Could You Go a Week Without Yelling at Your Kids? Redbook Magazine
For every mom out there saying, "Sure, no problem," there are thousands more shouting, "Impossible!" Here's how a confirmed yeller got through seven whole days using her inside voice.
By Amy Wilson
"Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty and raging fury." —The Incredible Hulk
I don't consider myself an angry person. I can count on one hand the number of times I've shouted at my husband, and I wouldn't dream of raising my voice at a rude salesperson. In fact, in all the world, there are only three people I ever get veiny-necked at: my children, ages 7, 6, and 2.
I'm not proud that I couldn't imagine treating a line-cutting stranger the way I do my own flesh and blood on a daily basis. But strangers don't tend to work my last nerve like my own kids can. What I actually say when I yell at them tends more toward "I don't care how itchy it is — you're wearing that scarf!" than anything truly damaging, but nonetheless, I've been meaning to stop. Two years ago I gave up yelling at my kids for Lent. I should've known it wouldn't go well: If I couldn't last 40 days without dark chocolate, I'd never be able to abstain that long from my primary means of discipline. I went 10 days without chocolate. Without yelling? Four hours.
Recently, however, I've sensed that all my sound and fury is losing effectiveness. As I railed at my children one morning for fighting over Silly Bandz, I saw them cast furtive glances at one another — Here she goes again. That day, I gave myself a new challenge: no yelling at the kids for a week. Only seven days. At summer camp, when I was 9, I didn't brush my hair for a week on a bunkmate's dare. By the end, I could have happily worn a baseball cap for the rest of my life. Would a break from yelling be similarly liberating? I needed to find out.
DAY 1: THE CHALLENGE BEGINS
I send Seamus and Connor, my 6- and 7-year-old sons, to brush their teeth after breakfast, knowing that they can't peacefully coexist for more than 30 seconds. I hear them hollering through the floor. Then a thump that sounds like somebody's head. Then howls of rage.
Any other day, I'd take the stairs three at a time, shouting that they'd better cut it out if they ever want to see Scooby-Doo again in this lifetime. But today I just stand there, taking cleansing breaths, and after a few thump-filled minutes...silence. To my astonishment, their fight ends without my intervention, and no one loses an ear either.
I'm not yelling! I think, terribly proud of myself.
Problem: My kids are. Lowering my own voice has made it glaringly clear that my children live their entire lives at the top of their lungs. I stay out of their scuffles for the rest of the day, just listening to the din around me. Where did my children learn to go full-throttle like this? Sadly, the answer is obvious.
By saying almost nothing at all, I avoid yelling for the entire day — but this tactic won't work for a whole week. Is there a way to execute firm discipline in a kinder, gentler way?
DAY 2: SPEAK SOFTLY AND...
My plan for today is that I will interrupt their fighting, but each time I want to get louder, I will get quieter instead. Just like Supernanny does with her recalcitrant charges.
"Shut UP!" my oldest shouts across the kitchen table.
"No, YOU shut up!" his brother bellows back.
These words are forbidden in our house, but I'm tempted to yell them myself. Instead, I murmur so quietly that they have to ask me to repeat myself: "The next person who says 'shut up' has to do 10 push-ups."
The military-style threat quiets everyone down — except for my 2-year-old daughter, who says, "The next person to say 'shut up,' dem do 10 pushers?" Her brothers, suddenly sticklers for rules, insist she drop and give 'em 10. Maggie doesn't mind, but she's kind of vague on what push-ups are, exactly, and in the ensuing battle over whether her attempts count, my oldest accidentally uses the "S.U." words again, then refuses to perform his own punishment. Soon I'm standing over him shrieking like a demented drill sergeant because he won't do the push-ups I'd prescribed specifically to avoid yelling.
"How's your experiment going?" my husband asks when he gets home that night.
"I yelled at Connor this morning," I admit (on the defensive), "but he disobeyed me to my face!" David listens to my story and proceeds carefully. "Okay, he didn't do his 10 push-ups," he says gently, "but that was just a silly thing you made up. I mean, he wasn't running into traffic."
He's right. I was yelling about the push-ups, but the boys' fight was long over. To stop screaming, I need to learn to quit while I'm ahead.
DAY 3: THE STRESS TEST
I take the kids out to dinner with my friend Susan and her brood. Between us, we have five children ages 7 and under, which makes for a big, boisterous table. As our kids squirm and talk at top volume, the woman in the next booth gives me the fish-eye over the rim of her wine glass.
I want to say: If you're looking for a peaceful, child-free meal, lady, don't go to a pizza joint at 5:30 p.m. But I internalize her judgment of me as a bad mom who can't control three children. To prove her — and myself — wrong, I grab Seamus's arm and hiss under my breath: "Use your inside voice now, or I'm taking you right out to the car, mister!"
This quiets him down for a few seconds, then I have to threaten him again, then his brother, then him, then his sister. I'm in a full sweat, while Susan just sits there, enjoying a garlic knot as her daughter bounces on the banquette.
"That lady's shooting us dirty looks," I explain.
"Really?" Susan says. "I hadn't noticed."
"Maybe we should get the pizza to go," I say.
"Why?" Susan asks, genuinely confused. "They're not running wild. They're just being kids."
She has a point. I'm disciplining my kids to meet a stranger's standards. If their behavior isn't bothering anyone else in the restaurant, then the wino lady is the real problem.
DAY 4: IT'S A TONE THING
I go way easier on my kids today to make up for the pizza episode. When I find a trail of Goldfish crumbs across the living room, I don't conduct an interrogation; I Dustbust. When Maggie insists on wearing a tutu to the library even though it's 40 degrees outside, I let her wear it stuffed under her coat. I start to actually feel the calm I'm working so hard to project. I even think my kids are more peaceful. When David comes home, I meet him at the door to tell him my progress.
ME: "I didn't yell today! For real!" I shoo the kids upstairs while he raids the refrigerator.
DAVID: "Wow — good for you."
ME: "Kids! I said turn the TV off! Move it!" He sticks his head around the fridge door.
DAVID: "Uh. You're yelling."
ME: "That's not yelling!"
DAVID: "It's kind of yelling."
ME: "This! Isn't yelling! It's how I talk!" David smirks like someone who has just had his point made for him. "How else do I get them to brush their teeth the first dozen times I ask?"
DAVID: "Well, it's not only about decibel level."
ME: "What is it, a tone thing?"
DAVID: "If you notice, I don't really talk to the kids like you do."
ME: "If you notice, you don't really take care of the kids like I do." You can probably guess how the rest of the evening went: not so much volume, lots of "tone."
DAY 5: THAR SHE BLOWS!
Okay. Yesterday I thought I wasn't yelling and maybe I was, but today, I do not yell, in decibel or in tone. I smile and ask nicely, no matter how many times I have to repeat myself. This may be considered success, but I'm so stressed from the effort that I might blow a gasket. Then dinnertime arrives.
"I didn't want ketchup on my hamburger!" Seamus howls. "I wanted it NEXT to my hamburger! It's RUINED, and YOU RUINED IT, MOMMY!" I stand still, gripping the kitchen counter, but it's not working — probably because he can see that Mommy Teapot is about to boil over.
Later my friend AJ tells me, "When one of my kids really gets going, I whip out the camera and tell them I want to capture the moment."
"And they stop whining?!" I ask.
"Sorta," she says. "At least it gives me something to do besides throttling them." Huh. I've been meaning to take more pictures of the kids....
DAY 6: THE SIMPLE TRUTH
My friend Cece calls from Chicago at 9:30 a.m. on Saturday. As soon as I answer the phone, all three of my children start pulling on my pajamas wanting their second breakfast — you know, the one kids demand as soon as you finish dumping out the cereal they didn't eat 20 minutes earlier.
"I will make you French toast, but I'm on the phone," I hiss, and after a few minutes trying to catch up with Cece, crack eggs, and break up three fights, I hang up and tell them how disappointed I am in what I must admit is a slightly raised voice. The rest of the day, I focus mostly on the kids, and things go more smoothly.
Suddenly I realize: multitasking causes yelling. If I don't attempt to do anything besides parent my kids — including getting dressed and using the bathroom — why, I won't have to yell!
DAY 7: AN ALL-NEW MAD MOM
I wake up feeling enlightened. It's like a juice fast: impossible for six days, but suddenly I can do it forever. I marvel at how far I've come, and we have an amazing, sun-dappled day.
The kids are wild after dinner, and it takes me an extra half hour to get them down, but I don't crack. As I settle into the couch for what is, next to my family, the most important thing in my life — an all-new Mad Men — my heart swells with pride. And then Connor appears at my elbow to say, "Mom, I'm not tired."
ME: "Go to bed, buddy."
CONNOR: "But I'm not tired!"
ME: Firmly: "It's an hour past your bedtime!"
CONNOR: "NO! I want another story!"
ME: Getting louder: "No! No story! Mommy is closed!"
CONNOR: "But—"
ME: At full blast: "I'm DONE! Do you hear me? GO TO BED!"
And just like that, I went Betty Draper on him. I made it until 10:15 p.m. But I still failed.
So there you have it: I couldn't stop yelling for a week. But I did yell less. And I realized when and why I do it, and that, okay, it has less to do with the kids' behavior and more with my own moods. I'll probably keep yelling, but I'll also keep trying to stay calm. If the Hulk can turn back into Bruce Banner, there's still hope for me.
Feel free to leave a comment on this thread...
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST IT OVER...
Showing posts with label DAD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DAD. Show all posts
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Lost Custody
Divorce is difficult for both parties involved. I believe there are both great fathers and mothers. I like how this article presents the changing times and the problems with the court systems in regards to child custody; and how to better prepare for a custody hearing.
Working Mother magazine December/January 2010
By: Sally Abrahms
Are more women facing the impossible choice between keeping a career that pays the bills and living with their children? When it comes to heartbreaking custody wars, people inside and outside the courts say that the growing number of stay-at-home dads and breadwinner moms means more working mothers are fighting an unprecedented uphill battle.
