hotel. They should have information for the local medical professionals. But it?s also a good idea to make a list of the ERs in the area (and how you can get there) before you leave home.
On the plane ...
Veda Shook, flight attendant for Alaska Airlines and mom of two in Washington, D.C.
Keep the kids happy. I try to hide a little surprise for the kids, so if they're getting restless on the plane they can pull out a new toy, book, or game. That usually buys us more time. You should also bring an empty sippy cup to fill up at the water fountain once you've passed through security. Kids often can't wait until service comes through the plane to get something to drink. Having your own can prevent a midair meltdown.
Go nonstop. I'd rather pay extra -- or even drive an hour more to a different airport -- to get a nonstop flight than risk delays and the other hassles of taking a connecting flight with kids. But if you can't avoid connections, be sure to allow enough time between flights for your children to stretch, go to the bathroom, eat, and unwind without having to rush to the next gate.
Cut down on bags. With all the baggage fees, sometimes it's easier to buy bulky things, such as diapers, when you get there. You can also ship a box to your destination, which is often cheaper than the $25-$35 second-bag fee. If you stay with friends or family, ask to borrow their car seat, crib, and other gear.
On the road ...
Jennifer Huebner, spokesperson for American Automobile Association (AAA) and a mother of two in Orlando.
Research routes. For long drives with kids, I plan the route in advance, keeping in mind back roads and timing to avoid rush hour. If you're in the heart of a big city during gridlock traffic, it's not just stressful for you -- it can make the kids tense, too!
Take breaks. Build in travel time to stop every couple of hours. That gives kids a chance to move around and play. I'll even add in a quick trip to a children's museum or a big play area for them to blow off steam. Experts suggest you take a rest every two hours or 100 miles -- for kids, you should do it more often than that (after 90 minutes or less).
Be prepared. I always make a few different to-do lists, including a mini menu of snacks or a reminder to check that the car seat's installed properly. I also have a master list that tries to anticipate the kids' needs along the way, from baby wipes to games to keep them entertained during the drive.
When booking a room ...
Kammy Shuman, travel agent at Encompass the World Travel and a mother of two in Parma, Ohio.
Consider all-inclusives. These resorts are particularly nice for families because everything is right there. You don't have to worry about renting a car and car seat and driving everywhere. The cost of most food, drinks, and entertainment is already built in, so you don't have to pay every time. (See parents.com/resorts for ideas.)
Think location, location, location. When choosing your room, try to be as close to the pool, the beach, or the main attraction as possible. If you have a kid who's potty training or has to go to the bathroom a lot, you don't want to have to keep running over the sand and up 10 flights to your room.
Pick a kid-friendly place. The first thing I consider when planning a family trip is whether that hotel has kids' programs and babysitting services. Some resorts are amazing if you've got a baby. They have things such as bottle warmers, extra diapers, and even a nursery so certified staff can watch your little one while you hit the spa. Shop around hotel Websites in your ideal area to see what's available for kids.
Check into overseas options. If I'm traveling out of the country, I make sure there's food I know my kids will eat close to the hotel. It's also good to find one that offers room service, which isn't as common abroad. If you have a jet-lagged child, you don't want to have to go out in the middle of the night to find food or snacks.
For a safe stay ...
Colleen Driscoll, executive director for the International Association for Child Safety and mom of three in Baltimore.
Childproof your room. Make sure there's nothing that can harm a cruising toddler or a sleeping baby. I always pack a little kit that includes things such as a night-light, outlet covers, latches, and a travel safety gate. FYI: Some hotels will provide proofing kits or even do it for you if you ask in advance.
Have a backup plan. Don't be afraid to change rooms or even hotels if you?re worried about your child's safety. We did it after discovering our room had a tile floor. Our daughter was starting to crawl, and we felt like we couldn't safely put her down.
Originally published in the October 2010 issue of Parents magazine.
Experts (parents themselves!) give you their best advice for wiggling out of the inevitable problems you encounter when traveling with kids.
So you've gone online to research a destination, find a flight, or book a room, and now you're ready to hit the road with the kids, right? Not so fast! Even a well-planned family trip can have bumps along the way -- your toddler has a meltdown on the plane or your hotel turns out to be not so kid-friendly. Don't wait until you're caught up in a stressful situation to find a fix. Check out these smart, commonsense tricks of the trade from seasoned travels who've been there and done that with their kids.
For eating on the go ...
Suzanne Farrell, a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association and mom of two in Denver.
Don't go overboard. When you're traveling, you're going to run into some temptations, such as chocolate chip cookies on the plane or at the hotel. Stick to your kids' normal eating habits when you can, but it's okay to give them a treat, especially if you balance it out with healthy choices.
Pack smart snacks. Food keeps the kids' energy up and helps prevent meltdowns in stressful travel situations. But you want the snacks to be as substantial as possible -- this means keeping sweets to a minimum. I like to offer goodies such as pretzels, cheese sticks, peanut-butter wraps, and a homemade snack mix made from whole-grain cereal. My 4-year-old loves helping me make it, too.
Bertie Bregman, M.D., chief of Family Medicine Service, Allen Pavilion of New York Presbyterian Hospital, and father of four in New York City.
Boost immunity beforehand. It's definitely scary to have a sick child in an unfamiliar place. The best thing to do is make sure everyone's immune system is strong weeks before any travel. You can help do this by having your kids eat well, take vitamins, and get plenty of sleep. It won't prevent every type of illness, but it's a good start. And carry contact information for local doctors and hospitals just in case.
Bring the basics. We always pack medications, including a fever and pain reliever (acetaminophen, ibuprofen), a stomach med, a thermometer, and, of course, plenty of bandages. Also, a bottle of hand sanitizer or wipes can be a lifesaver when you're traveling.
Know local hospitals. If your child does get sick, the first place to go is the front desk at the hotel. They should have information for the local medical professionals. But it?s also a good idea to make a list of the ERs in the area (and how you can get there) before you leave home.
On the plane ...
Veda Shook, flight attendant for Alaska Airlines and mom of two in Washington, D.C.
Keep the kids happy. I try to hide a little surprise for the kids, so if they're getting restless on the plane they can pull out a new toy, book, or game. That usually buys us more time. You should also bring an empty sippy cup to fill up at the water fountain once you've passed through security. Kids often can't wait until service comes through the plane to get something to drink. Having your own can prevent a midair meltdown.
Go nonstop. I'd rather pay extra -- or even drive an hour more to a different airport -- to get a nonstop flight than risk delays and the other hassles of taking a connecting flight with kids. But if you can't avoid connections, be sure to allow enough time between flights for your children to stretch, go to the bathroom, eat, and unwind without having to rush to the next gate.
Cut down on bags. With all the baggage fees, sometimes it's easier to buy bulky things, such as diapers, when you get there. You can also ship a box to your destination, which is often cheaper than the $25-$35 second-bag fee. If you stay with friends or family, ask to borrow their car seat, crib, and other gear.
On the road ...
Jennifer Huebner, spokesperson for American Automobile Association (AAA) and a mother of two in Orlando.
Research routes. For long drives with kids, I plan the route in advance, keeping in mind back roads and timing to avoid rush hour. If you're in the heart of a big city during gridlock traffic, it's not just stressful for you -- it can make the kids tense, too!
Take breaks. Build in travel time to stop every couple of hours. That gives kids a chance to move around and play. I'll even add in a quick trip to a children's museum or a big play area for them to blow off steam. Experts suggest you take a rest every two hours or 100 miles -- for kids, you should do it more often than that (after 90 minutes or less).
Be prepared. I always make a few different to-do lists, including a mini menu of snacks or a reminder to check that the car seat's installed properly. I also have a master list that tries to anticipate the kids' needs along the way, from baby wipes to games to keep them entertained during the drive.
When booking a room ...
Kammy Shuman, travel agent at Encompass the World Travel and a mother of two in Parma, Ohio.
Consider all-inclusives. These resorts are particularly nice for families because everything is right there. You don't have to worry about renting a car and car seat and driving everywhere. The cost of most food, drinks, and entertainment is already built in, so you don't have to pay every time. (See parents.com/resorts for ideas.)
Think location, location, location. When choosing your room, try to be as close to the pool, the beach, or the main attraction as possible. If you have a kid who's potty training or has to go to the bathroom a lot, you don't want to have to keep running over the sand and up 10 flights to your room.
Pick a kid-friendly place. The first thing I consider when planning a family trip is whether that hotel has kids' programs and babysitting services. Some resorts are amazing if you've got a baby. They have things such as bottle warmers, extra diapers, and even a nursery so certified staff can watch your little one while you hit the spa. Shop around hotel Websites in your ideal area to see what's available for kids.
Check into overseas options. If I'm traveling out of the country, I make sure there's food I know my kids will eat close to the hotel. It's also good to find one that offers room service, which isn't as common abroad. If you have a jet-lagged child, you don't want to have to go out in the middle of the night to find food or snacks.
For a safe stay ...
Colleen Driscoll, executive director for the International Association for Child Safety and mom of three in Baltimore.
Childproof your room. Make sure there's nothing that can harm a cruising toddler or a sleeping baby. I always pack a little kit that includes things such as a night-light, outlet covers, latches, and a travel safety gate. FYI: Some hotels will provide proofing kits or even do it for you if you ask in advance.
Have a backup plan. Don't be afraid to change rooms or even hotels if you?re worried about your child's safety. We did it after discovering our room had a tile floor. Our daughter was starting to crawl, and we felt like we couldn't safely put her down.
Originally published in the October 2010 issue of Parents magazine.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Oganizing Socks (for 3 children and more)
Anyone else like doing laundry? I didn't think so. I'm not a fan and am trying to find ways to organize clothing items so I can tell which child's pile they go into before I start folding.
