I like this article from Good Housekeeping (January 2011) because it deals with older kids/teens.
Are You a Pushover Parent?
If you're a softie with your kids (but wish you weren't), it's not too late to get an authoritative backbone. Here's how.
By Charlotte Latvala
As I walked through my living room not long ago, picking up dirty socks and empty pretzel bags, I muttered, "Why is it that no one but me cleans up around here?" Even though my two older kids (Mathilda, 15, and A.J., 13) were sitting within earshot, they didn't respond; Mathilda was absorbed in her school-issued laptop; A.J., his parent-issued iPod Touch. "Why am I cleaning up your mess?" I said, much louder this time. Silence. I tried a third time, almost shouting. A.J. looked up from his iPod, made eye contact, and...shrugged.
Here it is, I thought: proof that I've failed as a parent. My greatest wish, at that moment, was to rewind the clock to the preschool years and post that chore chart I never quite got around to. While I was back there, I'd add some oomph to my parenting style, which has always veered between "laid-back" and "extremely laid-back." Don't get me wrong; it's not that my kids are awful. Overall, they're sweet and funny; they get decent grades and hang out with friends I love. But I spend way too much time cajoling, reminding, and nagging. And I'm not always consistent with discipline; sometimes I freak out over too much TV and other times — depending on my exhaustion level — I let it slide. I'd wager there are other moms out there like me: those who wish they'd held the line more and worry it's too late to repent.
Fortunately, even if your kids are teenagers, you can still redeem yourself. "It's absolutely never too late," says child development and behavior specialist Betsy Brown Braun, author of You're Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4- to 12-Year-Old Child. "Granted, it can be harder to change patterns as kids get older; it's like asking them to speak Italian when they've been speaking Greek for years. However, as long as you are clear and honest with your child, it can be done." So over the past few weeks, I've tried some new tactics from parenting experts. Here's what I've learned (along with a few things I'm still working on). To make a change, you need to:
Admit Your Mistakes
The first step is acknowledging your part in the problem, says Brown Braun — to both yourself and to your children. Be honest about the fact that you've let them dodge chores or mouth off in the past. "Don't turn it into a finger-wagging session," she says. "It's not about blame; it's about you saying, 'I've allowed you to talk to me that way or not help with the dishes for years, but now that's over.' You're giving kids a heads-up and letting them know what changes are ahead."
Where you have "the talk" makes a difference, says Michael J. Bradley, Ed.D., author of When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen. "To signal that a sea change is under way, break it to them in a different venue," says Bradley. "It's human nature to act the same old way in the same old places." (Harping about new video game rules while your kid is playing Wii, for instance, will have zero effect.) Bradley's favorite spot for any one-on-one with a tween or teen: a café — it's away from home, and kids feel grown-up and comfortable. So I took my older kids (separately) to Starbucks, bought each a decaf mocha, and laid it out: "I've goofed by letting you slack off, and now I need you to step up and take some responsibility." I even produced a two-page list of weekly household chores and asked each to pick a few tasks. I was expecting resistance, so I was pleasantly surprised when Mathilda said, "As long as I don't have to take out the garbage." A.J.'s main concern was that life was suddenly going to become all chores, all the time. When I assured him that he'd still be able to have friends over and play video games once he got his work done, he was agreeable, and selected several jobs from the list I'd drawn up. Giving kids a say in picking chores is vital, says Brown Braun; they're much more likely to cooperate and feel a sense of accomplishment in a job they've chosen.
Come Up With A Plan
For me, chores are the hot-button issue. For moms like Kim DeVigil, of Denver, it's bedtime. The mother of four girls (twins age 9, plus an 11- and a 13-year-old) says, "Every night I get home from work at 7 P.M . and say, 'Tonight we're going to bed early.' But getting four tweens ready for bed is a lot like herding cats. Even when I'm aiming for 9 P.M., it's usually 10:30 by the time they're all in bed."
Begin any change with a detailed plan, says Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., author of Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking. "If bedtime is 9:30 P.M., map out what needs to happen beforehand to get there," she says. Approach it like a group project at school — it's a concept kids immediately get. "You might say, 'Clearly, we're having a problem sticking with a healthy bedtime. Let's figure out together what each of us can do to make this work. What do you think is workable?' " Chansky suggests. Counterintuitive as it sounds, you may need to dial down the authority level here; again, if tweens feel like their voice counts, they're more likely to cooperate. "In the end, what you want is a solution," says Chansky. "But you don't necessarily need to be the author of the solution." So listen to their suggestions, and then add your own (say, moving daily showers or chores from late afternoon to the early morning hours).