Getting ready for court that raw, overcast Monday morning two years ago, Julie Michaud dressed carefully. She chose a warm pink sweater and tailored black skirt, before slipping on her good luck charm, a necklace engraved with her kids’ names. She helped Daniel, 7, and Sophia, 5, get dressed, packed their school snacks and kissed them goodbye. An hour later, the petite brunette walked into a family probate courtroom.
A judge was deciding whether Julie, then 40, the owner of a beauty business in Boston, would get what she’d requested: joint custody of her children. Her husband, Mark, who’d been unemployed for five years, sought primary custody—a shock to Julie. Still, she was feeling confident. She’d worked hard to support her kids and was deeply devoted to them. Her lawyer assured her there was nothing to worry about, and Julie believed her case was strong.
As she surveyed the crowded courtroom, Julie fought to remain steady against a sudden riptide of emotion: The heartbreak of a ten-year marriage in shambles. The fear of not being the one to tuck her kids into bed each night. The anger at her husband for failing to help support them. “I couldn’t work any harder,” Julie says. “I begged him to get a job.” In court papers, Mark, a graphic artist by training, said he had agreed to stay home with the kids so Julie could build her business.
It took hours for the case to be called. Then a female judge flipped through the stacks of paperwork and announced, “There are so many motions here, it would take three hours to get through them all. I’ll give each lawyer three minutes.” Julie was stunned. “I’ll never forget it,” she remembers. “Three minutes!”
Mark’s lawyer argued that because Mark had not worked since their youngest child was 1, his “marketable skills have decreased,” limiting his opportunities to find work.
Julie’s successful career was portrayed as so demanding that she neglected the children. But she felt some relief when the judge admonished Mark for pulling Sophia out of her arms when she’d gone to console their sobbing daughter about their upcoming divorce. “You won’t do that again,” the judge warned. At that moment, Julie felt the case sway in her favor.
Julie was at work two days later when she saw her lawyer’s number flash on the caller ID. This is it, she thought as she picked up the phone. “I have very bad news,” her lawyer began. Julie felt the blood leave her body. “The judge gave Mark temporary primary custody. You get Wednesdays, Fridays and every other Saturday.”
There was more: Julie had to pay $850 a week in child support and $450 a week in spousal support. She stopped listening. All she could think was I’m being punished for supporting my kids, while there’s this guy who refused to work.
Custody cases like Julie’s are increasingly being played out in family courtrooms across the country. A shift in the courts’ focus, a limping economy and dramatic male/female role reversals in many nuclear families are leading to nontraditional outcomes. Not long ago, men usually paid the child support and doled out the alimony. Moms (working or not) almost always got the kids in messy divorce wars. Years of changing diapers, wiping noses and kissing boo-boos gave them the edge. But now the tide is turning.
The “tender years doctrine,” a court presumption that mothers are the more suitable parent for children under 7, was abolished in most states in 1994. And, due in large part to the recession, women are poised to outnumber men in the workforce for the first time in American history. Job layoffs affecting more men than women have yielded a burgeoning crop of Mr. Moms.
“Men are now able to argue that they spend more time with the kids than their working wives do,” says veteran New York City divorce attorney Raoul Felder. “This is one of the dark sides of women’s accomplishments in the workplace—they’re getting a raw deal in custody cases, while men are being viewed more favorably.”
Indeed, Julie sat helpless as Mark’s lawyer argued that he was the one who arranged the playdates, took the kids to the pediatrician and volunteered at their schools.
Affidavits from teachers and neighbors attested to his hands-on involvement in their daily lives. Meanwhile, Julie’s long hours at work meant that people in the community didn’t witness just how much parenting she did out of view. No one saw the lunches she packed every morning, the all-nighters she pulled when the kids were sick. “If I could have done things differently,” Julie says today, “I would have made myself super-visible.”
The Shifting Landscape
There are about 2.2 million moms in this country like Julie, moms who don’t have primary physical custody of their children. And the number of working moms who lose primary custody has been rising steadily. “A mother’s career can be a liability in custody battles,” says Laura Allison Wasser, a Los Angeles–based lawyer who has represented Britney Spears and Kate Hudson in high-profile divorces. “There’s a huge influx of women who have full-time jobs. Judges want to know who the hands-on parent is, who spends more time with the child. I have made that argument myself: ‘Mom’s not home—she’s out working.’”
Today, it’s not uncommon for fathers seeking sole custody in a contested case to prevail at least 50 percent of the time. And Dad is asking for joint or primary custody more and more: Over the past decade, the number of fathers awarded custody of their children has doubled, according to the latest data. In the current generation of dads, gender doesn’t dictate who changes a diaper or consoles an infant. And as fathers become more entrenched in their roles as cocaregiver, they’re less willing to hand off that role when a marriage breaks down. Women are now also shelling out more child support and sometimes paying alimony. Today, one in every four wives earns more than her husband, compared to one in five 20 years ago. “It’s become a whole different ball game,” observes Rhode Island Family Court Judge Howard I. Lipsey.
Faced with time constraints that make it virtually impossible to get to know the families who appear before them, judges rely on certain assumptions. “When a judge sees a mother who’s working longer hours to support her family, the judge will have a harder time awarding her primary custody,” says Randy Kessler, a prominent divorce lawyer in Atlanta and vice chair of the American Bar Association’s Family Law Section.
“If she’s working that hard, the presumption will be that she’s largely absent from her kids’ lives.”
The current climate in family courts is surely worrisome if you’re a working mom weighing the possibility of divorce. Some would argue, however, that it’s fair. After years of favorable bias toward mothers, the custody battlefield has been leveled. A demanding career “is a potential liability for whichever parent is working more outside of the house,” asserts Jeff Atkinson, a professor of law at DePaul University College of Law in Chicago.
But if the custody status for working moms is code yellow today, it may soon ratchet up to code red. There are some 30 million mothers working now, yet economists expect that number to rise as the recession continues to roil unemployment rates. Female-dominated sectors such as education and health care are growing even as male-dominated fields such as finance and construction are being hit hard by layoffs. By mid-2009, men had lost 74 percent of the 6.4 million jobs that disappeared since the recession started. Forced out of the workforce, more dads are enjoying their role as primary caregiver.
Forced into the workforce—or into the primary breadwinner role—more moms are spending increased hours outside the home to pay the bills. Now collateral damage of the recession, will these women ultimately be penalized if it comes to a custody battle?
Kim Voichescu believes the answer is yes. The 35-year-old former civil engineer turned law student has spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to get physical custody of her two teenage sons. “My ex’s attorney questioned my ability to care for my children based on my extensive work schedule,” she says. “During the trial, he called into question my mothering abilities and asked, ‘How could someone who is so career-oriented be a nurturing mother?’ ” After the lawyer raised these doubts about her devotion to her kids, Kim had to ask the court for a break to compose herself. “We supposedly live in a modern age, and yet I had to justify my nurturing abilities because I have a job?”
What we’re seeing is more than a simple role reversal, notes Charlotte Goldberg, a family law professor at Loyola Law School in Los Angeles.
As progressive as we think we are, the courts haven’t fully grasped the many roles of working mothers. “Culturally embedded attitudes and roles are hard to change,” maintains Diana Dale, founder of the Houston-based WorkLife Institute. “Sometimes it takes three or four generations to make the attitude and behavior shifts.”
Today’s working women still face pressure to function in the traditional mother mode—even after a day at the office, says Ken Neumann, PhD, a New York City psychologist and divorce mediator. “Working mothers have a really bad deal because they have to do everything,” he says. “We don’t put that kind of pressure on men except in unusual circumstances.”
What’s a Working Mom to Do?
Struggling to find their footing on this new custody battleground, many women are at a loss. Heartbreaking stories of moms who’ve lost primary physical custody of their kids flood the Internet. Support groups and blogs such as Mothers Without Custody, Mothers Apart from Their Children and the National Association of Non-Custodial Moms
have sprouted up to console and enlighten. Although the process of deciding where a child will live is inherently agonizing, experts agree that there are concrete steps a working mother can take to protect her rights even before a custody battle begins.
Stay out of Court
Though the U.S. divorce rate tends to dip during economic downturns, it continues to hover at 50 percent. Experts estimate that each year, more than a million children experience their parents’ divorce. How to minimize the damage? Family court judges and divorce lawyers say that the smartest move is to avoid the courtroom. “Hash it out on your own,” advises attorney Felder, who’s witnessed the turmoil these cases can cause during his 40 years in practice. Don’t presume that because you couldn’t find a middle ground to save your marriage, you won’t be able to compromise in divorce for the sake of your kids. “Couples often fight over the children because they’re so angry at each other,” says Goldberg, the family law professor. “That’s a huge mistake. They should opt for mediation to work out the custody issues.”
Indeed, the American custody process has spawned a large number of cottage industries—not only mediators but forensic accountants, appraisers, evaluators, psychologists, child custody coaches and law guardians.
“They all feed off the carcasses of people fighting over the kids,” says Felder.
Many of us are looking at custody the wrong way, maintains Barbara Glesner Fines, a noted law professor at the University of Missouri–Kansas City School of Law. “The question shouldn’t be ‘How can I get or win custody?’ but rather ‘How can I make sure this re-formed family will function in a way that is good for the kids?’ Divorce is just the beginning of a lifetime of parenting your children with this other person. You’ve got to make that work.”
That’s what Portland, OR, life coach Lori Chance, 33, did— via mediation and parenting classes that showed her and her now ex-husband how to keep the kids out of the fray. Things got easier when they followed advice to keep the emotion out of the process. “We were told to look at the other parent as our business partner,” she says. “We hammered out an agreement without a judge making the decisions for us.”
Work Together
What Lori was eventually able to see is what many divorcing parents forget, says L.A. attorney Wasser: that your ex can still be your best ally in raising your children. “This is the one other person in the world who cares most about your kids,” she says. “If you can find a way to cooperate, you’ll be able to serve as backup child care for each other, and this will be better for everyone.”