I have three boys under the age of 6. I changed my routine to organizing socks (you'll notice below I had a different routine for 2 kids). I started with buying socks that specifically said their size on the bottom. Target sells socks like these. This was great for awhile, but I still wanted something faster. So the next idea was to buy different types of socks (I used this idea for underwear as well). So I buy several packs of the same exact style for each age group. For my eldest, I went with Hanes white and black socks (he needs it for his school uniform anyway). My middle child uses the Target socks with the size printed on the bottom. And my youngest has all the fun toddler socks. When I have to buy another size up, I will choose a different brand so I can quickly identify which sock goes with which child when I am organizing laundry.
With the underwear, my eldest uses minion style underwear from "Despicable Me." My middle child has the "superhero" style underwear. Any my youngest is still in diapers, but we are working on that. He will get the "Cars" style underwear. When my boys gets older, I will continue with this technique because it has saved me a lot of time. Too bad I can't do this with their clothes. I tend to buy what's on clearance and I don't think my boys want to wear all blue or all green everyday just so mom can have an easier time folding laundry. When they get older, they will start folding their own clothes. For sure.
This is when I had two children...
I have a 2 year old and 8 month old at this time, which means two completely separate sock sizes.
But the socks are so small for each that I still have a hard time figuring out which sock belongs to which kids. So I have come up with a system that works for me and doesn’t involve too much extra work and saves me time when I’m putting clothes away.
Mesh bags (different colors would be even better). You can easily find them on Amazon. I throw the whole mesh bag into the washer and dryer to the socks stay together and do not get separated. It saves me a lot of time and hassle and makes it easier to put the socks into the proper drawers.
I have three boys under the age of 6. I changed my routine to organizing socks (you'll notice below I had a different routine for 2 kids). I started with buying socks that specifically said their size on the bottom. Target sells socks like these. This was great for awhile, but I still wanted something faster. So the next idea was to buy different types of socks (I used this idea for underwear as well). So I buy several packs of the same exact style for each age group. For my eldest, I went with Hanes white and black socks (he needs it for his school uniform anyway). My middle child uses the Target socks with the size printed on the bottom. And my youngest has all the fun toddler socks. When I have to buy another size up, I will choose a different brand so I can quickly identify which sock goes with which child when I am organizing laundry.
With the underwear, my eldest uses minion style underwear from "Despicable Me." My middle child has the "superhero" style underwear. Any my youngest is still in diapers, but we are working on that. He will get the "Cars" style underwear. When my boys gets older, I will continue with this technique because it has saved me a lot of time. Too bad I can't do this with their clothes. I tend to buy what's on clearance and I don't think my boys want to wear all blue or all green everyday just so mom can have an easier time folding laundry. When they get older, they will start folding their own clothes. For sure.
This is when I had two children...
I have a 2 year old and 8 month old at this time, which means two completely separate sock sizes.
But the socks are so small for each that I still have a hard time figuring out which sock belongs to which kids. So I have come up with a system that works for me and doesn’t involve too much extra work and saves me time when I’m putting clothes away.
Mesh bags (different colors would be even better). You can easily find them on Amazon. I throw the whole mesh bag into the washer and dryer to the socks stay together and do not get separated. It saves me a lot of time and hassle and makes it easier to put the socks into the proper drawers.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
This article reminds me how we are always finding a balance as a parent in quality time mixed with personal time mixed with never ending guilt.
Stop Putting Your Kids First
It wasn't too many years ago that parents believed children should be "seen and not heard." Now they've become the center of our universe. But these have not been good years for the parents who hover over their kids' every thought and action and become slaves to their every desire. According to recent studies, college students who have helicopter parents were more likely to be neurotic and dependent, and are "the least happy with college and ... are doing less well academically and socially."
I can read the T-shirt now: "I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on tutors, enrichment classes and Baby Einstein CDs and all I got was a neurotic kid."
But, forget about the poor kids -- Margaret K. Nelson, a sociology professor at Middlebury College and the author of Parenting Out of Control: Anxious Parents in Uncertain Times is much more worried about the parents -- specifically, the parents' marriage:
Working a demanding job while paying painstaking attention to one's children leaves little time for maintaining a marriage. A study by Robin Wilson of the Washington and Lee University School of Law reports that women with MBAs get divorced or separated more often than those who have only a bachelor's degree, while women with law or medical degrees are more likely to divorce or separate than their male counterparts.
Those kinds of statistics haven't gone unnoticed, so it's not surprising that there has been an increasingly vocal group challenging parents to change their ways, among them David Code, an Episcopal minister and family coach. In his 2009 book, Put Your Marriage Before Your Kids, Code writes, "To raise healthy kids, simply put your marriage first and your children second. For many of today's couples, the children are priority No. 1 one and marriage is priority No. 10 -- and few of us make it past the top three priorities on our daily to-do list."
Psychiatrist Michelle Goland agrees: "The mistake many moms make is they believe that if they are a good mother, their husband will be fine and he will understand, but in reality, the husband may feel pushed out of the parenting role and begrudgingly gives up trying to have a relationship with his wife."
Adds author and cognitive behaviorist Judith S. Beck, "Parents need not, and should not, sacrifice their needs (and some of their desires) for the sake of their children. They should be able to make decisions based on what is good for individual family members, including themselves, and what is good for the family as a whole."
It isn't necessarily easy for the moms who do that, however -- just ask author Ayelet Waldman, whose proclamation that she loves her husband, author Michael Chabon, more than their four kids caused such an outcry that she felt compelled to examine modern-day parenting in her book, Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace. Still, more and more parenting experts are encouraging parents to chill and refocus.
But what if you're divorced, as I am? What if you have no marriage to work on, no spouse to pamper and put first? What if there's just you? Can a divorced person put his or her needs first, before the kids?
I wouldn't want to admit to doing that too loudly at the next PTA gathering.
"Good" single parents are supposed to sacrifice for their kids, or so says single mom Shoshana Alexander, a founding editor of the Utne Reader. Researching for her book In Praise of Single Parents, she found that, "All of the successful single parents I interviewed ... had, early on, decided to make their children the central focus of their lives."
Somehow, that doesn't seem right -- or healthy.
Why would single parents have to go beyond the normal sacrifices that make up good parenting? A single mom who's frazzled trying to put her kids first isn't helping her kids; she's just making herself unhappy and unhealthy. And, as the saying goes, if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
But if single parents take care of our own needs, we're seen as selfish. Worse, we guilt-trip ourselves, believing that we're failing as a parent if we take time out for some personal indulgences, dating or even sex. It's worse if our kids don't see their other parent that much, or at all; it's easy to overcompensate while trying to take on the role of both parents. And so we fall into the single parent trap, forgetting that if we don't take care of ourselves, we turn into miserable, stressed-out, crappy parents.
I'd rather follow the advice of Kate Winslet, who says she started exercising post-divorce because "my way out of everything, has been really taking care of myself. I think that comes from an awareness that my children really need me, and they need me to be the healthiest version of myself that I can possibly be."
It's why airlines tell parents to put on their oxygen mask first before they assist their kids. You're not going to be much use to them if you pass out first.
Stop Putting Your Kids First
It wasn't too many years ago that parents believed children should be "seen and not heard." Now they've become the center of our universe. But these have not been good years for the parents who hover over their kids' every thought and action and become slaves to their every desire. According to recent studies, college students who have helicopter parents were more likely to be neurotic and dependent, and are "the least happy with college and ... are doing less well academically and socially."
I can read the T-shirt now: "I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on tutors, enrichment classes and Baby Einstein CDs and all I got was a neurotic kid."
But, forget about the poor kids -- Margaret K. Nelson, a sociology professor at Middlebury College and the author of Parenting Out of Control: Anxious Parents in Uncertain Times is much more worried about the parents -- specifically, the parents' marriage:
Working a demanding job while paying painstaking attention to one's children leaves little time for maintaining a marriage. A study by Robin Wilson of the Washington and Lee University School of Law reports that women with MBAs get divorced or separated more often than those who have only a bachelor's degree, while women with law or medical degrees are more likely to divorce or separate than their male counterparts.
Those kinds of statistics haven't gone unnoticed, so it's not surprising that there has been an increasingly vocal group challenging parents to change their ways, among them David Code, an Episcopal minister and family coach. In his 2009 book, Put Your Marriage Before Your Kids, Code writes, "To raise healthy kids, simply put your marriage first and your children second. For many of today's couples, the children are priority No. 1 one and marriage is priority No. 10 -- and few of us make it past the top three priorities on our daily to-do list."
Psychiatrist Michelle Goland agrees: "The mistake many moms make is they believe that if they are a good mother, their husband will be fine and he will understand, but in reality, the husband may feel pushed out of the parenting role and begrudgingly gives up trying to have a relationship with his wife."
Adds author and cognitive behaviorist Judith S. Beck, "Parents need not, and should not, sacrifice their needs (and some of their desires) for the sake of their children. They should be able to make decisions based on what is good for individual family members, including themselves, and what is good for the family as a whole."
It isn't necessarily easy for the moms who do that, however -- just ask author Ayelet Waldman, whose proclamation that she loves her husband, author Michael Chabon, more than their four kids caused such an outcry that she felt compelled to examine modern-day parenting in her book, Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace. Still, more and more parenting experts are encouraging parents to chill and refocus.
But what if you're divorced, as I am? What if you have no marriage to work on, no spouse to pamper and put first? What if there's just you? Can a divorced person put his or her needs first, before the kids?
I wouldn't want to admit to doing that too loudly at the next PTA gathering.
"Good" single parents are supposed to sacrifice for their kids, or so says single mom Shoshana Alexander, a founding editor of the Utne Reader. Researching for her book In Praise of Single Parents, she found that, "All of the successful single parents I interviewed ... had, early on, decided to make their children the central focus of their lives."
Somehow, that doesn't seem right -- or healthy.
Why would single parents have to go beyond the normal sacrifices that make up good parenting? A single mom who's frazzled trying to put her kids first isn't helping her kids; she's just making herself unhappy and unhealthy. And, as the saying goes, if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
But if single parents take care of our own needs, we're seen as selfish. Worse, we guilt-trip ourselves, believing that we're failing as a parent if we take time out for some personal indulgences, dating or even sex. It's worse if our kids don't see their other parent that much, or at all; it's easy to overcompensate while trying to take on the role of both parents. And so we fall into the single parent trap, forgetting that if we don't take care of ourselves, we turn into miserable, stressed-out, crappy parents.