Simply repeating your plan out loud is a huge help, says Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. "Research shows that if you actually announce your intention, you're more likely to commit and stick to it," says Borba. "The same principle works for people who are trying to lose weight." Another idea from Borba: Set reminders for yourself on your cell phone or computer. "Or post a photo of the problem (e.g., your kid's disastrous closet) as your computer background so you remember to follow up with him."
Take Small Steps
Of course, saying you'll do something and actually doing it are two different things. Don't tackle too much too soon, says Borba — otherwise you'll be overwhelmed. "Use the foot-in-the-door technique," she recommends. "For instance, start with one chore instead of five. Once you've had success, you add more." Also, make sure the first step is a super-easy one. One of A.J.'s chosen items on the chore list was tackling his messy room, but "saying, 'Clean your room' is way too general," says Borba. "Just making the bed is a step in the right direction," she says. So we went to IKEA and I let A.J. pick out a comforter in a funky pattern. Voilà — he started tossing it over the bed in the morning, and the room looked instantly neater. I let him know (repeatedly) how happy I was; next, I asked him to get the dirty clothes off the floor and down the laundry chute — and was pleasantly surprised when he complied (though some days, I had to remind him about "our Starbucks talk").
These may be teeny changes, but the smallest tweaks to your kid's routine can make an impact, says Borba; there's a spillover effect that makes the next problem easier to tackle. "Kids really do get hooked on those feelings of accomplishment, and they genuinely want to receive your praise," she says.
Stop Yelling
I've often regretted how much I've hollered at my kids. I tend to let things slide and then explode when they finally push me over the limit — the absolutely wrong way to go, says Bradley, because kids can tune out the low-level nagging and only listen when you screech. That means they never learn internal motivation. "When a parent asks, 'Did you take the trash out?' over and over, it's like an alarm clock set on snooze," he says. "The first three times it goes off don't count. When the clock — or parent — finally goes insane, the kid knows he'd better get moving." Obviously, there's got to be a better way.
Consider my friend Sandy, who yelled at her 16-year-old son to turn off his video games after school for months, to no avail. But when she took action — literally, by locking up her son's video game system in a secondhand armoire — she got through. "Now he calmly finishes his homework and chores before the doors are unlocked," she says.
Another trick that stops the yelling: Communicate in writing, says Borba — kids are so comfortable texting, IM-ing, and e-mailing that they often respond better to written requests (even old-fashioned Post-it notes work). Also, when things are written down, you take your emotions out of the picture, and there's no room for misunderstanding. "Believe it or not, tweens and teens are highly sensitive to sarcasm," says Borba. "Also, they frequently misinterpret facial expressions." If you're screaming, they'll only remember the anger, not the point you were trying to make.
Give Kids A Carrot
In many ways, early adolescence is an ideal time for discipline do-overs, says Bradley, "since at this age, kids are looking for autonomy." Tap into that desire for independence by offering incentives they truly want — like spending money. Explain that kids can earn cash (or privileges, if you're dead set against paying them) by getting chores done within the agreed-upon time. That's it — no threats. "You get yourself out of the equation. They decide if they're going to do it," Bradley says.
The first week I tried this with A.J., the garbage cans were still sitting in the garage at the appointed hour. That's OK, says Bradley: "It's a good learning experience, and the system provides its own muscle." I dragged the cans to the curb myself without saying a word. Later that day, A.J. was crestfallen. "Does this mean I won't get paid?" he asked. "Not this week," I said calmly. "But you'll have another chance next week, and I'm sure you'll do better." Sure enough, the trash went out on time the next few weeks.
Stick With It
I'm happy with the changes we've started to make as a family — the kids are doing more around the house, and I'm yelling less — but I'm still worried I won't stay consistent over the months and years to come, particularly in my weak or tired moments. That's when I remember that experts say it takes three weeks to form a new habit and at least six months for it to become automatic. "Be forgiving of yourself and your kids when someone blows it. Then start fresh the next day," says Brown Braun. Praise them when they get it right, and when they don't, remind them that change is tough for everyone, but it gets easier. And don't forget to spend one-on-one time with your kids; it's especially important to let them know they're loved as you ask more of them in the months ahead.