Mental health experts reinforce the importance of two loving parents in a child’s life. New research from Arizona State University (ASU) in Tempe shows that kids rought up with shared custody or spending equal time with both divorced parents are physically healthier as adults than those living primarily with one. Other ASU studies find that the more time a child lives with a parent, the better the child’s long-term relationship is with that parent. “Even in high-conflict families, research shows it’s still better for the children to have a relationship with both parents,” asserts William Fabricius, PhD, a psychology professor at ASU who worked on the studies.
Good to know:
Legal Custody refers to being able to make decisions for the child, such as medical, educational and
living-arrangement decisions.
Physical Custody refers to where the child lives, eats and sleeps.
Working Mother magazine December/January 2010
By: Sally Abrahms
Are more women facing the impossible choice between keeping a career that pays the bills and living with their children? When it comes to heartbreaking custody wars, people inside and outside the courts say that the growing number of stay-at-home dads and breadwinner moms means more working mothers are fighting an unprecedented uphill battle.
Getting ready for court that raw, overcast Monday morning two years ago, Julie Michaud dressed carefully. She chose a warm pink sweater and tailored black skirt, before slipping on her good luck charm, a necklace engraved with her kids’ names. She helped Daniel, 7, and Sophia, 5, get dressed, packed their school snacks and kissed them goodbye. An hour later, the petite brunette walked into a family probate courtroom.
A judge was deciding whether Julie, then 40, the owner of a beauty business in Boston, would get what she’d requested: joint custody of her children. Her husband, Mark, who’d been unemployed for five years, sought primary custody—a shock to Julie. Still, she was feeling confident. She’d worked hard to support her kids and was deeply devoted to them. Her lawyer assured her there was nothing to worry about, and Julie believed her case was strong.
As she surveyed the crowded courtroom, Julie fought to remain steady against a sudden riptide of emotion: The heartbreak of a ten-year marriage in shambles. The fear of not being the one to tuck her kids into bed each night. The anger at her husband for failing to help support them. “I couldn’t work any harder,” Julie says. “I begged him to get a job.” In court papers, Mark, a graphic artist by training, said he had agreed to stay home with the kids so Julie could build her business.
It took hours for the case to be called. Then a female judge flipped through the stacks of paperwork and announced, “There are so many motions here, it would take three hours to get through them all. I’ll give each lawyer three minutes.” Julie was stunned. “I’ll never forget it,” she remembers. “Three minutes!”
Mark’s lawyer argued that because Mark had not worked since their youngest child was 1, his “marketable skills have decreased,” limiting his opportunities to find work.
Julie’s successful career was portrayed as so demanding that she neglected the children. But she felt some relief when the judge admonished Mark for pulling Sophia out of her arms when she’d gone to console their sobbing daughter about their upcoming divorce. “You won’t do that again,” the judge warned. At that moment, Julie felt the case sway in her favor.
Julie was at work two days later when she saw her lawyer’s number flash on the caller ID. This is it, she thought as she picked up the phone. “I have very bad news,” her lawyer began. Julie felt the blood leave her body. “The judge gave Mark temporary primary custody. You get Wednesdays, Fridays and every other Saturday.”
There was more: Julie had to pay $850 a week in child support and $450 a week in spousal support. She stopped listening. All she could think was I’m being punished for supporting my kids, while there’s this guy who refused to work.
Custody cases like Julie’s are increasingly being played out in family courtrooms across the country. A shift in the courts’ focus, a limping economy and dramatic male/female role reversals in many nuclear families are leading to nontraditional outcomes. Not long ago, men usually paid the child support and doled out the alimony. Moms (working or not) almost always got the kids in messy divorce wars. Years of changing diapers, wiping noses and kissing boo-boos gave them the edge. But now the tide is turning.
The “tender years doctrine,” a court presumption that mothers are the more suitable parent for children under 7, was abolished in most states in 1994. And, due in large part to the recession, women are poised to outnumber men in the workforce for the first time in American history. Job layoffs affecting more men than women have yielded a burgeoning crop of Mr. Moms.
“Men are now able to argue that they spend more time with the kids than their working wives do,” says veteran New York City divorce attorney Raoul Felder. “This is one of the dark sides of women’s accomplishments in the workplace—they’re getting a raw deal in custody cases, while men are being viewed more favorably.”
Indeed, Julie sat helpless as Mark’s lawyer argued that he was the one who arranged the playdates, took the kids to the pediatrician and volunteered at their schools.
Affidavits from teachers and neighbors attested to his hands-on involvement in their daily lives. Meanwhile, Julie’s long hours at work meant that people in the community didn’t witness just how much parenting she did out of view. No one saw the lunches she packed every morning, the all-nighters she pulled when the kids were sick. “If I could have done things differently,” Julie says today, “I would have made myself super-visible.”
The Shifting Landscape
There are about 2.2 million moms in this country like Julie, moms who don’t have primary physical custody of their children. And the number of working moms who lose primary custody has been rising steadily. “A mother’s career can be a liability in custody battles,” says Laura Allison Wasser, a Los Angeles–based lawyer who has represented Britney Spears and Kate Hudson in high-profile divorces. “There’s a huge influx of women who have full-time jobs. Judges want to know who the hands-on parent is, who spends more time with the child. I have made that argument myself: ‘Mom’s not home—she’s out working.’”
Today, it’s not uncommon for fathers seeking sole custody in a contested case to prevail at least 50 percent of the time. And Dad is asking for joint or primary custody more and more: Over the past decade, the number of fathers awarded custody of their children has doubled, according to the latest data. In the current generation of dads, gender doesn’t dictate who changes a diaper or consoles an infant. And as fathers become more entrenched in their roles as cocaregiver, they’re less willing to hand off that role when a marriage breaks down. Women are now also shelling out more child support and sometimes paying alimony. Today, one in every four wives earns more than her husband, compared to one in five 20 years ago. “It’s become a whole different ball game,” observes Rhode Island Family Court Judge Howard I. Lipsey.
Faced with time constraints that make it virtually impossible to get to know the families who appear before them, judges rely on certain assumptions. “When a judge sees a mother who’s working longer hours to support her family, the judge will have a harder time awarding her primary custody,” says Randy Kessler, a prominent divorce lawyer in Atlanta and vice chair of the American Bar Association’s Family Law Section.
“If she’s working that hard, the presumption will be that she’s largely absent from her kids’ lives.”
The current climate in family courts is surely worrisome if you’re a working mom weighing the possibility of divorce. Some would argue, however, that it’s fair. After years of favorable bias toward mothers, the custody battlefield has been leveled. A demanding career “is a potential liability for whichever parent is working more outside of the house,” asserts Jeff Atkinson, a professor of law at DePaul University College of Law in Chicago.
But if the custody status for working moms is code yellow today, it may soon ratchet up to code red. There are some 30 million mothers working now, yet economists expect that number to rise as the recession continues to roil unemployment rates. Female-dominated sectors such as education and health care are growing even as male-dominated fields such as finance and construction are being hit hard by layoffs. By mid-2009, men had lost 74 percent of the 6.4 million jobs that disappeared since the recession started. Forced out of the workforce, more dads are enjoying their role as primary caregiver.
Forced into the workforce—or into the primary breadwinner role—more moms are spending increased hours outside the home to pay the bills. Now collateral damage of the recession, will these women ultimately be penalized if it comes to a custody battle?
Kim Voichescu believes the answer is yes. The 35-year-old former civil engineer turned law student has spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to get physical custody of her two teenage sons. “My ex’s attorney questioned my ability to care for my children based on my extensive work schedule,” she says. “During the trial, he called into question my mothering abilities and asked, ‘How could someone who is so career-oriented be a nurturing mother?’ ” After the lawyer raised these doubts about her devotion to her kids, Kim had to ask the court for a break to compose herself. “We supposedly live in a modern age, and yet I had to justify my nurturing abilities because I have a job?”
What we’re seeing is more than a simple role reversal, notes Charlotte Goldberg, a family law professor at Loyola Law School in Los Angeles.
As progressive as we think we are, the courts haven’t fully grasped the many roles of working mothers. “Culturally embedded attitudes and roles are hard to change,” maintains Diana Dale, founder of the Houston-based WorkLife Institute. “Sometimes it takes three or four generations to make the attitude and behavior shifts.”
Today’s working women still face pressure to function in the traditional mother mode—even after a day at the office, says Ken Neumann, PhD, a New York City psychologist and divorce mediator. “Working mothers have a really bad deal because they have to do everything,” he says. “We don’t put that kind of pressure on men except in unusual circumstances.”
What’s a Working Mom to Do?
Struggling to find their footing on this new custody battleground, many women are at a loss. Heartbreaking stories of moms who’ve lost primary physical custody of their kids flood the Internet. Support groups and blogs such as Mothers Without Custody, Mothers Apart from Their Children and the National Association of Non-Custodial Moms
have sprouted up to console and enlighten. Although the process of deciding where a child will live is inherently agonizing, experts agree that there are concrete steps a working mother can take to protect her rights even before a custody battle begins.
Stay out of Court
Though the U.S. divorce rate tends to dip during economic downturns, it continues to hover at 50 percent. Experts estimate that each year, more than a million children experience their parents’ divorce. How to minimize the damage? Family court judges and divorce lawyers say that the smartest move is to avoid the courtroom. “Hash it out on your own,” advises attorney Felder, who’s witnessed the turmoil these cases can cause during his 40 years in practice. Don’t presume that because you couldn’t find a middle ground to save your marriage, you won’t be able to compromise in divorce for the sake of your kids. “Couples often fight over the children because they’re so angry at each other,” says Goldberg, the family law professor. “That’s a huge mistake. They should opt for mediation to work out the custody issues.”
Indeed, the American custody process has spawned a large number of cottage industries—not only mediators but forensic accountants, appraisers, evaluators, psychologists, child custody coaches and law guardians.