I'd rather follow the advice of Kate Winslet, who says she started exercising post-divorce because "my way out of everything, has been really taking care of myself. I think that comes from an awareness that my children really need me, and they need me to be the healthiest version of myself that I can possibly be."
It's why airlines tell parents to put on their oxygen mask first before they assist their kids. You're not going to be much use to them if you pass out first.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Helping Your Child Deal with Criticism
It's hard as a mom to keep my "mama bear" at bay when I see my kids hurting from comments, but I also think many parents have gotten away from helping their kids deal with these comments. "Helicopter" parents tend to shield their child and deal with a situation themselves then allow their child develop skills on dealing with critism. I like this article because it offers suggestion on this sensitive issue. This article was found in Parent magazine, March 2011 issue.
Scenarios to Help Your Child Learn Constructive Criticism
My friend's 6-year-old daughter, Caitlyn, was at her BFF's house, and she began to whine about the board game they were playing. The other girl's mom jumped in and told her, "That's not how we talk to each other in this family." Caitlyn immediately shut down and said that she wanted to go home.
No one likes to be criticized, but negative feedback can be particularly difficult for 5- and 6-year-olds. Even if the criticism seems constructive, your child may lash out, blame someone else, or withdraw, depending on the situation. However, you can help her understand its true purpose: to learn about her strengths and weaknesses and work to change her shortcomings because this will help her become a successful adult, says Parents advisor Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. These scenarios will give you pointers to steer her in the right direction.
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Teacher
A teacher wrote your daughter's name on the board for talking when she wasn't called on. Your daughter tells you that she hates her teacher.
Handle It Right Your first instinct may be to punish or lecture her, but her heated response is your cue she's already upset. A better approach: Empathize with her feelings of embarrassment, suggests Rebecca Cortes, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist at the University of Washington, in Seattle. Resist the temptation to have a lengthy discussion. Keep it simple with something like, "I can see you're upset; that's how people feel when they're embarrassed. Sometimes when people feel that way, they also feel frustrated and angry. It's okay to have those emotions, and while you can always talk to me about them, it's not okay to express those negative feelings in the classroom."
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Friend's Mother
A friend's mother told your son on a playdate not to call a toy "stupid." You heard him reply, "Why not? My mom lets me use that word."
Handle It Right Yes, you've let him say the word on occasion, as long as he's not describing a person. But a child who is ashamed about being reprimanded often tries to deal with the feeling by arguing or being belligerent. This is a good time to talk to him about how there are different rules in different places and the importance of respecting them. Give him the words to explain next time why he acted the way he did ("Sorry, I didn't know about the rule"), and then teach him the phrase: "Do you mind if I ask why?" If he is curious (why shouldn't he call a toy stupid, for example?), it's a polite way for him to question something.
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Coach
The T-ball coach asks your child to stop daydreaming during practice, and she bursts into tears.
Handle It Right Once she's calm, help her see that the coach was looking out for her because she could get hit in the head by the ball or miss an important instruction. Ask her why she burst into tears. If she was upset about what the other kids would think, let her know that her reaction probably got a lot more attention than the coach's initial comments. Then teach her an appropriate response, like "Got it. Thanks." Says Dr. Berman: "Giving your child a response like that to use next time helps her take power back."
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Classmate
A classmate told your son that his picture is messy. He responded, "Well, your picture is ugly!"
Handle It Right First, you'll need to help your child make sense of his emotions. Ask him directly, "How did that comment make you feel?" Let him know that you understand why he may have felt embarrassed -- and even hurt. "You want to encourage him to accept, rather than dismiss, his feelings," explains Dr. Cortes. Talk to him about how words can hurt people, and ask him how he thinks his own rude retort made the other boy feel. Explain that if he reacts angrily to a hurtful comment, he can end up doing to others precisely what he didn't like having done to him -- and point out that now two people will be left feeling hurt and upset. Give him some options on how to respond in the future if this happens. For instance, he can ask the boy why he thinks the picture is messy, or he could tell the boy that the comment hurt his feelings. You might also suggest he just say, "Well, that's your opinion."
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Family Member
Your sister tells your daughter that she's not playing hopscotch the right way. Your daughter won't let her explain and later tells you she thinks her aunt doesn't like her.
Handle It Right Her reaction may seem extreme to you. But if you say, "Honey, that's ridiculous. Of course she likes you," you may make her feel worse. Reassure her that her aunt loves her and that she only wants to teach her how to play the game according to the rules. "The trick is to get your child to learn how to handle criticism gracefully and learn from it," says Parents advisor Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Use this opportunity to explain to her that criticism, although not always easy to take, is a fact of life. Help her practice how to respond if she's in a similar situation again. For instance, tell her it's fine to simply say, "Thank you" or "Okay, I'll try," and leave it at that.
Scenarios to Help Your Child Learn Constructive Criticism
My friend's 6-year-old daughter, Caitlyn, was at her BFF's house, and she began to whine about the board game they were playing. The other girl's mom jumped in and told her, "That's not how we talk to each other in this family." Caitlyn immediately shut down and said that she wanted to go home.
No one likes to be criticized, but negative feedback can be particularly difficult for 5- and 6-year-olds. Even if the criticism seems constructive, your child may lash out, blame someone else, or withdraw, depending on the situation. However, you can help her understand its true purpose: to learn about her strengths and weaknesses and work to change her shortcomings because this will help her become a successful adult, says Parents advisor Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. These scenarios will give you pointers to steer her in the right direction.
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Teacher
A teacher wrote your daughter's name on the board for talking when she wasn't called on. Your daughter tells you that she hates her teacher.
Handle It Right Your first instinct may be to punish or lecture her, but her heated response is your cue she's already upset. A better approach: Empathize with her feelings of embarrassment, suggests Rebecca Cortes, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist at the University of Washington, in Seattle. Resist the temptation to have a lengthy discussion. Keep it simple with something like, "I can see you're upset; that's how people feel when they're embarrassed. Sometimes when people feel that way, they also feel frustrated and angry. It's okay to have those emotions, and while you can always talk to me about them, it's not okay to express those negative feelings in the classroom."
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Friend's Mother
A friend's mother told your son on a playdate not to call a toy "stupid." You heard him reply, "Why not? My mom lets me use that word."
Handle It Right Yes, you've let him say the word on occasion, as long as he's not describing a person. But a child who is ashamed about being reprimanded often tries to deal with the feeling by arguing or being belligerent. This is a good time to talk to him about how there are different rules in different places and the importance of respecting them. Give him the words to explain next time why he acted the way he did ("Sorry, I didn't know about the rule"), and then teach him the phrase: "Do you mind if I ask why?" If he is curious (why shouldn't he call a toy stupid, for example?), it's a polite way for him to question something.
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Coach
The T-ball coach asks your child to stop daydreaming during practice, and she bursts into tears.
Handle It Right Once she's calm, help her see that the coach was looking out for her because she could get hit in the head by the ball or miss an important instruction. Ask her why she burst into tears. If she was upset about what the other kids would think, let her know that her reaction probably got a lot more attention than the coach's initial comments. Then teach her an appropriate response, like "Got it. Thanks." Says Dr. Berman: "Giving your child a response like that to use next time helps her take power back."
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Classmate
A classmate told your son that his picture is messy. He responded, "Well, your picture is ugly!"
Handle It Right First, you'll need to help your child make sense of his emotions. Ask him directly, "How did that comment make you feel?" Let him know that you understand why he may have felt embarrassed -- and even hurt. "You want to encourage him to accept, rather than dismiss, his feelings," explains Dr. Cortes. Talk to him about how words can hurt people, and ask him how he thinks his own rude retort made the other boy feel. Explain that if he reacts angrily to a hurtful comment, he can end up doing to others precisely what he didn't like having done to him -- and point out that now two people will be left feeling hurt and upset. Give him some options on how to respond in the future if this happens. For instance, he can ask the boy why he thinks the picture is messy, or he could tell the boy that the comment hurt his feelings. You might also suggest he just say, "Well, that's your opinion."
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Family Member
Your sister tells your daughter that she's not playing hopscotch the right way. Your daughter won't let her explain and later tells you she thinks her aunt doesn't like her.
Handle It Right Her reaction may seem extreme to you. But if you say, "Honey, that's ridiculous. Of course she likes you," you may make her feel worse. Reassure her that her aunt loves her and that she only wants to teach her how to play the game according to the rules. "The trick is to get your child to learn how to handle criticism gracefully and learn from it," says Parents advisor Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Use this opportunity to explain to her that criticism, although not always easy to take, is a fact of life. Help her practice how to respond if she's in a similar situation again. For instance, tell her it's fine to simply say, "Thank you" or "Okay, I'll try," and leave it at that.
5 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9
Ever wonder about proper etiquette when it came to your kids? I read this article in Parent magazine (March 2011), and then I found it posted on a blog and so I thought I would share.
5 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9
1. When asking for something, say “Please.”
2. When receiving something. Say “Thank You.”
3. Do not interrupt grown-us who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.
4. If you need to get somebody’s attention right away, the phrase “excuse me” is the most polite way for you to enter the conversation.
5. When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.
6. The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
7. Do not comment on other people’s physical characteristics unless, of course, it’s to compliment them, which is always welcome.
8. When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.
9. When you have spent time at your friend’s house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had.
10. Knock on closed doors-and wait to see if there’s a response-before entering.
11. When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.
12.Be appreciative and say “thank you” for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.
13. Never use foul language in front of adults. Grown-ups already know all those words, and they find them boring and unpleasant.
14. Don’t call people mean names.
15. Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak and ganging up on someone else is cruel.
16. Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend you are interested. The performers are presenters are doing their best.
