Role Reversals in the Family

I found an articles that address the changing roles in our families regarding parenting, work and money in the United States.

The first one is in "Working Mother" magazine from Feb/Mar 2010
By: Sara Eckel, Illustration: Aaron Goodman

Amid bruised egos, resentments and confusion, families are struggling to find their footing as they cope with the financial, emotional and who-does-the-dishes-now restructuring of their lives brought on by the recession.

On a cold, rainy November morning, Christine Fruehwirth’s 5-year-old son showed up at preschool without a coat—or even a sweater. “The sweater was dirty,” says Christine’s husband, John. He also had taken their 7-year-old daughter out to run errands in the ballerina pajamas she’d slept in. “I didn’t know. I thought it was an outfit,” John says of the wardrobe mishap, one of several that have occurred since he took over many of the household and child-care duties two years ago. That’s when he lost his job as the managing director of a Washington, DC, private equity firm. To support their family of five, Christine began working part-time as a career consultant for George Washington University in addition to the career-coaching business she was already running out of their home.


Like many families coping with the turmoil brought on by the recession, the Fruehwirths have been fumbling to find their footing now that the roles of family breadwinner and household caretaker have been shuffled around. Though Christine, 40, had planned to work while her three kids were young, she was thinking one job, not two. But now she says, “Maybe this was meant to be.” She’s appreciating the chance to further develop her professional life. And although John is adamant that he’s not a stay-at-home dad—he’s developing a private equity company he purchased with his severance pay—he’s enjoying extra time with the kids now that he’s the one taking them to and from school and helping them with homework.

With job loss comes heightened anxiety, as well as recast parental and household duties, causing a major upheaval in many families. Working moms are increasingly logging extra hours in the office—and spending more time away from their children—while more men are finding themselves without an office to go to. Getting the bills paid and cutting back on nonessential spending is a strain for sure. Yet for many, the greatest challenge hasn’t been financial; it’s been psychological. Amid all the changes, moms and dads are trying to adjust not only to new daily schedules but also to bruised egos and growing resentments.
We talked to couples about how their families are coping with this shift—and learned what they’re doing to keep the peace.

Shattered Self-Esteem

After Stefania Sorace Smith’s husband lost his security job last May, she landed a higher-paying position in her profession, as the residential programmer at a home for mentally disabled people. But she also doubled her commuting time, and her workweek soared to 60 hours from 40—a particular strain since she’s now pregnant with the couple’s second child. Even with her higher salary and the part-time work her husband, Darren, has secured, the Dingman’s Ferry, PA, couple has not made up the lost income. Now charged with the family’s financial security, Stefania, 26, is more stressed than ever. “Bills definitely get behind,” she says, adding that she sometimes plays “Russian roulette” with her checkbook by alternating which bills she pays—and which she skips—each month. At home, Darren is doing more of the basic cleaning, and he makes their 2-year-old daughter breakfast and prepares dinner for the family—but the major scrub work still falls to Stefania because he “just doesn’t do it the way I want it done,” she says.

For Stefania, one of the biggest disparities in this new structure is free time. She spends most of her day working and commuting. Darren—while doing handyman work and pitching in with the household chores—still spends a fair amount of time playing Flight Simulator on his computer. “This transition has been tough,” he says. “I started building houses when I was twelve. I’m used to working ninety hours a week. All I ever did was work.” Though he’s enjoying the time he spends with his daughter, he feels unproductive. “It’s difficult to go from self-sufficient to depending on someone, but we’re making it work,” he says. “It is what it is.”

The ego blow of job loss leaves many men unable to find fulfillment in their new role. In the months after Ron Mattocks was laid off two years ago, he admits, he had a tough time transitioning from his former life as a vice president of sales for a major homebuilder to Daddy Day Care. “I was an officer in the army and then an executive in the corporate world.

Suddenly, I’m packing lunches and making sure the kids have everything in their backpacks. My entire self-image pretty much got shattered,” says Ron, 37, from Houston. “I had to really rethink myself, and that’s been a long, discouraging process.” He misses the external validation he got through his work—the backslapping for a job well done—and is struggling to find that same sense of confidence internally. It has helped, however, to see his wife, Ashley, gain confidence in her career. “Though I don’t bring value to the family the way I used to, my role is important,” he says.