“They all feed off the carcasses of people fighting over the kids,” says Felder.
Many of us are looking at custody the wrong way, maintains Barbara Glesner Fines, a noted law professor at the University of Missouri–Kansas City School of Law. “The question shouldn’t be ‘How can I get or win custody?’ but rather ‘How can I make sure this re-formed family will function in a way that is good for the kids?’ Divorce is just the beginning of a lifetime of parenting your children with this other person. You’ve got to make that work.”
That’s what Portland, OR, life coach Lori Chance, 33, did— via mediation and parenting classes that showed her and her now ex-husband how to keep the kids out of the fray. Things got easier when they followed advice to keep the emotion out of the process. “We were told to look at the other parent as our business partner,” she says. “We hammered out an agreement without a judge making the decisions for us.”
Work Together
What Lori was eventually able to see is what many divorcing parents forget, says L.A. attorney Wasser: that your ex can still be your best ally in raising your children. “This is the one other person in the world who cares most about your kids,” she says. “If you can find a way to cooperate, you’ll be able to serve as backup child care for each other, and this will be better for everyone.”
Mental health experts reinforce the importance of two loving parents in a child’s life. New research from Arizona State University (ASU) in Tempe shows that kids rought up with shared custody or spending equal time with both divorced parents are physically healthier as adults than those living primarily with one. Other ASU studies find that the more time a child lives with a parent, the better the child’s long-term relationship is with that parent. “Even in high-conflict families, research shows it’s still better for the children to have a relationship with both parents,” asserts William Fabricius, PhD, a psychology professor at ASU who worked on the studies.
Good to know:
Legal Custody refers to being able to make decisions for the child, such as medical, educational and
living-arrangement decisions.
Physical Custody refers to where the child lives, eats and sleeps.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mean Moms Article
This is a great article for moms, dads, and families from Good Housekeeping, October 2009. Many parents feel they are doing something wrong or should be nicer to their children when they say things like "Mom, I Hate You!" However, I agree with the article (as a teacher and parent), you are actually doing something right. Of course, it doesn't make being a parent any easier. Please enjoy the article.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Role Reversals in the Family
I found an articles that address the changing roles in our families regarding parenting, work and money in the United States.
The first one is in "Working Mother" magazine from Feb/Mar 2010
By: Sara Eckel, Illustration: Aaron Goodman
Amid bruised egos, resentments and confusion, families are struggling to find their footing as they cope with the financial, emotional and who-does-the-dishes-now restructuring of their lives brought on by the recession.
On a cold, rainy November morning, Christine Fruehwirth’s 5-year-old son showed up at preschool without a coat—or even a sweater. “The sweater was dirty,” says Christine’s husband, John. He also had taken their 7-year-old daughter out to run errands in the ballerina pajamas she’d slept in. “I didn’t know. I thought it was an outfit,” John says of the wardrobe mishap, one of several that have occurred since he took over many of the household and child-care duties two years ago. That’s when he lost his job as the managing director of a Washington, DC, private equity firm. To support their family of five, Christine began working part-time as a career consultant for George Washington University in addition to the career-coaching business she was already running out of their home.
Like many families coping with the turmoil brought on by the recession, the Fruehwirths have been fumbling to find their footing now that the roles of family breadwinner and household caretaker have been shuffled around. Though Christine, 40, had planned to work while her three kids were young, she was thinking one job, not two. But now she says, “Maybe this was meant to be.” She’s appreciating the chance to further develop her professional life. And although John is adamant that he’s not a stay-at-home dad—he’s developing a private equity company he purchased with his severance pay—he’s enjoying extra time with the kids now that he’s the one taking them to and from school and helping them with homework.
With job loss comes heightened anxiety, as well as recast parental and household duties, causing a major upheaval in many families. Working moms are increasingly logging extra hours in the office—and spending more time away from their children—while more men are finding themselves without an office to go to. Getting the bills paid and cutting back on nonessential spending is a strain for sure. Yet for many, the greatest challenge hasn’t been financial; it’s been psychological. Amid all the changes, moms and dads are trying to adjust not only to new daily schedules but also to bruised egos and growing resentments.
We talked to couples about how their families are coping with this shift—and learned what they’re doing to keep the peace.
Shattered Self-Esteem
After Stefania Sorace Smith’s husband lost his security job last May, she landed a higher-paying position in her profession, as the residential programmer at a home for mentally disabled people. But she also doubled her commuting time, and her workweek soared to 60 hours from 40—a particular strain since she’s now pregnant with the couple’s second child. Even with her higher salary and the part-time work her husband, Darren, has secured, the Dingman’s Ferry, PA, couple has not made up the lost income. Now charged with the family’s financial security, Stefania, 26, is more stressed than ever. “Bills definitely get behind,” she says, adding that she sometimes plays “Russian roulette” with her checkbook by alternating which bills she pays—and which she skips—each month. At home, Darren is doing more of the basic cleaning, and he makes their 2-year-old daughter breakfast and prepares dinner for the family—but the major scrub work still falls to Stefania because he “just doesn’t do it the way I want it done,” she says.
For Stefania, one of the biggest disparities in this new structure is free time. She spends most of her day working and commuting. Darren—while doing handyman work and pitching in with the household chores—still spends a fair amount of time playing Flight Simulator on his computer. “This transition has been tough,” he says. “I started building houses when I was twelve. I’m used to working ninety hours a week. All I ever did was work.” Though he’s enjoying the time he spends with his daughter, he feels unproductive. “It’s difficult to go from self-sufficient to depending on someone, but we’re making it work,” he says. “It is what it is.”
The ego blow of job loss leaves many men unable to find fulfillment in their new role. In the months after Ron Mattocks was laid off two years ago, he admits, he had a tough time transitioning from his former life as a vice president of sales for a major homebuilder to Daddy Day Care. “I was an officer in the army and then an executive in the corporate world.
Suddenly, I’m packing lunches and making sure the kids have everything in their backpacks. My entire self-image pretty much got shattered,” says Ron, 37, from Houston. “I had to really rethink myself, and that’s been a long, discouraging process.” He misses the external validation he got through his work—the backslapping for a job well done—and is struggling to find that same sense of confidence internally. It has helped, however, to see his wife, Ashley, gain confidence in her career. “Though I don’t bring value to the family the way I used to, my role is important,” he says.
Why Men Don’t Do Windows
Wives should be mindful of the fact that a recently unemployed husband is in a fragile emotional state, says Ellen Ostrow, PhD, a psychologist who works with professional women reentering the workforce. “The psychological impact is enormous,” she says. This is one reason many men don’t automatically start picking up the scrub brush after a job loss. According to the 2008 American Time Use Survey released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, unemployed women spend almost six hours a day on child care and household chores like cleaning and cooking, while unemployed men spend only three hours a day on such tasks—and also spend more than four hours a day watching television.
Often men with a very traditional view of gender roles will refuse to do housework, as a way to gain control, says Stephanie Coontz, who teaches history and family studies at The Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA. “They think that they have to compensate for their loss of masculinity by asserting masculine privilege in other ways.”
But the reasoning may be even more subtle than that. Jeremy Adam Smith, author of The Daddy Shift, suggests that most men simply don’t see housework and child care as a vocation that could give them a sense of identity and pride, as many women do. “For a lot of women who lose their job, a pathway presents itself,” he says. “They decide, ‘I’m a stay-at-home mom. My job now is to take care of the home and kids, and I’m going to be good at that.’ But for many fathers, that pathway doesn’t exist in any well-developed way.”
Teaching the Basics
However understandable this aversion to scouring bathtubs and laying out school clothes may be, the fact remains that the work needs to be done.
Click here to read more from the article
The first one is in "Working Mother" magazine from Feb/Mar 2010
By: Sara Eckel, Illustration: Aaron Goodman
Amid bruised egos, resentments and confusion, families are struggling to find their footing as they cope with the financial, emotional and who-does-the-dishes-now restructuring of their lives brought on by the recession.
On a cold, rainy November morning, Christine Fruehwirth’s 5-year-old son showed up at preschool without a coat—or even a sweater. “The sweater was dirty,” says Christine’s husband, John. He also had taken their 7-year-old daughter out to run errands in the ballerina pajamas she’d slept in. “I didn’t know. I thought it was an outfit,” John says of the wardrobe mishap, one of several that have occurred since he took over many of the household and child-care duties two years ago. That’s when he lost his job as the managing director of a Washington, DC, private equity firm. To support their family of five, Christine began working part-time as a career consultant for George Washington University in addition to the career-coaching business she was already running out of their home.
Like many families coping with the turmoil brought on by the recession, the Fruehwirths have been fumbling to find their footing now that the roles of family breadwinner and household caretaker have been shuffled around. Though Christine, 40, had planned to work while her three kids were young, she was thinking one job, not two. But now she says, “Maybe this was meant to be.” She’s appreciating the chance to further develop her professional life. And although John is adamant that he’s not a stay-at-home dad—he’s developing a private equity company he purchased with his severance pay—he’s enjoying extra time with the kids now that he’s the one taking them to and from school and helping them with homework.
With job loss comes heightened anxiety, as well as recast parental and household duties, causing a major upheaval in many families. Working moms are increasingly logging extra hours in the office—and spending more time away from their children—while more men are finding themselves without an office to go to. Getting the bills paid and cutting back on nonessential spending is a strain for sure. Yet for many, the greatest challenge hasn’t been financial; it’s been psychological. Amid all the changes, moms and dads are trying to adjust not only to new daily schedules but also to bruised egos and growing resentments.
We talked to couples about how their families are coping with this shift—and learned what they’re doing to keep the peace.