17. If you bump into somebody, immediately say “Excuse Me.”
18. Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don’t pick your nose in public.
19. As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.
20. If you come across a parent, a teacher, or a neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. If they say “yes.” Do so- you may learn something new.
21. When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.
22. When someone helps you, say “thank you.” That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers!
23. Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do.
24. Keep a napkin on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.
25. Don’t reach for things at the table; ask to have them passed.
written by David Lowry, PH.D. The list was published in Parents Magazine
5 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9
1. When asking for something, say “Please.”
2. When receiving something. Say “Thank You.”
3. Do not interrupt grown-us who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.
4. If you need to get somebody’s attention right away, the phrase “excuse me” is the most polite way for you to enter the conversation.
5. When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.
6. The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
7. Do not comment on other people’s physical characteristics unless, of course, it’s to compliment them, which is always welcome.
8. When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.
9. When you have spent time at your friend’s house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had.
10. Knock on closed doors-and wait to see if there’s a response-before entering.
11. When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.
12.Be appreciative and say “thank you” for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.
13. Never use foul language in front of adults. Grown-ups already know all those words, and they find them boring and unpleasant.
14. Don’t call people mean names.
15. Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak and ganging up on someone else is cruel.
16. Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend you are interested. The performers are presenters are doing their best.
17. If you bump into somebody, immediately say “Excuse Me.”
18. Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don’t pick your nose in public.
19. As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.
20. If you come across a parent, a teacher, or a neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. If they say “yes.” Do so- you may learn something new.
21. When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.
22. When someone helps you, say “thank you.” That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers!
23. Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do.
24. Keep a napkin on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.
25. Don’t reach for things at the table; ask to have them passed.
written by David Lowry, PH.D. The list was published in Parents Magazine
Monday, March 28, 2011
"Superman" Super Fails
I took this article from the Redbook magazines website. I believe the movie is sending a biased and incorrect view of how most teaches are and their dedication to their career. If you go to the link, there is an article you can read from the parent's perspective, which shows how effective the movie was in skewing the public's opinion of teachers and their union.
"Every film needs a villain, but this one’s got it wrong."
I recently went to go see Waiting for "Superman" with a friend of mine who’s also a teacher in the New York City public school system. When we walked into the theatre, I was excited to see what all of the buzz and controversy was about. I couldn’t wait for the movie to expose all of the issues that public school teachers have to deal with on a daily basis. Walking out was a different story. I had a hard time pinpointing all the different nerves the film hit, but I knew one thing — by the time the credits rolled, I was scared.
Scared? Well, yeah. For one thing, I was scared that the movie sent the wrong message about people like me who are dedicating our lives to public education. I was also scared that anyone who sees the film will start to look at teachers as the enemies, and stop working with us to help us succeed at improving the system we’ve been dealt. Davis Guggenheim, the film’s creator, made it clear that we have to get rid of bad teachers and I could not agree more. But what about the good ones? How do we help them? This country needs to work hard at attracting and retaining bright, motivated teachers in the classroom — not demonizing them. Trust me on this, in most cases, teachers are not the enemy.
For all of the important muckraking that the documentary provides, Guggenheim left out a glaringly obvious perspective — that of American teacher. He had “experts” talk about reform, he gave parents a voice where they don’t normally have one, and he provided the platform for former teachers like Geoffrey Canada and Michelle Rhee to explain how they can “fix” education. (For the record, suggesting that there’s one resolution to this deep-rooted problem is totally delusional).
Guggenheim blatantly left out the people on the front lines, the teachers, and by doing so, made us out to be the bad guys. I’m normally a big fan of Guggenheim’s work, but come on: How can you make a film about education without talking to the people who are running the classrooms now? The movie only focuses on bad teachers, and leaves out the ones who are doing their best without the support, training, and supplies they need to be successful. It’s time for people to realize that when our country sets teachers up for failure, they also set children up for failure.
The film also failed to show the obstacles public school teachers overcome every day. Many teachers are constantly dealing with uncooperative parents (unlike the dedicated parents in the movie) who do little to nothing to support their child’s academic success at home. Hilary Clinton coined the phrase “it takes a village” in the mid 1990’s, but somehow reformers have forgotten how true that saying is. Teachers are expected to do a village’s job...alone. In addition to working with children who come from difficult circumstances, teachers are often not given the supplies they need, even though local districts and states are somehow spending more money per-pupil than ever before. And finally (I’m running out of breath here), many public school teachers often have to deal with unimaginable working conditions that no child should have to learn in and no adult should have to work in.
So here’s my take: Sure, there are bad teachers. And of course, our country’s education system needs a major overhaul. But let’s not ignore the fact that there are tons (and I mean TONS) of teachers out there trying to provide kids with a solid education — many of whom are doing so with minimal resources in overcrowded classrooms in dilapidated buildings. My favorite line in the movie was “Great schools come from great people.” Let’s work together to keep those great teachers in the classroom instead of ostracizing them.
"Every film needs a villain, but this one’s got it wrong."
I recently went to go see Waiting for "Superman" with a friend of mine who’s also a teacher in the New York City public school system. When we walked into the theatre, I was excited to see what all of the buzz and controversy was about. I couldn’t wait for the movie to expose all of the issues that public school teachers have to deal with on a daily basis. Walking out was a different story. I had a hard time pinpointing all the different nerves the film hit, but I knew one thing — by the time the credits rolled, I was scared.
Scared? Well, yeah. For one thing, I was scared that the movie sent the wrong message about people like me who are dedicating our lives to public education. I was also scared that anyone who sees the film will start to look at teachers as the enemies, and stop working with us to help us succeed at improving the system we’ve been dealt. Davis Guggenheim, the film’s creator, made it clear that we have to get rid of bad teachers and I could not agree more. But what about the good ones? How do we help them? This country needs to work hard at attracting and retaining bright, motivated teachers in the classroom — not demonizing them. Trust me on this, in most cases, teachers are not the enemy.
For all of the important muckraking that the documentary provides, Guggenheim left out a glaringly obvious perspective — that of American teacher. He had “experts” talk about reform, he gave parents a voice where they don’t normally have one, and he provided the platform for former teachers like Geoffrey Canada and Michelle Rhee to explain how they can “fix” education. (For the record, suggesting that there’s one resolution to this deep-rooted problem is totally delusional).
Guggenheim blatantly left out the people on the front lines, the teachers, and by doing so, made us out to be the bad guys. I’m normally a big fan of Guggenheim’s work, but come on: How can you make a film about education without talking to the people who are running the classrooms now? The movie only focuses on bad teachers, and leaves out the ones who are doing their best without the support, training, and supplies they need to be successful. It’s time for people to realize that when our country sets teachers up for failure, they also set children up for failure.
The film also failed to show the obstacles public school teachers overcome every day. Many teachers are constantly dealing with uncooperative parents (unlike the dedicated parents in the movie) who do little to nothing to support their child’s academic success at home. Hilary Clinton coined the phrase “it takes a village” in the mid 1990’s, but somehow reformers have forgotten how true that saying is. Teachers are expected to do a village’s job...alone. In addition to working with children who come from difficult circumstances, teachers are often not given the supplies they need, even though local districts and states are somehow spending more money per-pupil than ever before. And finally (I’m running out of breath here), many public school teachers often have to deal with unimaginable working conditions that no child should have to learn in and no adult should have to work in.
So here’s my take: Sure, there are bad teachers. And of course, our country’s education system needs a major overhaul. But let’s not ignore the fact that there are tons (and I mean TONS) of teachers out there trying to provide kids with a solid education — many of whom are doing so with minimal resources in overcrowded classrooms in dilapidated buildings. My favorite line in the movie was “Great schools come from great people.” Let’s work together to keep those great teachers in the classroom instead of ostracizing them.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I liked this article from Redbook (Sept 2010) because it spoke of the balance needed between both parents to raise a family successfully.
7 Secrets of Low-Stress Families
It was the first experiment of its kind: Thirty-two California families opened their doors (their front doors, bedroom doors, even bathroom doors) to researchers from UCLA who wanted to find out how they manage the demands of work and family life. With a three-person crew, researchers occupied families' homes for four days from morning until bedtime, recording every minute spent folding laundry, every homework panic, every dinner table dispute about the yuckiness of vegetables. The researchers conducted interviews with each of the family members and measured their stress levels throughout the day. The families were studied between 2002 and 2005; each had two working parents, two or more children, and a mortgage — a profile that looks like many American households. "When I observed these families, I felt like I was looking in at my own life," says lead researcher Tami Kremer-Sadlik, Ph.D., director of research at UCLA's Center on the Everyday Lives of Families. "I'm a working mom with two children, and I could identify with the women we studied who reported feeling pressed for time and who were trying to balance work and family demands." But among those stressful moments, researchers also saw the key instances of warmth and love that make great families. And as Kremer-Sadlik and other female researchers who had their own families found out, getting a glimpse into the lives of other families gives us a unique perspective on how to better take care of our own. Use what they learned to calm stress and create joy in your house.
1. Low-stress couples don't divvy up the chores.
For one part of the project, Kremer-Sadlik and a colleague studied how couples' division of housework was connected to their marital satisfaction. "Surprisingly, it didn't matter how evenly couples split up the chores," Kremer-Sadlik says. "We found that both spouses were happier when both felt like they were working toward the same goal, regardless of who did more" (and women did more across the board). "The women in happy marriages told us that their spouses seemed to have an understanding of what needed to be done. We observed their husbands setting the table while their wife was cooking, or straightening up without being told what to do." Sound too good to be true? Know that just talking about your joint mission for the family can eliminate much of the "keeping score" conflict. "The happy couples often discussed their shared goals for their family," she says. "There was more of a we-ness there — and that spilled over into chores. Their attitude was more, 'We do for our family,' not, 'I do this for you.'" But with two working parents' and children's schedules to coordinate, researcher Darby Saxbe, Ph.D., a 33-year-old mom from Los Angeles, observed many couples communicating only about who needed to do what. "It felt like they were running a business!" Saxbe says. "Squeezing in little moments of fun with your partner — whether you steal a quick kiss or exchange a joke — makes a difference." And researchers noticed that in some homes where the wives expressed more appreciation, the husbands also took on more household tasks.