Why Men Don’t Do Windows

Wives should be mindful of the fact that a recently unemployed husband is in a fragile emotional state, says Ellen Ostrow, PhD, a psychologist who works with professional women reentering the workforce. “The psychological impact is enormous,” she says. This is one reason many men don’t automatically start picking up the scrub brush after a job loss. According to the 2008 American Time Use Survey released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, unemployed women spend almost six hours a day on child care and household chores like cleaning and cooking, while unemployed men spend only three hours a day on such tasks—and also spend more than four hours a day watching television.

Often men with a very traditional view of gender roles will refuse to do housework, as a way to gain control, says Stephanie Coontz, who teaches history and family studies at The Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA. “They think that they have to compensate for their loss of masculinity by asserting masculine privilege in other ways.”

But the reasoning may be even more subtle than that. Jeremy Adam Smith, author of The Daddy Shift, suggests that most men simply don’t see housework and child care as a vocation that could give them a sense of identity and pride, as many women do. “For a lot of women who lose their job, a pathway presents itself,” he says. “They decide, ‘I’m a stay-at-home mom. My job now is to take care of the home and kids, and I’m going to be good at that.’ But for many fathers, that pathway doesn’t exist in any well-developed way.”

Teaching the Basics
However understandable this aversion to scouring bathtubs and laying out school clothes may be, the fact remains that the work needs to be done.

Click here to read more from the article

First Kisses and What They Can Tell Us

What First Kisses Can Tell Us: My Change Nation Interview with Helen Fisher, Ph.D.

Kissing someone for the first time can tell you a lot more about a person than you might think. "In saliva is testosterone and also indications of what your immune system is like," explains Rutgers University anthropologist, Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of four books, including Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. "As you're kissing somebody, you're smelling them, and unconsciously, your brain is responding to their immune system."

According to Fisher, when you think someone is a bad kisser, it probably means that their immune system is wrong for you. "We're actually attracted to people with quite a different immune system than our own," she notes, offering the scientific explanation, "the closer your immune system is to the other person's…the more likely it is [that the female] might reject the fetus."

A first kiss can offer clues about other aspects of a person as well, including his or her sexuality, intentions, patience and health. Most importantly, it can tell you whether the relationship will continue. "Over 50% of both men and women have reported that they were, really, enormously attracted to somebody," says Fisher, "until they kissed them!"

© 2010 The First Thirty Days, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Date Night for Parents

I like to post ideas I find from different people or websites. Below are list of ideas I've read about or seen on moomysaves.com at http://moremileage.uniroyaltires.com/e-books/family-fun-for-less/creative-date-nights-for-parents/.

When you add the expense of hiring a babysitter to the cost of going out for a meal or catching a movie, date nights can be especially expensive for parents. However, there still are budget-friendly ways to spend time with your spouse without giving up date nights altogether. Here are a few:

Picnic
On a nice evening, spending time outdoors can be particularly romantic. Pick a quiet park, a beach or a nature reserve. Bring a bottle of good, but inexpensive wine or champagne along with some nice meats, cheeses and breads. Even if you buy the gourmet or upscale varieties, you won’t spend as much as a night out at a restaurant. Sam’s Club®, Trader Joe’s® and most supermarket deli cases have more exotic cheeses and meats, so there’s no need to go to high-end stores to find them.

Coffee Shop
If you’ve given up your designer coffee habit to better manage your budget, splurging on coffee once in a while can feel like a luxury. Combine your java with something yummy from the pastry / dessert menu and you’ve got a hot date that doesn’t cost much. Bookstores that also sell coffee are great spots for this type of date. Even if you each decide to buy a book, you’ve typically spent less than you would have on dinner and drinks at a restaurant. Plus, you have something to take home with you!

Game Night
If you enjoy hanging out with other couples, consider organizing a game night. The couple that hosts the party is in charge of selecting the games and hiring a babysitter. Potlucks work great because they take the pressure off the hosts, financially and otherwise. Select a babysitter (or two) that is comfortable with the number of kids. Make sure the sitter is well prepared with activities and games for them. Have all the parents contribute to paying her and she’ll make a great wage. It’s a win-win for everyone!