Shattered Self-Esteem
After Stefania Sorace Smith’s husband lost his security job last May, she landed a higher-paying position in her profession, as the residential programmer at a home for mentally disabled people. But she also doubled her commuting time, and her workweek soared to 60 hours from 40—a particular strain since she’s now pregnant with the couple’s second child. Even with her higher salary and the part-time work her husband, Darren, has secured, the Dingman’s Ferry, PA, couple has not made up the lost income. Now charged with the family’s financial security, Stefania, 26, is more stressed than ever. “Bills definitely get behind,” she says, adding that she sometimes plays “Russian roulette” with her checkbook by alternating which bills she pays—and which she skips—each month. At home, Darren is doing more of the basic cleaning, and he makes their 2-year-old daughter breakfast and prepares dinner for the family—but the major scrub work still falls to Stefania because he “just doesn’t do it the way I want it done,” she says.
For Stefania, one of the biggest disparities in this new structure is free time. She spends most of her day working and commuting. Darren—while doing handyman work and pitching in with the household chores—still spends a fair amount of time playing Flight Simulator on his computer. “This transition has been tough,” he says. “I started building houses when I was twelve. I’m used to working ninety hours a week. All I ever did was work.” Though he’s enjoying the time he spends with his daughter, he feels unproductive. “It’s difficult to go from self-sufficient to depending on someone, but we’re making it work,” he says. “It is what it is.”
The ego blow of job loss leaves many men unable to find fulfillment in their new role. In the months after Ron Mattocks was laid off two years ago, he admits, he had a tough time transitioning from his former life as a vice president of sales for a major homebuilder to Daddy Day Care. “I was an officer in the army and then an executive in the corporate world.
Suddenly, I’m packing lunches and making sure the kids have everything in their backpacks. My entire self-image pretty much got shattered,” says Ron, 37, from Houston. “I had to really rethink myself, and that’s been a long, discouraging process.” He misses the external validation he got through his work—the backslapping for a job well done—and is struggling to find that same sense of confidence internally. It has helped, however, to see his wife, Ashley, gain confidence in her career. “Though I don’t bring value to the family the way I used to, my role is important,” he says.
Why Men Don’t Do Windows
Wives should be mindful of the fact that a recently unemployed husband is in a fragile emotional state, says Ellen Ostrow, PhD, a psychologist who works with professional women reentering the workforce. “The psychological impact is enormous,” she says. This is one reason many men don’t automatically start picking up the scrub brush after a job loss. According to the 2008 American Time Use Survey released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, unemployed women spend almost six hours a day on child care and household chores like cleaning and cooking, while unemployed men spend only three hours a day on such tasks—and also spend more than four hours a day watching television.
Often men with a very traditional view of gender roles will refuse to do housework, as a way to gain control, says Stephanie Coontz, who teaches history and family studies at The Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA. “They think that they have to compensate for their loss of masculinity by asserting masculine privilege in other ways.”
But the reasoning may be even more subtle than that. Jeremy Adam Smith, author of The Daddy Shift, suggests that most men simply don’t see housework and child care as a vocation that could give them a sense of identity and pride, as many women do. “For a lot of women who lose their job, a pathway presents itself,” he says. “They decide, ‘I’m a stay-at-home mom. My job now is to take care of the home and kids, and I’m going to be good at that.’ But for many fathers, that pathway doesn’t exist in any well-developed way.”
Teaching the Basics
However understandable this aversion to scouring bathtubs and laying out school clothes may be, the fact remains that the work needs to be done.
Click here to read more from the article
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Books for Mothers to Be or Young Moms
There are many books on pregnancy and the growing years of your baby. Here are the books I found helpful for myself and recommend to other moms or moms-to-be.
Pregnancy
The Pregnancy Countdown:Nine Months of Practical Tips, Useful Advice, and Uncensored Truths by Susna Magee. This is my second pregnancy and I'm enjoying just as much as I did the first time around. It's a small book with a couple of pages for each week of your pregnancy of practical tips, advice, and information about your baby, you and preparing for your baby. Here is an example of some humorous advice in week 26:
New Moms
Being a Calm Mom.How to Manage Stress and Enjoy the First Year of Motherhood, by Deborah Roth Ledley. If you are having anxiety or depression or just plain nervous about being a new mom (like I was), this book was recommended me to and helped to alleviate some of my personal fears.
The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Harvey Karp. This book and DVD were recommended by my Pediatrician as well. Here is a short explanation of the book from Amazon.
The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old, by Harvey Karp. We haven't viewed the DVD yet, but Dr. Karp explanation of how the toddler's brain works and how to talk to them makes a lot of sense. Learning to speak "toddler-ese" takes practice, but has helped us with communicating with our 20 month old son and I feel it has alleviated many tantrums.
More Books to come...
Pregnancy
The Pregnancy Countdown:Nine Months of Practical Tips, Useful Advice, and Uncensored Truths by Susna Magee. This is my second pregnancy and I'm enjoying just as much as I did the first time around. It's a small book with a couple of pages for each week of your pregnancy of practical tips, advice, and information about your baby, you and preparing for your baby. Here is an example of some humorous advice in week 26:
how to respond to comments at the gym..."are you sure you should be doing that in your condition?" or "Have you asked your doctor if that's safe?" Your response, "What condition?" and "I am a doctor." How to respond with raging hormones..."when are you do?" Your response, look at your watch, "any second now."... "Wow, you're huge!" Your response, "Yep, I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?"Of course there are more serious comments as well describing your baby or the changes in your body.
New Moms
Being a Calm Mom.How to Manage Stress and Enjoy the First Year of Motherhood, by Deborah Roth Ledley. If you are having anxiety or depression or just plain nervous about being a new mom (like I was), this book was recommended me to and helped to alleviate some of my personal fears.
The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Harvey Karp. This book and DVD were recommended by my Pediatrician as well. Here is a short explanation of the book from Amazon.
Learn about swaddling, side/stomach position, shhh sounds, swinging and sucking. The book includes detailed advice on the proper way to swaddle a child, the difference between a gentle rocking versus shaking and more.This book helped my husband and I out a lot when it came to calming our son on his bad nights. If you don't understand or believe his theories when you read the book, then watch the video. He shows his techniques on real patients. There are also links in the back of the book for finding his website or classes near to you that can also review the techniques with you and your baby. My husband and I attended the class and received the DVD as part of the class price.
The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old, by Harvey Karp. We haven't viewed the DVD yet, but Dr. Karp explanation of how the toddler's brain works and how to talk to them makes a lot of sense. Learning to speak "toddler-ese" takes practice, but has helped us with communicating with our 20 month old son and I feel it has alleviated many tantrums.
More Books to come...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The middle-of-the-night survival kit
The middle-of-the-night survival kit (By Laura Flynn McCarthy, Parenting.com
My husband and I make sure we have several stockpiles: one in our baby backpack, one set for each grandparents house since we visit them both often, and one set at home.
A little preparation can go a long way toward making those 2 A.M. sick calls easier. Some things to have on hand:
In the medicine chest...
* Pain and fever relievers. Stock both children's ibuprofen and children's acetaminophen (or the infant formulations for kids under 2) and jot down the correct dose for each approved by your doctor.
* A children's antihistamine and cortisone cream (with doctor-approved instructions)
* Saline nose drops or spray
* Nasal aspirator
* Medicine dropper
* Prescription pain-relief eardrops (if your child is prone to infections)
* Petroleum jelly
* Digital thermometer
The middle-of-the-night survival kit
My husband and I make sure we have several stockpiles: one in our baby backpack, one set for each grandparents house since we visit them both often, and one set at home.
A little preparation can go a long way toward making those 2 A.M. sick calls easier. Some things to have on hand:
In the medicine chest...
* Pain and fever relievers. Stock both children's ibuprofen and children's acetaminophen (or the infant formulations for kids under 2) and jot down the correct dose for each approved by your doctor.
* A children's antihistamine and cortisone cream (with doctor-approved instructions)
* Saline nose drops or spray
* Nasal aspirator
* Medicine dropper
* Prescription pain-relief eardrops (if your child is prone to infections)
* Petroleum jelly
* Digital thermometer
The middle-of-the-night survival kit
Why Kids Get Sicker at Night-Parenting.com
I found this article very enlightening as a parent. Read on...
It started around 1 A.M. My son, Liam, was 14 months old, and the noises coming from his room didn't seem completely human: There was a sort of honking bark followed by a whistle-y kind of breathing. I ran into his room, my heart racing with worry, and I found him sitting up in his crib, looking scared and tired. I picked him up, took his temperature -- no fever -- and called the doctor. "It sounds like croup," the doctor said. "Wrap him up in a warm blanket, sit outside with him, and call me back if his cough and breathing don't improve in ten minutes." Huh? This was early spring in New Hampshire. Sit outside?
It had to be worth a shot. I wrapped Liam up so that only his frightened little face was exposed, put on my winter coat, and stepped onto our screened-in porch. We sat on the rocking chair, moving back and forth, looking at the stars, and listening to the croaking tree frogs. Within 15 minutes his throat gradually, miraculously cleared. The coughing stopped, his breathing sounded normal, and believe it or not, he had fallen back to sleep.
In the meantime, my husband had set up a modern version of outdoor night air -- a cool-mist humidifier -- in Liam's room. I put him back in his crib, and he slept through the night. I, on the other hand, kept checking in on him every hour or so, but that's what mothers do.
Sickness never comes at a convenient time, but when your child awakens in the middle of the night with distressing symptoms, chaos often follows. Everyone is half asleep and not thinking clearly. The doctor's office is closed, and you don't know whether you should call and wake him or try to deal with the ailment yourself. Let's relieve some of the stress of that decision right now: Anytime you think your child's health may be in serious danger -- for instance, he has a high fever and is acting poorly, has trouble breathing, has a strange rash, or is having a seizure -- call your doctor (or 911) immediately. And almost any symptom in a baby under 4 months old merits an immediate call to the doctor, no matter the time.
So what are you supposed to do the other 97 percent of the time when your child wakes up at 2 A.M. worse off than when he went to bed? Symptoms of many children's illnesses routinely worsen at night, and though there's nothing life-threatening about them, they can make your child miserable. Fortunately, with a little planning and the help of our middle-of-the-night health guide, you'll have what you need to get your kid (and you!) feeling better by morning.