2. Low-stress families find small moments of togetherness.
Every mom fantasizes about taking the perfect family vacation or spending a blissed-out day with her husband and kids. But real-life bonding time is made up of much smaller events. "I think a lot of us have this idea that we need to create big moments of togetherness, but we saw so many times that families had opportunities to connect throughout the day that they weren't aware of," Kremer-Sadlik says. Those small moments might be the 10 minutes you spend braiding your daughter's hair or your time spent cheering on your son at his Little League game. "I remember one moment when a daughter and mom were folding laundry, and the daughter stuck her foot in a sock and challenged her mom to find her foot among the pile of laundry," she recalls. "It was a loving moment of laughing and playing around in the midst of daily life."
Belinda Campos, Ph.D., whose focus in the study was family relationships, noticed the same thing. "There's this cultural ideal of wanting to carve out quality time," says the 36-year-old from Irvine, CA. "But many families overlooked the daily stuff that keeps you connected." One example was the way families reacted when dads came home from work. "There were two types of behaviors among the families: those where the wives and children greeted the dad with a warm hello, and those where the children never got up from their video games and the wives greeted Dad with logistics like, 'Did you pick up the chicken for dinner?'" Campos says. "But those seconds after Dad walked in the door may have shaped his mood for the night. It's such a small thing; that's the moment to acknowledge that a person is coming into a place where he matters."
3. Low-stress parents are role models — not pals.
Treating your partner with respect is not only good for your marriage — it also actually affects the whole family dynamic. "When spouses showed patience and support, as opposed to being impatient, sarcastic, or critical, their children were more respectful toward them, and the smoother the households ran," Kremer-Sadlik says of her findings from a previous study. "Their mini goals throughout the day, such as getting dinner on the table or finishing homework, ran more smoothly and more pleasantly." The same was true for parents who set the rules for the kids, as opposed to those who let their children help make the decisions. "When parents delegated chores to their children, rather than asking them which chores they wanted to do, there were fewer tantrums and arguments," Campos says. "There was still affection and humor in homes where parents were the bosses, but there was never a question of who was in charge."
4. Low-stress moms make dinner from scratch.
Believe it or not, using processed convenience foods for dinner doesn't actually save you cooking time. That's what really surprised 39-year-old mom and researcher Margaret Beck, whose focus for the study was food preparation. "All the families spent roughly one hour preparing dinner, whether they used processed foods or fresh ingredients," she says. The moms who prepared more convenience foods tended to overcompensate by having more courses — either side dishes or separate meals for the kids — which wasted time. And if you want your children to eat what's on the table: "The kids who assisted in the food preparation always ate what was served," Beck says. "And the mood in the house was lighter and happier when the kids spend cooking time in the kitchen." Talk about a win-win!
5. Low-stress moms take five minutes of me time.
There's a secret to being fully present and enjoying family life after a demanding day at work: "The findings suggested that when women unwound alone for 5 or 10 minutes, it set a positive tone for the rest of the night," says researcher Shu-wen Wang, a 28-year-old mom from Los Angeles who helped review more than 1,540 hours of footage. "Moms reported unwinding by exercising, gardening, or having a candy bar — not that I recommend that last approach! I always felt selfish taking time for me, especially after working all day, but this study proved to me how healthy it is for moms and their families."
6. Low-stress families watch TV together.
If you feel guilty every time your family plops in front a television after a long day rather than doing something more interactive, don't sweat it. "Families who watched TV together showed many bonding behaviors," Campos says. "Bonding can be sharing snacks, high-fiving each other if the Lakers score a basket, or guessing trivia questions together during Jeopardy!" Even sitcoms can bring you closer. "When families laugh together during a TV show, that's a shared moment they have in common, and it creates a memory," she says. So on days where you just can't muster the energy to recruit the kids for crazy 8's or kickball in the yard, know that a little TV time can be good for your family too.
7. Low-stress families embrace daily rituals.
"I used to believe that spontaneity and excitement were what kept couples connected, but it's truly the routine and continuity that set the foundation for making family relationships thrive," Wang says. "Whether it was a couple sitting down at the end of the day with a cup of coffee or parents reading a bedtime story to their children, these little moments are what make family life so comforting and kept couples close." Sometimes, the mad-dash moments seem to define our days, but "it's only when we find moments to slow down that we can fully appreciate those everyday moments that make a family," Saxbe says. "I remember watching a mom kissing her son and tucking him into bed. The son responded, 'I want another kiss, Mommy!' So the mom kissed him again. They repeated this five or six times — it was so sweet! Watching this made me appreciate how lucky I am to have a family I care about and how I how important it is to cherish these little moments of love when they come along."
7 Secrets of Low-Stress Families
It was the first experiment of its kind: Thirty-two California families opened their doors (their front doors, bedroom doors, even bathroom doors) to researchers from UCLA who wanted to find out how they manage the demands of work and family life. With a three-person crew, researchers occupied families' homes for four days from morning until bedtime, recording every minute spent folding laundry, every homework panic, every dinner table dispute about the yuckiness of vegetables. The researchers conducted interviews with each of the family members and measured their stress levels throughout the day. The families were studied between 2002 and 2005; each had two working parents, two or more children, and a mortgage — a profile that looks like many American households. "When I observed these families, I felt like I was looking in at my own life," says lead researcher Tami Kremer-Sadlik, Ph.D., director of research at UCLA's Center on the Everyday Lives of Families. "I'm a working mom with two children, and I could identify with the women we studied who reported feeling pressed for time and who were trying to balance work and family demands." But among those stressful moments, researchers also saw the key instances of warmth and love that make great families. And as Kremer-Sadlik and other female researchers who had their own families found out, getting a glimpse into the lives of other families gives us a unique perspective on how to better take care of our own. Use what they learned to calm stress and create joy in your house.
1. Low-stress couples don't divvy up the chores.
For one part of the project, Kremer-Sadlik and a colleague studied how couples' division of housework was connected to their marital satisfaction. "Surprisingly, it didn't matter how evenly couples split up the chores," Kremer-Sadlik says. "We found that both spouses were happier when both felt like they were working toward the same goal, regardless of who did more" (and women did more across the board). "The women in happy marriages told us that their spouses seemed to have an understanding of what needed to be done. We observed their husbands setting the table while their wife was cooking, or straightening up without being told what to do." Sound too good to be true? Know that just talking about your joint mission for the family can eliminate much of the "keeping score" conflict. "The happy couples often discussed their shared goals for their family," she says. "There was more of a we-ness there — and that spilled over into chores. Their attitude was more, 'We do for our family,' not, 'I do this for you.'" But with two working parents' and children's schedules to coordinate, researcher Darby Saxbe, Ph.D., a 33-year-old mom from Los Angeles, observed many couples communicating only about who needed to do what. "It felt like they were running a business!" Saxbe says. "Squeezing in little moments of fun with your partner — whether you steal a quick kiss or exchange a joke — makes a difference." And researchers noticed that in some homes where the wives expressed more appreciation, the husbands also took on more household tasks.
2. Low-stress families find small moments of togetherness.
Every mom fantasizes about taking the perfect family vacation or spending a blissed-out day with her husband and kids. But real-life bonding time is made up of much smaller events. "I think a lot of us have this idea that we need to create big moments of togetherness, but we saw so many times that families had opportunities to connect throughout the day that they weren't aware of," Kremer-Sadlik says. Those small moments might be the 10 minutes you spend braiding your daughter's hair or your time spent cheering on your son at his Little League game. "I remember one moment when a daughter and mom were folding laundry, and the daughter stuck her foot in a sock and challenged her mom to find her foot among the pile of laundry," she recalls. "It was a loving moment of laughing and playing around in the midst of daily life."
Belinda Campos, Ph.D., whose focus in the study was family relationships, noticed the same thing. "There's this cultural ideal of wanting to carve out quality time," says the 36-year-old from Irvine, CA. "But many families overlooked the daily stuff that keeps you connected." One example was the way families reacted when dads came home from work. "There were two types of behaviors among the families: those where the wives and children greeted the dad with a warm hello, and those where the children never got up from their video games and the wives greeted Dad with logistics like, 'Did you pick up the chicken for dinner?'" Campos says. "But those seconds after Dad walked in the door may have shaped his mood for the night. It's such a small thing; that's the moment to acknowledge that a person is coming into a place where he matters."
3. Low-stress parents are role models — not pals.
Treating your partner with respect is not only good for your marriage — it also actually affects the whole family dynamic. "When spouses showed patience and support, as opposed to being impatient, sarcastic, or critical, their children were more respectful toward them, and the smoother the households ran," Kremer-Sadlik says of her findings from a previous study. "Their mini goals throughout the day, such as getting dinner on the table or finishing homework, ran more smoothly and more pleasantly." The same was true for parents who set the rules for the kids, as opposed to those who let their children help make the decisions. "When parents delegated chores to their children, rather than asking them which chores they wanted to do, there were fewer tantrums and arguments," Campos says. "There was still affection and humor in homes where parents were the bosses, but there was never a question of who was in charge."
4. Low-stress moms make dinner from scratch.
Believe it or not, using processed convenience foods for dinner doesn't actually save you cooking time. That's what really surprised 39-year-old mom and researcher Margaret Beck, whose focus for the study was food preparation. "All the families spent roughly one hour preparing dinner, whether they used processed foods or fresh ingredients," she says. The moms who prepared more convenience foods tended to overcompensate by having more courses — either side dishes or separate meals for the kids — which wasted time. And if you want your children to eat what's on the table: "The kids who assisted in the food preparation always ate what was served," Beck says. "And the mood in the house was lighter and happier when the kids spend cooking time in the kitchen." Talk about a win-win!