Wine Tastings
Take a tour of a nearby vineyard or brewery and enjoy some free samples when the tour wraps up. Visit OfficialWinery.com for a directory of tasting events and locations near you. If you’re not close to any wineries, organize your very own tasting event with friends. Instruct guests to spend no more than $10 on an interesting bottle of wine and pair it with some cheese. Conduct a blind taste test and have everyone vote on their favorite variety.
At-Home

If kids are in the mix, it’s sometimes hard to find a babysitter. No worries! You can create a romantic (yet frugal) date at home. The trick is to feed the kids and put them to bed early so you can enjoy time alone. Set your dining room table as if you were heading to a fancy restaurant: tablecloths, cloth napkins, mood music, candlelight – the works. Crab legs or lobster tail are especially good on special nights like this because they’re easy to prepare and cost just a fraction of the restaurant price when purchased at the supermarket. You’ll feel like you’re living large without spending a lot of cash.

Some other ideas I've read about:
1. Wine and cheese tasting at home or on a picnic or with friends
2. Puzzle night
3. Go to Gameworks or Dave n Busters for a game night. You could do dinner there too.
4. Window shopping at a nice outdoor mall where you can stroll and talk.
5. Drive to the beach or mountains for a sunset. Bring some goodies with you like sparkling cider to add to the moment.
6. Hang out at a place like Downtown Disney where there's music, restaraunts, and many shops to stroll in. Fireworks at night.
7. Minor league baseball game can be cheaper than a movie depending on how much you spend on food. (Go to Costco for hot dogs before the game to minimize food spending).
8. Hangout at Border or Barnes n Nobles to check out some new books and enjoy some coffee.

This Year I Will...

Here is a collection of ideas I've collected on making New Year's Resolutions

Ever wonder why fewer than 10% of us make New Year's resolutions that stick? According to M.J. Ryan, author of This Year I Will…: How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution or Make a Dream Come True, we don't know how to get our brains on our side. She offers some basics about brain science.

- Your brain tends to want to do the same thing over and over, so lasting change takes lots of practice. It's not about getting rid of bad habits—pathways to current behaviors are there for life—but about building new, more positive ones. This process can take six to nine months.

- Your emotional brain—the part that seeks pleasure and avoids pain—tends to override the thinking part. To create lasting change, you need to get the emotions on your side and keep them there. One man who wanted to live long enough to retire to Hawaii quit smoking by hanging posters of Hawaiian beaches everywhere.

If you wish to make significant change in your life, add space wherever you can in your surroundings and in your mind. That's according to Kathi Burns, author of How to Master Your Muck—Get Organized. Add Space To Your Life. Live Your Purpose! "It could be as simple as cleaning out your desk drawer or spending a few moments each day in a state of non-thinking in prayer or meditation," suggests Burns. "When you do this regularly, you will have more space to think more clearly which will help you discover your purpose in life."

Burns advises getting rid of anything that does not serve who you are right now. "Muck is a powerful saboteur of creative expression and can become a roadblock to your success," she says, adding that it's not just about clearing clutter. "Spend time each morning clearing away the muck in your head with meditation or prayer. Then plan what you wish to accomplish that day before you begin working or checking emails," she advises. "Set your path before it sets you off your path of greatest fulfillment."

One of the biggest mistakes people make when making a New Year's resolution is actually making it a New Year's resolution in the first place. Did you know that over 80% of people who start something on January 1 fail? Don't be a part of this statistic.

Avoid setting resolutions during the first two weeks of the year. Not only are you fighting with the memory of previously failed resolutions, but it's right after the holidays. You're probably still eating unhealthy food, the weather is bad and you have to go back to the daily routine of work. Who wouldn't fail under these conditions?

Wait until you want to make a change. The energy of wanting to change is much stronger and more effective than the feeling that you should change because everyone else is doing it. You'll know when the time is right for you. Try it mid-January, when everyone else has already given up and you've settled back into your daily routine. Don't even call it a New Year's resolution. Just call it an intention.

We get what we focus on. As the end of the year approaches, instead of blaming ourselves for what went wrong in 2009—the weight we put on, the dreams we didn't pursue, the debt we racked up and so on—let's take a very different look back at the past year.