Asthma and allergies
why they're worse at night: If your child has asthma or certain allergies, you're probably all too familiar with the challenges of helping her through the wee hours. There are many factors at play: "The body's level of cortisol drops at night, and cortisol has some preventive effects on asthma," says Santiago Martinez, M.D., pediatric allergist and clinical assistant professor of medicine at Florida State University Medical School in Tallahassee. Plus, the levels of histamine rise, aggravating many allergy and asthma symptoms. And finally, some allergens, such as dust mites and pet dander, may be more prevalent in a child's room, increasing her exposure while she sleeps.
what to do: If your child has an allergy attack at night, an antihistamine should quell her symptoms (ask your doctor for the best one to have on hand for your child). Should you find that her attacks are frequent and occur year-round, you may want to consider immunotherapy shots, which introduce tiny amounts of the allergen into the body, slowly allowing immunity to build.
Got an asthmatic? You know what to stock: a bronchodilator, which immediately opens the airways; a peak flow meter to monitor your child's breathing; and preventive medications such as leukotriene inhibitors or inhaled steroid medications, which work to keep inflammation in check long-term.
"If your child is having more than two flare-ups of asthma a week -- whether it's just a chronic dry cough or wheezing -- or if she's not responding well to the bronchodilators, her condition is not well controlled and she should be reevaluated by a doctor," says Dr. Martinez. "Virtually everyone can get their asthma under control if it is diagnosed and treated early. In some cases, asthma and allergies may just be seasonal problems, and treatment can be stepped up or reduced, depending on the need."
Preventive steps to reduce the allergens can go a long way, too. That may mean keeping your child's windows closed, banning Fluffy and Fido from her room, and encasing her bedding in allergy-proof covers. You can also consider using HEPA filters in your vacuum and a HEPA air filter -- these are designed to trap the minuscule particles that can aggravate symptoms.
Croup
why it's worse at night: This barking-seal cough is usually the result of a viral infection that has settled in the upper airway and voice box, and typically strikes while the child has a cold. Because it causes swelling of the vocal cords, the cough also may be accompanied by noisy, rapid breathing. Croup is almost always at its worst at night, partly because blood flow to the respiratory tract changes when a child lies down. Plus, dry air can aggravate it.
what to do: "Begin by giving your child a dose of children's ibuprofen to reduce the severity of the swelling in his airways and relieve the discomfort," says Andrea Leeds, M.D., a pediatrician in Bellmore, New York, and a member of the committee on practice and ambulatory medicine for the American Academy of Pediatrics. (If your child is younger than 12 months, skip ibuprofen unless your doctor has already given you the okay to use it.) "Then strip him down to his diaper or underpants, turn on the shower full blast, and sit in the steamy bathroom with him for fifteen minutes." After that -- and this is the most important part, says Dr. Leeds -- dress him, wrap him up in a blanket, and take him outside in the cool night air (or, if it's summertime, hold him in front of the open freezer door or an air conditioner for at least five minutes). The steam relaxes the airways and vocal cords, while the cold air reduces the swelling; this combination often controls symptoms until the next day, when you can go to the doctor. (Like my doctor, yours may recommend one strategy or the other; if you notice a clear improvement, as we did with just the cold air, it's usually fine to stop there.)
Earache
why it's worse at night: Whether the infection is in the middle ear or in the ear canal (also called swimmer's ear), these puppies can hurt. Lying down increases the collection of fluid and puts extra pressure on the inflamed tissue.
what to do: Ibuprofen (for kids older than 12 months) or acetaminophen can help relieve the ache, but you can also try this remedy for severe pain from middle ear infections: "Heat a tablespoon of olive oil in the microwave so it's warm -- but not hot -- to your touch," says Dr. Leeds. "Put two to three drops of the warm oil in your child's affected ear. It relaxes the membranes and brings almost instant relief." Applying a warm, damp washcloth to your child's ear also can help. Either way, it's smart to check in with your doctor in the morning; your child may need an antibiotic to clear the infection if it's not improving on its own (as many do). If your child is prone to them, ask about getting prescription eardrops to numb the pain next time around.
Fever
why it's worse at night: Body temperature rises naturally in the evening, so a fever that was slight during the day can easily spike during sleep.
what to do: First, take your child's temperature (do it rectally if she's under 6 months old -- and, ideally, for as long as she'll allow this method). Any fever above 100.4°F in an infant under 3 months warrants an immediate call to the doctor. Same goes for an elevated temp in any child that's accompanied by lethargy, vomiting, diarrhea, stiff neck, or an unusual rash.
Otherwise, try a dose of acetaminophen, wait half an hour, and check the temperature again, says Dr. Leeds. "If it hasn't begun to come down and she's older than a year, give your child some ibuprofen, too," she adds. "You can use these medications together, separated by half an hour. Just remember that acetaminophen can be given every four hours, and ibuprofen can be given every six to eight hours." (Write down the time of each dose to help you keep track.) In the meantime -- and if you're not too delirious -- you can give your child a room-temperature bath to help cool her down. And definitely help her stay hydrated by offering some water (or formula or breast milk if she's a baby) before she goes back to sleep. Call the doctor in the morning to check in; she may want you to bring your child in.
Itchy skin
why it's worse at night: When your child is lying still, it's a whole lot easier to focus on the itchiness, whether it's due to poison ivy, bug bites, eczema, or even sunburn. And if the itchy skin is rooted in some kind of allergy, you've got the higher nighttime levels of histamines to thank.
what to do: Take some advice from Tyler Bingham of Lynn Haven, Florida, whose 4-year-old daughter has eczema. "Katie's skin is always itchier at night," says Bingham. "So before she goes to bed, we use a moisturizing body wash, then I'll massage a dry-skin lotion, usually one from Aveeno, onto her legs, where her eczema is the worst. The massage calms her and the lotion soothes. If need be, I also run a cool-mist humidifier in her room to keep the air moist."
Dealing with an allergic rash or lots of bites? An antihistamine can bring relief. A topical cortisone cream can help as well, but again, avoid using this type of product before you have specific instructions from your ped.
Stuffy nose
why it's worse at night: Too bad kids can't sleep standing up like horses -- then their nasal passages wouldn't swell more when they sleep!
what to do: For immediate relief, use saline nose drops or spray. Both will moisten the membranes and loosen the secretions, making it easier for your child to blow out the mucus, or for you to remove it with a bulb syringe if you have a baby. "My nine-month-old, Hamza, hated the bulb syringe whenever I used it on him," says Diana Malikyar, who lives in Stone Mountain, Georgia. "But then I laid him down in front of the bathroom mirror so he could watch me doing it. Once it stopped taking him by surprise, he was very willing to let me use it."
You may be tempted to offer your child a decongestant, but they're no longer recommended for kids under 2, and many doctors advise against giving them to older kids. There's no evidence that they work, and some that they could cause harm. And unless you're positive the stuffiness is due to allergies, steer clear of antihistamines, too.
Vomiting
why it's worse at night: It's not that kids are necessarily more likely to throw up at night; it's more that it feels about ten times worse because you usually end up having to change bedsheets, clean up rugs, change and wash pajamas -- all when you're bone tired. Then you have to worry that it could happen again. (Oh, and it's pretty awful for your kid.)
what to do: First, make sure your child isn't throwing up anything green or bloody; if he is, call the doctor, as this could indicate a more serious condition. Same goes for vomiting accompanied by pain in the lower right side of the abdomen. If it's just run-of-the-mill vomiting, do your best to clean up and calm down your child. Comfort him with a cool, wet washcloth on his forehead and face, then let him go back to sleep, with a plastic bowl or other container by his bed in case he feels sick again. If he's still awake an hour later but hasn't vomited again, try giving him small sips of flat cola or ginger ale, if you have it. "You can also try opening up a can of pears or peaches and giving the child one tablespoon of the syrup inside every fifteen minutes," says Philip Itkin, M.D., clinical associate professor of pediatrics at the University of Nebraska Medical College in Omaha. "It really helps settle the stomach and keeps him hydrated." An ice pop is a good alternative, too.
Elisa Pollack Kandel is no stranger to middle-of-the-night vomit sessions. "My four-year-old daughter has a weak stomach, and one night she threw up a grand total of fourteen times, beginning at three A.M.," says Kandel, who lives in Merrick, New York. "Since then, I've learned to keep hand towels in her night-table drawer and a plastic wastepaper basket by her bed. Plus, the minute I hear her cough at night, I run in and pull back the top sheet and comforter. It really cuts down on the laundry! And whenever pillows go on sale, I buy a couple." Now that's what we call prepared.
Here is most of the article. Click on the link for full details.
It started around 1 A.M. My son, Liam, was 14 months old, and the noises coming from his room didn't seem completely human: There was a sort of honking bark followed by a whistle-y kind of breathing. I ran into his room, my heart racing with worry, and I found him sitting up in his crib, looking scared and tired. I picked him up, took his temperature -- no fever -- and called the doctor. "It sounds like croup," the doctor said. "Wrap him up in a warm blanket, sit outside with him, and call me back if his cough and breathing don't improve in ten minutes." Huh? This was early spring in New Hampshire. Sit outside?
It had to be worth a shot. I wrapped Liam up so that only his frightened little face was exposed, put on my winter coat, and stepped onto our screened-in porch. We sat on the rocking chair, moving back and forth, looking at the stars, and listening to the croaking tree frogs. Within 15 minutes his throat gradually, miraculously cleared. The coughing stopped, his breathing sounded normal, and believe it or not, he had fallen back to sleep.
In the meantime, my husband had set up a modern version of outdoor night air -- a cool-mist humidifier -- in Liam's room. I put him back in his crib, and he slept through the night. I, on the other hand, kept checking in on him every hour or so, but that's what mothers do.