5. Low-stress moms take five minutes of me time.
There's a secret to being fully present and enjoying family life after a demanding day at work: "The findings suggested that when women unwound alone for 5 or 10 minutes, it set a positive tone for the rest of the night," says researcher Shu-wen Wang, a 28-year-old mom from Los Angeles who helped review more than 1,540 hours of footage. "Moms reported unwinding by exercising, gardening, or having a candy bar — not that I recommend that last approach! I always felt selfish taking time for me, especially after working all day, but this study proved to me how healthy it is for moms and their families."
6. Low-stress families watch TV together.
If you feel guilty every time your family plops in front a television after a long day rather than doing something more interactive, don't sweat it. "Families who watched TV together showed many bonding behaviors," Campos says. "Bonding can be sharing snacks, high-fiving each other if the Lakers score a basket, or guessing trivia questions together during Jeopardy!" Even sitcoms can bring you closer. "When families laugh together during a TV show, that's a shared moment they have in common, and it creates a memory," she says. So on days where you just can't muster the energy to recruit the kids for crazy 8's or kickball in the yard, know that a little TV time can be good for your family too.
7. Low-stress families embrace daily rituals.
"I used to believe that spontaneity and excitement were what kept couples connected, but it's truly the routine and continuity that set the foundation for making family relationships thrive," Wang says. "Whether it was a couple sitting down at the end of the day with a cup of coffee or parents reading a bedtime story to their children, these little moments are what make family life so comforting and kept couples close." Sometimes, the mad-dash moments seem to define our days, but "it's only when we find moments to slow down that we can fully appreciate those everyday moments that make a family," Saxbe says. "I remember watching a mom kissing her son and tucking him into bed. The son responded, 'I want another kiss, Mommy!' So the mom kissed him again. They repeated this five or six times — it was so sweet! Watching this made me appreciate how lucky I am to have a family I care about and how I how important it is to cherish these little moments of love when they come along."
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Lost Custody
Divorce is difficult for both parties involved. I believe there are both great fathers and mothers. I like how this article presents the changing times and the problems with the court systems in regards to child custody; and how to better prepare for a custody hearing.
Working Mother magazine December/January 2010
By: Sally Abrahms
Are more women facing the impossible choice between keeping a career that pays the bills and living with their children? When it comes to heartbreaking custody wars, people inside and outside the courts say that the growing number of stay-at-home dads and breadwinner moms means more working mothers are fighting an unprecedented uphill battle.
Getting ready for court that raw, overcast Monday morning two years ago, Julie Michaud dressed carefully. She chose a warm pink sweater and tailored black skirt, before slipping on her good luck charm, a necklace engraved with her kids’ names. She helped Daniel, 7, and Sophia, 5, get dressed, packed their school snacks and kissed them goodbye. An hour later, the petite brunette walked into a family probate courtroom.
A judge was deciding whether Julie, then 40, the owner of a beauty business in Boston, would get what she’d requested: joint custody of her children. Her husband, Mark, who’d been unemployed for five years, sought primary custody—a shock to Julie. Still, she was feeling confident. She’d worked hard to support her kids and was deeply devoted to them. Her lawyer assured her there was nothing to worry about, and Julie believed her case was strong.
As she surveyed the crowded courtroom, Julie fought to remain steady against a sudden riptide of emotion: The heartbreak of a ten-year marriage in shambles. The fear of not being the one to tuck her kids into bed each night. The anger at her husband for failing to help support them. “I couldn’t work any harder,” Julie says. “I begged him to get a job.” In court papers, Mark, a graphic artist by training, said he had agreed to stay home with the kids so Julie could build her business.
It took hours for the case to be called. Then a female judge flipped through the stacks of paperwork and announced, “There are so many motions here, it would take three hours to get through them all. I’ll give each lawyer three minutes.” Julie was stunned. “I’ll never forget it,” she remembers. “Three minutes!”
Mark’s lawyer argued that because Mark had not worked since their youngest child was 1, his “marketable skills have decreased,” limiting his opportunities to find work.
Julie’s successful career was portrayed as so demanding that she neglected the children. But she felt some relief when the judge admonished Mark for pulling Sophia out of her arms when she’d gone to console their sobbing daughter about their upcoming divorce. “You won’t do that again,” the judge warned. At that moment, Julie felt the case sway in her favor.
Julie was at work two days later when she saw her lawyer’s number flash on the caller ID. This is it, she thought as she picked up the phone. “I have very bad news,” her lawyer began. Julie felt the blood leave her body. “The judge gave Mark temporary primary custody. You get Wednesdays, Fridays and every other Saturday.”
There was more: Julie had to pay $850 a week in child support and $450 a week in spousal support. She stopped listening. All she could think was I’m being punished for supporting my kids, while there’s this guy who refused to work.
Custody cases like Julie’s are increasingly being played out in family courtrooms across the country. A shift in the courts’ focus, a limping economy and dramatic male/female role reversals in many nuclear families are leading to nontraditional outcomes. Not long ago, men usually paid the child support and doled out the alimony. Moms (working or not) almost always got the kids in messy divorce wars. Years of changing diapers, wiping noses and kissing boo-boos gave them the edge. But now the tide is turning.
The “tender years doctrine,” a court presumption that mothers are the more suitable parent for children under 7, was abolished in most states in 1994. And, due in large part to the recession, women are poised to outnumber men in the workforce for the first time in American history. Job layoffs affecting more men than women have yielded a burgeoning crop of Mr. Moms.
“Men are now able to argue that they spend more time with the kids than their working wives do,” says veteran New York City divorce attorney Raoul Felder. “This is one of the dark sides of women’s accomplishments in the workplace—they’re getting a raw deal in custody cases, while men are being viewed more favorably.”
Indeed, Julie sat helpless as Mark’s lawyer argued that he was the one who arranged the playdates, took the kids to the pediatrician and volunteered at their schools.
Affidavits from teachers and neighbors attested to his hands-on involvement in their daily lives. Meanwhile, Julie’s long hours at work meant that people in the community didn’t witness just how much parenting she did out of view. No one saw the lunches she packed every morning, the all-nighters she pulled when the kids were sick. “If I could have done things differently,” Julie says today, “I would have made myself super-visible.”
The Shifting Landscape
There are about 2.2 million moms in this country like Julie, moms who don’t have primary physical custody of their children. And the number of working moms who lose primary custody has been rising steadily. “A mother’s career can be a liability in custody battles,” says Laura Allison Wasser, a Los Angeles–based lawyer who has represented Britney Spears and Kate Hudson in high-profile divorces. “There’s a huge influx of women who have full-time jobs. Judges want to know who the hands-on parent is, who spends more time with the child. I have made that argument myself: ‘Mom’s not home—she’s out working.’”
Today, it’s not uncommon for fathers seeking sole custody in a contested case to prevail at least 50 percent of the time. And Dad is asking for joint or primary custody more and more: Over the past decade, the number of fathers awarded custody of their children has doubled, according to the latest data. In the current generation of dads, gender doesn’t dictate who changes a diaper or consoles an infant. And as fathers become more entrenched in their roles as cocaregiver, they’re less willing to hand off that role when a marriage breaks down. Women are now also shelling out more child support and sometimes paying alimony. Today, one in every four wives earns more than her husband, compared to one in five 20 years ago. “It’s become a whole different ball game,” observes Rhode Island Family Court Judge Howard I. Lipsey.
Faced with time constraints that make it virtually impossible to get to know the families who appear before them, judges rely on certain assumptions. “When a judge sees a mother who’s working longer hours to support her family, the judge will have a harder time awarding her primary custody,” says Randy Kessler, a prominent divorce lawyer in Atlanta and vice chair of the American Bar Association’s Family Law Section.
“If she’s working that hard, the presumption will be that she’s largely absent from her kids’ lives.”
The current climate in family courts is surely worrisome if you’re a working mom weighing the possibility of divorce. Some would argue, however, that it’s fair. After years of favorable bias toward mothers, the custody battlefield has been leveled. A demanding career “is a potential liability for whichever parent is working more outside of the house,” asserts Jeff Atkinson, a professor of law at DePaul University College of Law in Chicago.
But if the custody status for working moms is code yellow today, it may soon ratchet up to code red. There are some 30 million mothers working now, yet economists expect that number to rise as the recession continues to roil unemployment rates. Female-dominated sectors such as education and health care are growing even as male-dominated fields such as finance and construction are being hit hard by layoffs. By mid-2009, men had lost 74 percent of the 6.4 million jobs that disappeared since the recession started. Forced out of the workforce, more dads are enjoying their role as primary caregiver.
Forced into the workforce—or into the primary breadwinner role—more moms are spending increased hours outside the home to pay the bills. Now collateral damage of the recession, will these women ultimately be penalized if it comes to a custody battle?
Kim Voichescu believes the answer is yes. The 35-year-old former civil engineer turned law student has spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to get physical custody of her two teenage sons. “My ex’s attorney questioned my ability to care for my children based on my extensive work schedule,” she says. “During the trial, he called into question my mothering abilities and asked, ‘How could someone who is so career-oriented be a nurturing mother?’ ” After the lawyer raised these doubts about her devotion to her kids, Kim had to ask the court for a break to compose herself. “We supposedly live in a modern age, and yet I had to justify my nurturing abilities because I have a job?”
What we’re seeing is more than a simple role reversal, notes Charlotte Goldberg, a family law professor at Loyola Law School in Los Angeles.
As progressive as we think we are, the courts haven’t fully grasped the many roles of working mothers. “Culturally embedded attitudes and roles are hard to change,” maintains Diana Dale, founder of the Houston-based WorkLife Institute. “Sometimes it takes three or four generations to make the attitude and behavior shifts.”
Today’s working women still face pressure to function in the traditional mother mode—even after a day at the office, says Ken Neumann, PhD, a New York City psychologist and divorce mediator. “Working mothers have a really bad deal because they have to do everything,” he says. “We don’t put that kind of pressure on men except in unusual circumstances.”
What’s a Working Mom to Do?