Here are 10 questions to ask yourself that will radically change your view of 2009:

1) Whom did I meet this year who is now in my life?
2) What emotion really caused me to grow? Courage? Faith?
3) What emotion was I unafraid to feel? Fear? Sadness?
4) What am I most proud of?
5) In what area of my life did I really make some progress?
6) What did I do that completely surprised me and was unexpected to me?
7) Whom did I really help?
8) What is the biggest lesson I really faced?
9) What am I most grateful for?
10) What were the most fun times I had?

Be gentle on yourself and light on life.

How Really To Succeed at Your Resolution
Most of us fail at our resolutions because there's no cost or long-term pain or penalty if we don't. If you really want things to be different this time around, attach a penalty to not succeeding. Decide on a consequence that will "hurt" a little financially or emotionally, and be sure to let at least one other person in on your plan. (Accountability is a great motivator.) You can even put it in writing and sign a "contract."

Suppose you're determined to lose 20 pounds this year. Commit to giving $100 to the charity of your choice for each pound you don't lose. Or, promise to give away a month's paycheck if you don't leave the job you've spent years complaining about. Work with an amount that will have a significant financial impact without making you go bankrupt.

If you can't afford the financial risk, or if money doesn't motivate you, try something else. Maybe you dread the idea of joining a weight-loss organization or some other support group. Commit to signing up if you don't meet your goal. Only you know what works for you.

Family vs Change Team
Don't necessarily look to the people closest to you for support in making a decision about a major life change. Chances are good, they don't want you to change anyway. Take my family, for instance. As I joked during my keynote speech at Villanova University's 2009 Women in Business Conference, their attitude towards my changes—specifically, leaving a high-level corporate position to pursue my dreams—was far from supportive:

Dad: "You don't think there are enough books in the world?"
Mom: "Please give me grandchildren immediately and stop working."
Brothers: "Good, maybe she'll finally fail at something."

When it comes right down to it, the decisions are yours to make, alone.

The time to look for support, or what I call a "change team," is after you’ve made a decision. Then ask for help from the right people—those who want you to change, who believe you can change and who won't focus on how your change affects them. The real sources of help aren't the people who crawl in the hole with you and tell you that you're right, but those who see you in a hole, hand you a ladder and offer to coach you up.

© 2009 The First Thirty Days, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

What Baby Really Needs From Daddy

When you're a new dad, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is not connecting enough with your newborn. "Every bit of research that we have says that the more time men spend with their children, the better it is for the dad and for the child," says Jerrold Lee Shapiro, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist and author of Becoming a Father, The Measure of a Man. "It's about just being in the same room with them." He urges men to form their own relationships with their children—the earlier the better. The baby doesn't belong only to Mom, after all.

According to Shapiro, another common mistake is for new dads to get so overwhelmed by financial concerns that they start working more hours or at another job. "They then lose time connecting with the baby, because they are so into the protect-and-provide mode," he notes.

Read more advice from Jerrold Lee Shapiro, Ph.D. on being a new dad.© 2009 The First Thirty Days, Inc.

Daily Advice

I think it's nice to share some advice every now and then that is applicable to many people. I got this in one of my emails by "Ariane's Change Secrets" I subscribe to.

* If you don’t have high expectations for teachers, classes, parents, boyfriends/girlfriends, etc., whatever happens is a bonus. Being disappointed by unmet expectations is what hurts the most.
* Compare and Despair. The minute you compare yourself, you're setting yourself up to get depressed.
* Write down three accomplishments that you're incredibly proud of. When you're feeling down, remember, you're the person who got them done!
* Someone else in the world would do anything for your life, school, friends and clothes… even on your worst day.
* Do the thing that scares you. Nothing feels better than being courageous.
© 2009 The First Thirty Days, Inc.

Take Sides on Relationships Online?

I found this new website interesting. Posted from Redbook Magazine, June 2009.

"You probably could use a referee in your relationship once in a while, but should you have the Internet have the last word on your couple fight? At the website sidetaker.com, she and he can anonymously post their side of the story-whose turn was it to take out the trash?-and leave it to online voters to determine who's at fault. And if the Web world takes your guy's side? Let him cozy up with the laptop tonight."

Personally, I wouldn't want to post something from personally life and have strangers tell me their opinion, would you?