Sickness never comes at a convenient time, but when your child awakens in the middle of the night with distressing symptoms, chaos often follows. Everyone is half asleep and not thinking clearly. The doctor's office is closed, and you don't know whether you should call and wake him or try to deal with the ailment yourself. Let's relieve some of the stress of that decision right now: Anytime you think your child's health may be in serious danger -- for instance, he has a high fever and is acting poorly, has trouble breathing, has a strange rash, or is having a seizure -- call your doctor (or 911) immediately. And almost any symptom in a baby under 4 months old merits an immediate call to the doctor, no matter the time.
So what are you supposed to do the other 97 percent of the time when your child wakes up at 2 A.M. worse off than when he went to bed? Symptoms of many children's illnesses routinely worsen at night, and though there's nothing life-threatening about them, they can make your child miserable. Fortunately, with a little planning and the help of our middle-of-the-night health guide, you'll have what you need to get your kid (and you!) feeling better by morning.
Asthma and allergies
why they're worse at night: If your child has asthma or certain allergies, you're probably all too familiar with the challenges of helping her through the wee hours. There are many factors at play: "The body's level of cortisol drops at night, and cortisol has some preventive effects on asthma," says Santiago Martinez, M.D., pediatric allergist and clinical assistant professor of medicine at Florida State University Medical School in Tallahassee. Plus, the levels of histamine rise, aggravating many allergy and asthma symptoms. And finally, some allergens, such as dust mites and pet dander, may be more prevalent in a child's room, increasing her exposure while she sleeps.
what to do: If your child has an allergy attack at night, an antihistamine should quell her symptoms (ask your doctor for the best one to have on hand for your child). Should you find that her attacks are frequent and occur year-round, you may want to consider immunotherapy shots, which introduce tiny amounts of the allergen into the body, slowly allowing immunity to build.
Got an asthmatic? You know what to stock: a bronchodilator, which immediately opens the airways; a peak flow meter to monitor your child's breathing; and preventive medications such as leukotriene inhibitors or inhaled steroid medications, which work to keep inflammation in check long-term.
"If your child is having more than two flare-ups of asthma a week -- whether it's just a chronic dry cough or wheezing -- or if she's not responding well to the bronchodilators, her condition is not well controlled and she should be reevaluated by a doctor," says Dr. Martinez. "Virtually everyone can get their asthma under control if it is diagnosed and treated early. In some cases, asthma and allergies may just be seasonal problems, and treatment can be stepped up or reduced, depending on the need."
Preventive steps to reduce the allergens can go a long way, too. That may mean keeping your child's windows closed, banning Fluffy and Fido from her room, and encasing her bedding in allergy-proof covers. You can also consider using HEPA filters in your vacuum and a HEPA air filter -- these are designed to trap the minuscule particles that can aggravate symptoms.
Croup
why it's worse at night: This barking-seal cough is usually the result of a viral infection that has settled in the upper airway and voice box, and typically strikes while the child has a cold. Because it causes swelling of the vocal cords, the cough also may be accompanied by noisy, rapid breathing. Croup is almost always at its worst at night, partly because blood flow to the respiratory tract changes when a child lies down. Plus, dry air can aggravate it.
what to do: "Begin by giving your child a dose of children's ibuprofen to reduce the severity of the swelling in his airways and relieve the discomfort," says Andrea Leeds, M.D., a pediatrician in Bellmore, New York, and a member of the committee on practice and ambulatory medicine for the American Academy of Pediatrics. (If your child is younger than 12 months, skip ibuprofen unless your doctor has already given you the okay to use it.) "Then strip him down to his diaper or underpants, turn on the shower full blast, and sit in the steamy bathroom with him for fifteen minutes." After that -- and this is the most important part, says Dr. Leeds -- dress him, wrap him up in a blanket, and take him outside in the cool night air (or, if it's summertime, hold him in front of the open freezer door or an air conditioner for at least five minutes). The steam relaxes the airways and vocal cords, while the cold air reduces the swelling; this combination often controls symptoms until the next day, when you can go to the doctor. (Like my doctor, yours may recommend one strategy or the other; if you notice a clear improvement, as we did with just the cold air, it's usually fine to stop there.)
Earache
why it's worse at night: Whether the infection is in the middle ear or in the ear canal (also called swimmer's ear), these puppies can hurt. Lying down increases the collection of fluid and puts extra pressure on the inflamed tissue.
what to do: Ibuprofen (for kids older than 12 months) or acetaminophen can help relieve the ache, but you can also try this remedy for severe pain from middle ear infections: "Heat a tablespoon of olive oil in the microwave so it's warm -- but not hot -- to your touch," says Dr. Leeds. "Put two to three drops of the warm oil in your child's affected ear. It relaxes the membranes and brings almost instant relief." Applying a warm, damp washcloth to your child's ear also can help. Either way, it's smart to check in with your doctor in the morning; your child may need an antibiotic to clear the infection if it's not improving on its own (as many do). If your child is prone to them, ask about getting prescription eardrops to numb the pain next time around.
Fever
why it's worse at night: Body temperature rises naturally in the evening, so a fever that was slight during the day can easily spike during sleep.
what to do: First, take your child's temperature (do it rectally if she's under 6 months old -- and, ideally, for as long as she'll allow this method). Any fever above 100.4°F in an infant under 3 months warrants an immediate call to the doctor. Same goes for an elevated temp in any child that's accompanied by lethargy, vomiting, diarrhea, stiff neck, or an unusual rash.
Otherwise, try a dose of acetaminophen, wait half an hour, and check the temperature again, says Dr. Leeds. "If it hasn't begun to come down and she's older than a year, give your child some ibuprofen, too," she adds. "You can use these medications together, separated by half an hour. Just remember that acetaminophen can be given every four hours, and ibuprofen can be given every six to eight hours." (Write down the time of each dose to help you keep track.) In the meantime -- and if you're not too delirious -- you can give your child a room-temperature bath to help cool her down. And definitely help her stay hydrated by offering some water (or formula or breast milk if she's a baby) before she goes back to sleep. Call the doctor in the morning to check in; she may want you to bring your child in.
Itchy skin
why it's worse at night: When your child is lying still, it's a whole lot easier to focus on the itchiness, whether it's due to poison ivy, bug bites, eczema, or even sunburn. And if the itchy skin is rooted in some kind of allergy, you've got the higher nighttime levels of histamines to thank.
what to do: Take some advice from Tyler Bingham of Lynn Haven, Florida, whose 4-year-old daughter has eczema. "Katie's skin is always itchier at night," says Bingham. "So before she goes to bed, we use a moisturizing body wash, then I'll massage a dry-skin lotion, usually one from Aveeno, onto her legs, where her eczema is the worst. The massage calms her and the lotion soothes. If need be, I also run a cool-mist humidifier in her room to keep the air moist."
Dealing with an allergic rash or lots of bites? An antihistamine can bring relief. A topical cortisone cream can help as well, but again, avoid using this type of product before you have specific instructions from your ped.
Stuffy nose
why it's worse at night: Too bad kids can't sleep standing up like horses -- then their nasal passages wouldn't swell more when they sleep!
what to do: For immediate relief, use saline nose drops or spray. Both will moisten the membranes and loosen the secretions, making it easier for your child to blow out the mucus, or for you to remove it with a bulb syringe if you have a baby. "My nine-month-old, Hamza, hated the bulb syringe whenever I used it on him," says Diana Malikyar, who lives in Stone Mountain, Georgia. "But then I laid him down in front of the bathroom mirror so he could watch me doing it. Once it stopped taking him by surprise, he was very willing to let me use it."
You may be tempted to offer your child a decongestant, but they're no longer recommended for kids under 2, and many doctors advise against giving them to older kids. There's no evidence that they work, and some that they could cause harm. And unless you're positive the stuffiness is due to allergies, steer clear of antihistamines, too.
Vomiting
why it's worse at night: It's not that kids are necessarily more likely to throw up at night; it's more that it feels about ten times worse because you usually end up having to change bedsheets, clean up rugs, change and wash pajamas -- all when you're bone tired. Then you have to worry that it could happen again. (Oh, and it's pretty awful for your kid.)
what to do: First, make sure your child isn't throwing up anything green or bloody; if he is, call the doctor, as this could indicate a more serious condition. Same goes for vomiting accompanied by pain in the lower right side of the abdomen. If it's just run-of-the-mill vomiting, do your best to clean up and calm down your child. Comfort him with a cool, wet washcloth on his forehead and face, then let him go back to sleep, with a plastic bowl or other container by his bed in case he feels sick again. If he's still awake an hour later but hasn't vomited again, try giving him small sips of flat cola or ginger ale, if you have it. "You can also try opening up a can of pears or peaches and giving the child one tablespoon of the syrup inside every fifteen minutes," says Philip Itkin, M.D., clinical associate professor of pediatrics at the University of Nebraska Medical College in Omaha. "It really helps settle the stomach and keeps him hydrated." An ice pop is a good alternative, too.
Elisa Pollack Kandel is no stranger to middle-of-the-night vomit sessions. "My four-year-old daughter has a weak stomach, and one night she threw up a grand total of fourteen times, beginning at three A.M.," says Kandel, who lives in Merrick, New York. "Since then, I've learned to keep hand towels in her night-table drawer and a plastic wastepaper basket by her bed. Plus, the minute I hear her cough at night, I run in and pull back the top sheet and comforter. It really cuts down on the laundry! And whenever pillows go on sale, I buy a couple." Now that's what we call prepared.
Here is most of the article. Click on the link for full details.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
What They Don't Tell You About Babies As a New Mom
This is an ongoing list of things new mom's I have met, including me, have learned post delivery.
Crying
Like all new babies, our baby cried a lot, but not enough for colic. We learned that the crying was usually related to a trapped gas bubble. So we learned to burp the baby during feeding to help decrease the pain associated with gas. Another trick for getting rid of the gas to was bring the babies knees into its chest. (My husband likes to sing "Pump it Up". He claims that the less you can get the knees to your baby's chest, the more bubbles that are trapped). This would help push the gas out the other way. These little tricks really helped ease our baby's pain and decrease the crying. With baby #2, I'm so much more relaxed as a mom knowing he is either crying because of hunger, diaper change, or trapped bubbles.