Struggling to find their footing on this new custody battleground, many women are at a loss. Heartbreaking stories of moms who’ve lost primary physical custody of their kids flood the Internet. Support groups and blogs such as Mothers Without Custody, Mothers Apart from Their Children and the National Association of Non-Custodial Moms
have sprouted up to console and enlighten. Although the process of deciding where a child will live is inherently agonizing, experts agree that there are concrete steps a working mother can take to protect her rights even before a custody battle begins.
Stay out of Court
Though the U.S. divorce rate tends to dip during economic downturns, it continues to hover at 50 percent. Experts estimate that each year, more than a million children experience their parents’ divorce. How to minimize the damage? Family court judges and divorce lawyers say that the smartest move is to avoid the courtroom. “Hash it out on your own,” advises attorney Felder, who’s witnessed the turmoil these cases can cause during his 40 years in practice. Don’t presume that because you couldn’t find a middle ground to save your marriage, you won’t be able to compromise in divorce for the sake of your kids. “Couples often fight over the children because they’re so angry at each other,” says Goldberg, the family law professor. “That’s a huge mistake. They should opt for mediation to work out the custody issues.”
Indeed, the American custody process has spawned a large number of cottage industries—not only mediators but forensic accountants, appraisers, evaluators, psychologists, child custody coaches and law guardians.
“They all feed off the carcasses of people fighting over the kids,” says Felder.
Many of us are looking at custody the wrong way, maintains Barbara Glesner Fines, a noted law professor at the University of Missouri–Kansas City School of Law. “The question shouldn’t be ‘How can I get or win custody?’ but rather ‘How can I make sure this re-formed family will function in a way that is good for the kids?’ Divorce is just the beginning of a lifetime of parenting your children with this other person. You’ve got to make that work.”
That’s what Portland, OR, life coach Lori Chance, 33, did— via mediation and parenting classes that showed her and her now ex-husband how to keep the kids out of the fray. Things got easier when they followed advice to keep the emotion out of the process. “We were told to look at the other parent as our business partner,” she says. “We hammered out an agreement without a judge making the decisions for us.”
Work Together
What Lori was eventually able to see is what many divorcing parents forget, says L.A. attorney Wasser: that your ex can still be your best ally in raising your children. “This is the one other person in the world who cares most about your kids,” she says. “If you can find a way to cooperate, you’ll be able to serve as backup child care for each other, and this will be better for everyone.”
Mental health experts reinforce the importance of two loving parents in a child’s life. New research from Arizona State University (ASU) in Tempe shows that kids rought up with shared custody or spending equal time with both divorced parents are physically healthier as adults than those living primarily with one. Other ASU studies find that the more time a child lives with a parent, the better the child’s long-term relationship is with that parent. “Even in high-conflict families, research shows it’s still better for the children to have a relationship with both parents,” asserts William Fabricius, PhD, a psychology professor at ASU who worked on the studies.
Good to know:
Legal Custody refers to being able to make decisions for the child, such as medical, educational and
living-arrangement decisions.
Physical Custody refers to where the child lives, eats and sleeps.
Working Mother magazine December/January 2010
By: Sally Abrahms
Are more women facing the impossible choice between keeping a career that pays the bills and living with their children? When it comes to heartbreaking custody wars, people inside and outside the courts say that the growing number of stay-at-home dads and breadwinner moms means more working mothers are fighting an unprecedented uphill battle.
Getting ready for court that raw, overcast Monday morning two years ago, Julie Michaud dressed carefully. She chose a warm pink sweater and tailored black skirt, before slipping on her good luck charm, a necklace engraved with her kids’ names. She helped Daniel, 7, and Sophia, 5, get dressed, packed their school snacks and kissed them goodbye. An hour later, the petite brunette walked into a family probate courtroom.
A judge was deciding whether Julie, then 40, the owner of a beauty business in Boston, would get what she’d requested: joint custody of her children. Her husband, Mark, who’d been unemployed for five years, sought primary custody—a shock to Julie. Still, she was feeling confident. She’d worked hard to support her kids and was deeply devoted to them. Her lawyer assured her there was nothing to worry about, and Julie believed her case was strong.
As she surveyed the crowded courtroom, Julie fought to remain steady against a sudden riptide of emotion: The heartbreak of a ten-year marriage in shambles. The fear of not being the one to tuck her kids into bed each night. The anger at her husband for failing to help support them. “I couldn’t work any harder,” Julie says. “I begged him to get a job.” In court papers, Mark, a graphic artist by training, said he had agreed to stay home with the kids so Julie could build her business.
It took hours for the case to be called. Then a female judge flipped through the stacks of paperwork and announced, “There are so many motions here, it would take three hours to get through them all. I’ll give each lawyer three minutes.” Julie was stunned. “I’ll never forget it,” she remembers. “Three minutes!”
Mark’s lawyer argued that because Mark had not worked since their youngest child was 1, his “marketable skills have decreased,” limiting his opportunities to find work.
Julie’s successful career was portrayed as so demanding that she neglected the children. But she felt some relief when the judge admonished Mark for pulling Sophia out of her arms when she’d gone to console their sobbing daughter about their upcoming divorce. “You won’t do that again,” the judge warned. At that moment, Julie felt the case sway in her favor.
Julie was at work two days later when she saw her lawyer’s number flash on the caller ID. This is it, she thought as she picked up the phone. “I have very bad news,” her lawyer began. Julie felt the blood leave her body. “The judge gave Mark temporary primary custody. You get Wednesdays, Fridays and every other Saturday.”
There was more: Julie had to pay $850 a week in child support and $450 a week in spousal support. She stopped listening. All she could think was I’m being punished for supporting my kids, while there’s this guy who refused to work.
Custody cases like Julie’s are increasingly being played out in family courtrooms across the country. A shift in the courts’ focus, a limping economy and dramatic male/female role reversals in many nuclear families are leading to nontraditional outcomes. Not long ago, men usually paid the child support and doled out the alimony. Moms (working or not) almost always got the kids in messy divorce wars. Years of changing diapers, wiping noses and kissing boo-boos gave them the edge. But now the tide is turning.
The “tender years doctrine,” a court presumption that mothers are the more suitable parent for children under 7, was abolished in most states in 1994. And, due in large part to the recession, women are poised to outnumber men in the workforce for the first time in American history. Job layoffs affecting more men than women have yielded a burgeoning crop of Mr. Moms.
“Men are now able to argue that they spend more time with the kids than their working wives do,” says veteran New York City divorce attorney Raoul Felder. “This is one of the dark sides of women’s accomplishments in the workplace—they’re getting a raw deal in custody cases, while men are being viewed more favorably.”
Indeed, Julie sat helpless as Mark’s lawyer argued that he was the one who arranged the playdates, took the kids to the pediatrician and volunteered at their schools.
Affidavits from teachers and neighbors attested to his hands-on involvement in their daily lives. Meanwhile, Julie’s long hours at work meant that people in the community didn’t witness just how much parenting she did out of view. No one saw the lunches she packed every morning, the all-nighters she pulled when the kids were sick. “If I could have done things differently,” Julie says today, “I would have made myself super-visible.”
The Shifting Landscape
There are about 2.2 million moms in this country like Julie, moms who don’t have primary physical custody of their children. And the number of working moms who lose primary custody has been rising steadily. “A mother’s career can be a liability in custody battles,” says Laura Allison Wasser, a Los Angeles–based lawyer who has represented Britney Spears and Kate Hudson in high-profile divorces. “There’s a huge influx of women who have full-time jobs. Judges want to know who the hands-on parent is, who spends more time with the child. I have made that argument myself: ‘Mom’s not home—she’s out working.’”
Today, it’s not uncommon for fathers seeking sole custody in a contested case to prevail at least 50 percent of the time. And Dad is asking for joint or primary custody more and more: Over the past decade, the number of fathers awarded custody of their children has doubled, according to the latest data. In the current generation of dads, gender doesn’t dictate who changes a diaper or consoles an infant. And as fathers become more entrenched in their roles as cocaregiver, they’re less willing to hand off that role when a marriage breaks down. Women are now also shelling out more child support and sometimes paying alimony. Today, one in every four wives earns more than her husband, compared to one in five 20 years ago. “It’s become a whole different ball game,” observes Rhode Island Family Court Judge Howard I. Lipsey.
Faced with time constraints that make it virtually impossible to get to know the families who appear before them, judges rely on certain assumptions. “When a judge sees a mother who’s working longer hours to support her family, the judge will have a harder time awarding her primary custody,” says Randy Kessler, a prominent divorce lawyer in Atlanta and vice chair of the American Bar Association’s Family Law Section.
“If she’s working that hard, the presumption will be that she’s largely absent from her kids’ lives.”
The current climate in family courts is surely worrisome if you’re a working mom weighing the possibility of divorce. Some would argue, however, that it’s fair. After years of favorable bias toward mothers, the custody battlefield has been leveled. A demanding career “is a potential liability for whichever parent is working more outside of the house,” asserts Jeff Atkinson, a professor of law at DePaul University College of Law in Chicago.
But if the custody status for working moms is code yellow today, it may soon ratchet up to code red. There are some 30 million mothers working now, yet economists expect that number to rise as the recession continues to roil unemployment rates. Female-dominated sectors such as education and health care are growing even as male-dominated fields such as finance and construction are being hit hard by layoffs. By mid-2009, men had lost 74 percent of the 6.4 million jobs that disappeared since the recession started. Forced out of the workforce, more dads are enjoying their role as primary caregiver.
Forced into the workforce—or into the primary breadwinner role—more moms are spending increased hours outside the home to pay the bills. Now collateral damage of the recession, will these women ultimately be penalized if it comes to a custody battle?
Kim Voichescu believes the answer is yes. The 35-year-old former civil engineer turned law student has spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to get physical custody of her two teenage sons. “My ex’s attorney questioned my ability to care for my children based on my extensive work schedule,” she says. “During the trial, he called into question my mothering abilities and asked, ‘How could someone who is so career-oriented be a nurturing mother?’ ” After the lawyer raised these doubts about her devotion to her kids, Kim had to ask the court for a break to compose herself. “We supposedly live in a modern age, and yet I had to justify my nurturing abilities because I have a job?”
What we’re seeing is more than a simple role reversal, notes Charlotte Goldberg, a family law professor at Loyola Law School in Los Angeles.
As progressive as we think we are, the courts haven’t fully grasped the many roles of working mothers. “Culturally embedded attitudes and roles are hard to change,” maintains Diana Dale, founder of the Houston-based WorkLife Institute. “Sometimes it takes three or four generations to make the attitude and behavior shifts.”
Today’s working women still face pressure to function in the traditional mother mode—even after a day at the office, says Ken Neumann, PhD, a New York City psychologist and divorce mediator. “Working mothers have a really bad deal because they have to do everything,” he says. “We don’t put that kind of pressure on men except in unusual circumstances.”
What’s a Working Mom to Do?
Struggling to find their footing on this new custody battleground, many women are at a loss. Heartbreaking stories of moms who’ve lost primary physical custody of their kids flood the Internet. Support groups and blogs such as Mothers Without Custody, Mothers Apart from Their Children and the National Association of Non-Custodial Moms
have sprouted up to console and enlighten. Although the process of deciding where a child will live is inherently agonizing, experts agree that there are concrete steps a working mother can take to protect her rights even before a custody battle begins.
Stay out of Court
Though the U.S. divorce rate tends to dip during economic downturns, it continues to hover at 50 percent. Experts estimate that each year, more than a million children experience their parents’ divorce. How to minimize the damage? Family court judges and divorce lawyers say that the smartest move is to avoid the courtroom. “Hash it out on your own,” advises attorney Felder, who’s witnessed the turmoil these cases can cause during his 40 years in practice. Don’t presume that because you couldn’t find a middle ground to save your marriage, you won’t be able to compromise in divorce for the sake of your kids. “Couples often fight over the children because they’re so angry at each other,” says Goldberg, the family law professor. “That’s a huge mistake. They should opt for mediation to work out the custody issues.”
Indeed, the American custody process has spawned a large number of cottage industries—not only mediators but forensic accountants, appraisers, evaluators, psychologists, child custody coaches and law guardians.
“They all feed off the carcasses of people fighting over the kids,” says Felder.
Many of us are looking at custody the wrong way, maintains Barbara Glesner Fines, a noted law professor at the University of Missouri–Kansas City School of Law. “The question shouldn’t be ‘How can I get or win custody?’ but rather ‘How can I make sure this re-formed family will function in a way that is good for the kids?’ Divorce is just the beginning of a lifetime of parenting your children with this other person. You’ve got to make that work.”
That’s what Portland, OR, life coach Lori Chance, 33, did— via mediation and parenting classes that showed her and her now ex-husband how to keep the kids out of the fray. Things got easier when they followed advice to keep the emotion out of the process. “We were told to look at the other parent as our business partner,” she says. “We hammered out an agreement without a judge making the decisions for us.”
Work Together
What Lori was eventually able to see is what many divorcing parents forget, says L.A. attorney Wasser: that your ex can still be your best ally in raising your children. “This is the one other person in the world who cares most about your kids,” she says. “If you can find a way to cooperate, you’ll be able to serve as backup child care for each other, and this will be better for everyone.”
Mental health experts reinforce the importance of two loving parents in a child’s life. New research from Arizona State University (ASU) in Tempe shows that kids rought up with shared custody or spending equal time with both divorced parents are physically healthier as adults than those living primarily with one. Other ASU studies find that the more time a child lives with a parent, the better the child’s long-term relationship is with that parent. “Even in high-conflict families, research shows it’s still better for the children to have a relationship with both parents,” asserts William Fabricius, PhD, a psychology professor at ASU who worked on the studies.
Good to know:
Legal Custody refers to being able to make decisions for the child, such as medical, educational and
living-arrangement decisions.
Physical Custody refers to where the child lives, eats and sleeps.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
"Cool Hand" Dad
I found this touching story in Parents Magazine June 2009.
When Robert Haag's son, Michael, was born five years ago without a fully developed left arm, Haag was stunned to learn that prosthetic hands for infants were essentially useless because the "forefinger" and "thumb" were connected to each other and therefore immobile. That's why Haag, of Atlanta, came up with a simple fix. He cut just-for-show appendages apart so that his son could at east hold a block or a pacifier like other children. And thus bean Haag's quest to make prosthetics useful to a child. He turned a Spider-Man fishing rod into a "fishing arm" by altering the pole to screw into Micheal's prosthetic socket. His goal is to improve Micheal's and other children's life and shares his designs on openprosthetics.org under "Pediatric Trainer."
When Robert Haag's son, Michael, was born five years ago without a fully developed left arm, Haag was stunned to learn that prosthetic hands for infants were essentially useless because the "forefinger" and "thumb" were connected to each other and therefore immobile. That's why Haag, of Atlanta, came up with a simple fix. He cut just-for-show appendages apart so that his son could at east hold a block or a pacifier like other children. And thus bean Haag's quest to make prosthetics useful to a child. He turned a Spider-Man fishing rod into a "fishing arm" by altering the pole to screw into Micheal's prosthetic socket. His goal is to improve Micheal's and other children's life and shares his designs on openprosthetics.org under "Pediatric Trainer."
Fun Facts to Impress The Kids About Bugs
I think these facts would interest adults as well as kids. (I found these in Parents magazine June 2009). Also, there are some insects that make for some unusual pets listed below. I was thinking about getting the hissing cockroaches for my classroom...
Ladybugs: Wings beat 85 times per second. Ladybugs have organs in their feet to help them smell.
Stinkbug: Spray foul smelling substance in self-defense
Whirligig beetle: lives in rivers and streams and has divided eyes that allow it to see above and below the surface at the same time
Water spiders: spend their entire lives under water in an air bubble they’ve spun from silk
Borneo Walking Sticks: Can grow more than 22 inches long!
Isopods (pill bugs or roly-poly-bugs): roll up into balls when disturbed.
Ants: can lift up to 50x and drag up to 30x their weight. And their brains are the largest in the animal kingdom, in proportion to the size of their body. (That gives us humans a run for our money).
Hercules beetle: can carry 850 times its own body weight, making it the world’s strongest creature!
INSECT PETS - cheap and easy to care for. Try a pet sore or you can order bugs at insectkit.com
Phasmids: stick insects eat fresh leaves and need a spray of water every day.
Ants: Fascination AntWorks at amazon.com uses nontoxic blue gel to that ants don't need additional food or water.
Crickets: Adult males sing and can be kept in a ventilated aquarium, and will eat lettuce and oatmeal.
Madagascar hissing cockroach: can't bite or hurt you. Keep it in a tank with a heating pad underneath and feed it fresh veggies, fruit, and dog food.
Ladybugs: Wings beat 85 times per second. Ladybugs have organs in their feet to help them smell.
Stinkbug: Spray foul smelling substance in self-defense
Whirligig beetle: lives in rivers and streams and has divided eyes that allow it to see above and below the surface at the same time
Water spiders: spend their entire lives under water in an air bubble they’ve spun from silk
Borneo Walking Sticks: Can grow more than 22 inches long!
Isopods (pill bugs or roly-poly-bugs): roll up into balls when disturbed.
Ants: can lift up to 50x and drag up to 30x their weight. And their brains are the largest in the animal kingdom, in proportion to the size of their body. (That gives us humans a run for our money).
Hercules beetle: can carry 850 times its own body weight, making it the world’s strongest creature!
INSECT PETS - cheap and easy to care for. Try a pet sore or you can order bugs at insectkit.com
Phasmids: stick insects eat fresh leaves and need a spray of water every day.
Ants: Fascination AntWorks at amazon.com uses nontoxic blue gel to that ants don't need additional food or water.
Crickets: Adult males sing and can be kept in a ventilated aquarium, and will eat lettuce and oatmeal.
Madagascar hissing cockroach: can't bite or hurt you. Keep it in a tank with a heating pad underneath and feed it fresh veggies, fruit, and dog food.
Movie Monitor Web-Sites
I know my son is young and will not be watching movies for another year or two, but I found some websites in Good Housekeeping July 2009 that can help parents find out why a DVD or TV show is rated PG-13 among other options. I think as a parent it's good to know where to turn when you are questioning what is appropriate for your school aged child.
www.kids-in-mind.com
Reviews here list exactly what's on screen in terms of sex & nudity, violence and gore, and profanity.
www.parentpreviews.com
This site presents reviews as report cards on quality, violence, sexual content, language, and drug use. Clink on "The Big Picture" for studies on kids media trends.
www.commonsensemedia.org
Movies, TV shows, Websites, games, books, and music are rated for suitability for kids ages 2-17.
www.kids-in-mind.com
Reviews here list exactly what's on screen in terms of sex & nudity, violence and gore, and profanity.
www.parentpreviews.com
This site presents reviews as report cards on quality, violence, sexual content, language, and drug use. Clink on "The Big Picture" for studies on kids media trends.
www.commonsensemedia.org
Movies, TV shows, Websites, games, books, and music are rated for suitability for kids ages 2-17.
Summer Skin Alert
I found this increase in cancer among our kids very scary.
Melanoma diagnoses among kids rose 84% from 1975 to 2005, according to the National Cancer Institute. One bad sunburn more than doubles your kid's chances of developing the deadly skin cancer later in life, says the Skin Cancer Foundation, so remind kids to apply water-resistant sunscreen (SPF 15 or higher) 30 minutes before heading outdoors. (Good Housekeeping July 2009)
Melanoma diagnoses among kids rose 84% from 1975 to 2005, according to the National Cancer Institute. One bad sunburn more than doubles your kid's chances of developing the deadly skin cancer later in life, says the Skin Cancer Foundation, so remind kids to apply water-resistant sunscreen (SPF 15 or higher) 30 minutes before heading outdoors. (Good Housekeeping July 2009)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)