C-section
One of the things we (3 other moms I met early on) were all surprised about was getting stretch marks AFTER delivery on our bottoms. Baby #2 stretched me differently, so be prepared that that's part of the deal.
Cereal
When starting your baby on solids (which can start as early as 4 months as directed by your doctor), you can start babies on cereal. We went with rice cereal as directed, only to run into trouble with constipation. An alternative to rice cereal is oatmeal, which does not cause constipation. AS the baby gets used to solids, you can introduce veggies and fruit. We also included veggies and fruit in the cereal. We found this was a great way to introduce new veggies and fruit to our baby.
Getting the Nursery Ready
Being a first time mom, I didn't know what was necessary for a newborn versus what was for looks. Instead of spending a ton of money on a nursery remodel, we bought wall clingies from Target that would come off the wall easily when the baby got older and we wanted to change the theme. Second, I enlisted the help of a friend who had children to help me organize the nursery. She told me what she kept within reaching distance and what could be put away for later. This made life so much easier when the baby was here.
Phone
Having a phone that could access the Internet was a life saver the first few months of bringing home the baby. I highly recommend it! The phone allowed me to access my email, Facebook, and other mindless activities so I didn't feel I was out touch and helped to keep my mind stimulated.
Internet Websites - BabyCenter
Baby Center and other websites are great to join because you register your baby's age and are sent weekly emails on your child's development and common issues at that age. There are also forums for asking questions, you can share articles on Facebook with your friends, and find ideas for playing with your baby as they get older.
Sleep When the Baby Sleeps
As hard as you try, sometimes you just cannot sleep when the baby sleeps, especially when they are waking you every hour to two hours. Even if I got one nap in, it threw off my night schedule where I couldn't fall asleep until later in the evening. And I was exhausted all the time. For us, the sound of advice of "sleeping when baby sleeps" is more practical as the baby gets older and is on a nap schedule. Right now, my husband and I know our son will take a long nap three hours after waking up in the morning with an optional afternoon nap. So we sleep during the morning nap otherwise we know there is no other opportunity unless one of us watches the baby while the other one sleeps.
Driving
My first son was not one to fall easily asleep in the car. MY second son reminded me how red lights are not the friend of a parent with a newborn. Some tricks I learned with my first son was to have songs to sing because I sang "10 Little Monkeys" over and over, but it calmed him down. We also left the little light on in the back of the car so he wasn't so scared. Now that he's older it's not a problem, but that first year was tough. We didn't know what kind of drive we would have.
Managing Your Time (Some Tips From Kaiser)
Set Your Priorities: Every evening make a list of the most important things to do tomorrow. Don't forget to try to set aside relaxation time for yourself.
Divide and Conquer: List the main components and the time they'll require for an overwhelming job. Then plan specific blocks of time in your schedule for each.
Double Up: Do two things at once. You might have a business discussion while going for a walk.
Delegate: Everything doesn't have to be done your way. Good time management includes lightening your load by handing over responsibility to someone else.
Laundry: To save sorting time and avoid mismatches, buy your child socks in only one style and one color.
Errands: Make it a habit to consolidate errands and appt instead of making small trips.
Cooking: Keep food simple, easy, and nutritious. When cooking a main meal, make extra so you can freeze in meal-size portion for dinners another time.
Family Matters: To help organize family matters , keep a big calendar on display. You can use different color pens to mark member's activities and appt.
Crying
Like all new babies, our baby cried a lot, but not enough for colic. We learned that the crying was usually related to a trapped gas bubble. So we learned to burp the baby during feeding to help decrease the pain associated with gas. Another trick for getting rid of the gas to was bring the babies knees into its chest. (My husband likes to sing "Pump it Up". He claims that the less you can get the knees to your baby's chest, the more bubbles that are trapped). This would help push the gas out the other way. These little tricks really helped ease our baby's pain and decrease the crying. With baby #2, I'm so much more relaxed as a mom knowing he is either crying because of hunger, diaper change, or trapped bubbles.
C-section
One of the things we (3 other moms I met early on) were all surprised about was getting stretch marks AFTER delivery on our bottoms. Baby #2 stretched me differently, so be prepared that that's part of the deal.
Cereal
When starting your baby on solids (which can start as early as 4 months as directed by your doctor), you can start babies on cereal. We went with rice cereal as directed, only to run into trouble with constipation. An alternative to rice cereal is oatmeal, which does not cause constipation. AS the baby gets used to solids, you can introduce veggies and fruit. We also included veggies and fruit in the cereal. We found this was a great way to introduce new veggies and fruit to our baby.
Getting the Nursery Ready
Being a first time mom, I didn't know what was necessary for a newborn versus what was for looks. Instead of spending a ton of money on a nursery remodel, we bought wall clingies from Target that would come off the wall easily when the baby got older and we wanted to change the theme. Second, I enlisted the help of a friend who had children to help me organize the nursery. She told me what she kept within reaching distance and what could be put away for later. This made life so much easier when the baby was here.
Phone
Having a phone that could access the Internet was a life saver the first few months of bringing home the baby. I highly recommend it! The phone allowed me to access my email, Facebook, and other mindless activities so I didn't feel I was out touch and helped to keep my mind stimulated.
Internet Websites - BabyCenter
Baby Center and other websites are great to join because you register your baby's age and are sent weekly emails on your child's development and common issues at that age. There are also forums for asking questions, you can share articles on Facebook with your friends, and find ideas for playing with your baby as they get older.
Sleep When the Baby Sleeps
As hard as you try, sometimes you just cannot sleep when the baby sleeps, especially when they are waking you every hour to two hours. Even if I got one nap in, it threw off my night schedule where I couldn't fall asleep until later in the evening. And I was exhausted all the time. For us, the sound of advice of "sleeping when baby sleeps" is more practical as the baby gets older and is on a nap schedule. Right now, my husband and I know our son will take a long nap three hours after waking up in the morning with an optional afternoon nap. So we sleep during the morning nap otherwise we know there is no other opportunity unless one of us watches the baby while the other one sleeps.
Driving
My first son was not one to fall easily asleep in the car. MY second son reminded me how red lights are not the friend of a parent with a newborn. Some tricks I learned with my first son was to have songs to sing because I sang "10 Little Monkeys" over and over, but it calmed him down. We also left the little light on in the back of the car so he wasn't so scared. Now that he's older it's not a problem, but that first year was tough. We didn't know what kind of drive we would have.
Managing Your Time (Some Tips From Kaiser)
Set Your Priorities: Every evening make a list of the most important things to do tomorrow. Don't forget to try to set aside relaxation time for yourself.
Divide and Conquer: List the main components and the time they'll require for an overwhelming job. Then plan specific blocks of time in your schedule for each.
Double Up: Do two things at once. You might have a business discussion while going for a walk.
Delegate: Everything doesn't have to be done your way. Good time management includes lightening your load by handing over responsibility to someone else.
Laundry: To save sorting time and avoid mismatches, buy your child socks in only one style and one color.
Errands: Make it a habit to consolidate errands and appt instead of making small trips.
Cooking: Keep food simple, easy, and nutritious. When cooking a main meal, make extra so you can freeze in meal-size portion for dinners another time.
Family Matters: To help organize family matters , keep a big calendar on display. You can use different color pens to mark member's activities and appt.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
What Baby Really Needs From Daddy
When you're a new dad, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is not connecting enough with your newborn. "Every bit of research that we have says that the more time men spend with their children, the better it is for the dad and for the child," says Jerrold Lee Shapiro, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist and author of Becoming a Father, The Measure of a Man. "It's about just being in the same room with them." He urges men to form their own relationships with their children—the earlier the better. The baby doesn't belong only to Mom, after all.
According to Shapiro, another common mistake is for new dads to get so overwhelmed by financial concerns that they start working more hours or at another job. "They then lose time connecting with the baby, because they are so into the protect-and-provide mode," he notes.
Read more advice from Jerrold Lee Shapiro, Ph.D. on being a new dad.© 2009 The First Thirty Days, Inc.
According to Shapiro, another common mistake is for new dads to get so overwhelmed by financial concerns that they start working more hours or at another job. "They then lose time connecting with the baby, because they are so into the protect-and-provide mode," he notes.
Read more advice from Jerrold Lee Shapiro, Ph.D. on being a new dad.© 2009 The First Thirty Days, Inc.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
"Cool Hand" Dad
I found this touching story in Parents Magazine June 2009.
When Robert Haag's son, Michael, was born five years ago without a fully developed left arm, Haag was stunned to learn that prosthetic hands for infants were essentially useless because the "forefinger" and "thumb" were connected to each other and therefore immobile. That's why Haag, of Atlanta, came up with a simple fix. He cut just-for-show appendages apart so that his son could at east hold a block or a pacifier like other children. And thus bean Haag's quest to make prosthetics useful to a child. He turned a Spider-Man fishing rod into a "fishing arm" by altering the pole to screw into Micheal's prosthetic socket. His goal is to improve Micheal's and other children's life and shares his designs on openprosthetics.org under "Pediatric Trainer."
When Robert Haag's son, Michael, was born five years ago without a fully developed left arm, Haag was stunned to learn that prosthetic hands for infants were essentially useless because the "forefinger" and "thumb" were connected to each other and therefore immobile. That's why Haag, of Atlanta, came up with a simple fix. He cut just-for-show appendages apart so that his son could at east hold a block or a pacifier like other children. And thus bean Haag's quest to make prosthetics useful to a child. He turned a Spider-Man fishing rod into a "fishing arm" by altering the pole to screw into Micheal's prosthetic socket. His goal is to improve Micheal's and other children's life and shares his designs on openprosthetics.org under "Pediatric Trainer."
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